Without Title

Dear Constant Readers,

It's time I caught you up. Sorry I've been behind if you've been waiting, but most of this past week has been nightmarish, for want of a more fiendish word. I will not go into major details about the week itself, but I'll tell you some things that I've learned from it. But my friends, weeks like what I had last week are the reason why they don't invent time machines. By the end of it, however, from Friday on, things finally did start looking up, and now that I've gotten the upper hand, I'm fighting like a son of a bitch to keep it. To those who I've spoken with, thank God for you. You know who you are.

So, to those of you who have been waiting, namely, Iona and Judith, and probably my family, and I don't know who else, here it is, now that I have the energy to write it.

First off, I was visiting some people in a small town near Duisburg, Germany, and this was good. This does *NOT* fall into the category of what I described above, so Judith, have no fear, I had a great time with you guys. :-)

This trip was special for me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, a fairly minor, but interesting detail to me nonetheless, in that it was the first time I'd ever personally met someone I'd just met over the internet. Her and I met in the language blog I discussed a while back, and so obviously our common interest in languages and linguistics.

However, getting to know her personally was also a very good thing, and I hope a good way to solidify our friendship. Friendships are tricky things. The are very organic and fragile. You cannot force them; they either happen or they don't. But you need to tend to them and respect them.

The other reason why it was important for me was because the first time in 7 years or so of dabbling with Esperanto that I finally got to meet other speakers of the language. Meeting Judith and Chuck kind of opened my eyes to how the language really is alive, something I'm still getting used to. A lot of people have looked down on the language, and when people ask how many language I can speak (which, by the way, is not a simple question like many people believe) I usually avoid mentioning Esperanto because A) I have gotten tired of explaining it, and B) after explaining it, I have gotten tired of defending it. I don't agree with all of Esperanto's politics about being a universal second language, for example, but I really don't care. Learning a language is a personal choice, and a language learner should no more have to defend why they are learning any language, but it Chinese, be it Klingon, be it Toki Pona, be it Ebonics, and they should have to defend what they read for fun, why they like Ferraris and not Mustang Convertibles, why they do anything as long as it brings no one any harm. That's part of what makes life beautiful.

I guess I don't know if I'll get very active in the Esperanto community, but I'd like to take part in some of it. One of the things I've wanted to do since starting to learn the language is take part in convention, and hopefully I'll still have some chances for that in the future.

It was a short weekend, but it was fun. We also got to go to a Roman festival, where we saw re-enactments of Roman military formations, complete with crowd-charging action, eat Roman-style cooking (I had a cooked, dripping, juicy, brown bunny, and I do not apologize), and attend some unsynchronized Gladiator fighting in a reconstructed Roman arena. The next day we just took it easy, went to a flea market and I got to try some Thai food for the first time. Actually, despite Judith's claims, Thai didn't taste all that dissimilar from Chinese, but I only have had one plate of Thai, so my opinion is not the most qualified.

The trips there and back were uneventful, and further removed my fear of the German trains. The last time I had to do them by myself (not including Berlin) was when I got here about 9 months ago, and that was not a fun experience, if you recall what I said. It's really remarkable how much they've simplified the system since I've gotten here...

And from that moment on, things kinda went downhill. Quickly.

For several years I suffered from depression and survived it. I would never wish it on anyone. And unless I have to, I usually don't talk about it, and then usually only in small words. I don't want to dwell on that and risk it coming back.

This week, though, things happened again to bring all that I've fought for to the brink of loss again, and I'm not going to talk about it for the same reason.

Through those years of dark Hell, I learned to be an optimist, and I've never lost that outlook. And I'm determined not to, because in the end, that may be almost all I have.

I know a couple of people who seem to be very relaxed in their skin, and I think that is something that doesn't happen over night. Getting in touch with yourself is an art, and it's hard, hard, hard road. But I've set out on becoming the best person I can be, and since I've set out on that road, things have gotten sometimes hard for me. I believe in attacks on the mind and on the spirit, and in forces that wish people to be miserable (call it what you want: Satan, evil, chemical imbalance, I could care less, but I know what I believe). I believe in science and medicine, but I also believe in maintaining a healthy spirit; I am no agnostic on that subject. A body is like a mirror. Beautiful and can be maintained, but even a spotless mirror can reflect nightmares in its looking-glass. Maintain a healthy spirit, and it will be reflected back for others to see. Maintain a poor spirit, and even the shiniest, most spotless mirror can be disturbing.

Now, I realize that I will always have flaws, the best of us do. And so, that must be OK. After all, that is who we are. Flaws, are OK, not learning from them, or always giving in to them is not OK. That's the difference, I think. I sometimes lose my patience, but then I learn from it and try to be more patient next time. I have a big fucking mouth and I need to tell myself to either shut the hell up and be discreet or learn to like the taste of my own foot. None of this happens over night.

But I have been doing a lot of reflecting, doing a fair amount of praying, and a lot of talking to people I trust, and have come to the conclusion that I'm doing a pretty good job, despite what whatever evil out there would confuse me to think, and to destroy all I've fought for. It's been a hard and scary road, and things probably aren't over yet, but in the last couple of days I've finally started to break through again to fresh air after choking on battle smoke.

Actually much of these week was liking walking through a haze anyway. I don't remember hardly any of it, and couldn't really keep days straight. It just kinda happened, like a storm that in afternoon and blots out the sun; it doesn't matter if it's 3 PM or 9 PM, it's dark and violent indiscriminately.

But things are better, and I'm going to change the subject. I will offer one piece of hopeful comfort to anyone who is suffering something like this though: IT WILL PASS. The world won't end, and don't give up. Fight the good fight, and you have to win it, and it will be hard, but it will be worth it, and don't fight it alone. Do NOT fight it alone. If that means getting whatever God you believe in on your side, or getting family, friends, whoever, don't fight alone. People can take abuse, naturally to a point, but we're tough, nonetheless. People are like ocean side rocks that can grow, unlike real rocks: The difficulties of life wash over us and break us down, and then we grow again, get broken down again, sometimes a little, and sometimes a lot. But the waves can't stop us from growing, and then one day we break through high enough, and by God, we are an island. Hell, we are a chain of islands, indeed: All with our own waves washing over us, trying to break us down, and they do sometimes. It's hard and it's painful and it's not fair. But like in nature, it also shapes who we become. And inside of us there is a beauty, an oasis, and inside while we all stand independent, with our own problems and our own beauty, we are all connected, like a chain of islands.

Ok, I've talked about that as long as I want to talk about it. I went on some carnival rides in Trier this weekend past. I love rides, and I went on this one that moves so violently that it would make an earthquake ill. I went on it three times. And I thank God I don't get motion sick. I decided to put that to the test by eating a bowl of cooked mushrooms in garlic sauce, slopped up with a piece of bread. :-D After that, there were bumper cars and then another ride that picked you up and dropped you in a counter and then counter clockwise motion. I don't know what it was called, but Paul, who went with me every time but once, thought it was brilliant (in this context, British for hilarious) when I suggested they should invent a ride called "The Malfunction". I really think that'd be a splash!

So there's a lighter paragraph to end things on. I hope all is well, and I need to get away from this note now. I've survived this week once, and that was plenty for me.

Hope all is well!

Sincerely,
Tristan

Observations

Dear Constant Readers,

I've given a lot of thought to what I thought I'd write about this week, but after giving it a test-go in my personal diary, I decided that this time even that would be too much for me to write about in this blog, which perhaps some of you already find too open. Sometimes I wonder, myself. Putting it all out there is therapeutic for me, and the Internet generally is helpful: When I write in my personal diary, no one has to hear my thoughts. Here, though, I know people can read them if they want, and I know some people do read them. And what's more, I can be fairly anonymous, saying what I want about my feelings and my observations of the world. I try to be down to earth, and I try to be honest, but sometimes this distance is really helpful, nevertheless.

The majority of last week actually, I was fairly depressed. I seem to go through cycles of this, truth be told, usually resulting from some fear about what I'm going to do with my life, and I suppose that kind of anxiety is normal for people my age.

But this was different. This was triggered by some stupid sarcastic comment that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but like a sliver, it was small and still packed a wallop. I am a sarcastic person myself, but sometimes the shoe on the other food hurts when it feels like I'm being made out to look like the butt of a joke. Anyway, that was just the tip of the iceberg. This week I've been facing a nemesis of my life that's haunted me for several years. And I'm not going to go into specifics or details at all, mostly because, believe it or not, even I'm not too comfortable bearing my whole damn heart in this blog, and besides, I'm not sure how to go into the details anyway without stumbling around.

Basically though I've been facing the problem of jealousy this week. As I've told a few people already, this is the one thing about myself I think I'd change if I could. I wrote a few pages' worth in my diary the other night about this, entitled "A Misery Observed" after CS Lewis' book "A Grief Observed". Lewis lost his wife to cancer and writing about his pain from it in this book helped him cope. Likewise, I thought this would help me, writing about it. And perhaps it can help someone else, too.

I think jealous people want to be jealous about as much as terminal ill people want to be ill. The hell of jealousy is that is is the most effective way to rob yourself of everything you care about. It's like a black hole that sucks everything beyond reach, and it feels like a big black hole in you, as well, because something is missing.

This is something I haven't been able to figure out about myself. Maybe it goes back to feeling left out when I was little in grade school. Even as a young kid I preferred sitting on the swing set rather than sports (I still don't like sports that much) but there were still times I tried to be accepted. By some people I was, I wasn't without friends, but I never felt like I fit in very well. I have almost always felt on the fringe of everyone else, observing things. When speaking with Dylon about this, I realized, however, that I could be looking at situations about this incorrectly. Instead of looking at people and feeling left out (regardless of whether or not I'm actually being excluded, usually I'm probably not, but it still feels that way) I may be actually thinking about it invertedly. By not fitting in, I do fit in. In a way, I could be "the missing piece" for want of a better word. Dylon compared it to a color-wheel. Red and Yellow go fine together, but without Blue, the wheel just wouldn't work.

But still, it's frustrating to see things not go according to how I wanted them to. That's also, of course, the natural course of things, and as I'm not the best planner, it's often probably a fortunate occurrence, as well. But we live in this world where so many people try to plan out their lives down to little details, and then something comes along and shakes them up. I'm not like exactly like that, but I do get over-protective sometimes when I feel something shaking my little world. I think this is part of the reason I wanted to go out into the world like this, as an exchange student, but the catch is, to overcome these feelings, one has to face them, and that really isn't easy. I know I'll always have flaws, just like everyone else. But I also know I'm capable of self-improvement. I've already done it to become patient, which I used to be sorely lacking on. I used to have a short fuse and fly off the handle, and all that, but I've overcome it through willpower, prayer, and driving in Lincoln (I hate cities, dontchaknow). Come to think of it, I do have my share of stories where my teeny Toyota has been the bane of my existence, like the time it completely died on me at a stoplight in the middle of rush-hour traffic.

The point is, I've resolved to become a better person about this, and get a better control over these feelings that make me feel so miserable. It's not easy. The other night I made this resolution, only to suddenly fall into it again. But then I guess you have to think to yourself, "Step 2: Repeat Step 1 until you achieve a result." I'm not sure how to go about doing it, but it doesn't matter, ultimately, cuz one way or the other, I need to get it mastered, before it poisons any of my other relationships.

Anyway, enough of that. That wasn't very cheery, was it? I hope it was optimistic in the end, though. People are stronger than they think, it's really amazing.

There were a few other, lighter things, I wanted to write about. One is just things I miss about home, stuff that I've been meaning to list. It's kind of a departure from my usual style, but oh well, right? Of course, there are my friends and family. But after that:

Jaywalking.
Good Pizza Hut (Germany's doesn't do it for me).
Drinks the size of Rhode Island and free refills to top it off.
Air conditioning in my room.
Carpet.
Taco Johns.
Double Bacon Cheeseburgers with no blasted pickles, from McDonalds.
Chalupas.
My dog.
All my books.
The openness of an American lawn; I doubt Germany lacks there, but where I live I haven't seen it.
Not having to rely on my own cooking all the time; I've actually started to eat out more just because I'm tired of shopping and cooking.
Movies in English.
Sticking my hand out of a rolled-down car window.
My old cellphone.

The list isn't comprehensive, but those are a few things I miss the most. Some things, now, about Germany that drive me a little crazy. Some of it is just the opposite of above, so I won't list those, but anyway, here's a few things:

Having to cook with backing paper under my pizza (OK, not really Germany, but more the people I live with).
The same people freaking out when I fill the electric hot water kettle up with more water than would fit in my mug ("You're wasting energy, you don't need all that!" I don't need all that water, but I'd rather error on the side of heating too much than not heating enough. Besides, it's just a kettle.)
Lectures (Vorlesungs)
Having to pack my things up (Again, not really Germany's fault, just what happens when you move.)
Everyone always being busy to do stuff. There's not really any escaping this sometimes, but a frustrating is a frustration right? Sometimes I'm the one who's too busy to do stuff, so what goes around, comes around.

Actually, I'm having a hard time thinking of things to complain about. And I take that as a good sign. I really have enjoyed my time here, and I think I've also developed a lot as a person. I've made some good friends, have learned another language fluently, have learned another culture, have NOT learned its trains, though, although who cares, I guess. Regarding the language, I think it will vastly improve when I get home, actually. There are times I still have a hard time with people here, but actually, for me, getting out of it for a while and letting things settle in my brain seem to help. And maybe some people are just hard for me to understand. :-)

Anyway, I'm going to end it here. This isn't really the entry that I had planned, but I wasn't sure how to go about it anyway, after such a bizarre week for me. In any case, I hope you liked it, and I hope all is well!

Yours,
Tristan

Tree of Life

Dear Constant Readers,

A friend of mine asked me to hurry along with my next post, and it so happens that while waiting for my cheesy-stuff-crust pizza to fulfill it's destiny in the oven, I have a few free minutes to at least get started.

I actually began writing this last night, but I was too tired to say much, and didn't have much to say, and those don't make for brilliant writing conditions, so I erased the two or three lines I had and am starting afresh.

To be honest, though, I'm not quite sure what to write about. Usually things come to me when I write, so I'm banking that will happen here. One can only hope. (Pizza's ready!)

Now that my year is visibly drawing to a close here in Germany, I've found myself thinking just a bit of the people here I'll leave behind. This is becoming clear to me like rays from the sunrise slowly but steadily poking through the vegetation of a dense forest or a field of ripe corn. The feeling is starting to haunt me, and so I want to enjoy the time I have with my friends now. The truth is, when I go home, I will most likely keep in touch with only a very few, probably I can count them on one hand, almost. Most of the people I see here I barely speak with in person, others, a little more. But when time is factored in, things will grow apart.

This is sometimes a refreshing thing to think about, thinking of a new start and all that; but more often, I think, it is for many a difficult and bittersweet reality. When I left my few but dear friends behind in college to come to Germany, it was hard for me to do. But it had to be done. Leaving my parents at the airport, on the other hand was not difficult. I don't know how they felt, but I think they are getting used to me leaving. I first left home when I was 17; I went to live in Mexico for a year. I was looking forward to it, I didn't really feel connected to many people back home, and to those I did, I knew I'd be back to see them again. For my parents and siblings, it looked like they were at a funeral. I appreciated the feelings, although I felt a bit clueless as to how to react to them.

But when I left my Mom and Dad at the airport to come to Germany, it was a simple "Goodbye, have a nice trip, we'll see you around," which at the time I was very pleased with.

Leaving here, I feel, will be different. Some people have told me they'd like to go quietly without a scene. I don't really want that. I don't want to make a big deal, and due to my flight, I most likely will have to leave very early in the morning (why does things things ALWAY have to happen at the God-forsaken crack of dawn or before?), but even so, I'd like to not just steal away. I don't feel comfortable with that.

To be sure, there are some things I won't be very sorry to leave behind. And I suspect there are some people who I will be glad to no longer be around. I can't say about that for certainty; and if you are reading this thinking I'm talking about you, don't be so sure that's actually the case. Some experiences have been painful though, and I'll be glad to have them behind me so I can have, once again, a fresh start at home. I didn't come here to run away from problems, and I'm not going home with the intention of doing that either, but I will be going home as a slightly different version of me, a more developed version of me, than I was almost a year ago, and so of course I think it will be similar to a fresh start in America again.

I know some people are bothered by friendships coming and going, and as I was telling Dylon last night, the fact that any relationship works out is a miracle in of itself. With so many factors in the world, that people stay become friends or lovers and stay as such is something taken so much for granted, but should not be, especially when one considers that most of the relationships one goes through in life actually do fall through. It's only a select few that stay.

It's not bad in of itself that all relationships come to a close, although the conditions governing that close might be very bad indeed. It's the nature of life. My favorite season is perhaps Autumn, which gives this example: a tree cannot hold the same leaves its whole life. It always gets new leaves, however to get new leaves, the old ones must first depart. Yet as sad as this may be, this departure of leaves, of old friends and past relationships, mix with the soil the tree is standing in, and make for a hopefully rich, strong, and healthy foundation. This analogy of course has its short comings, for example, you don't have to lose a friendship so they can become part of your rich foundation, and some friends may stick with you for as long as life permits; but to a point the tree image helps illustrate what I'm trying to say.

Because everything becomes part of your past and history, I think it's important to leave people on a good note. It's not always possible, and at the time it's not always desired. I had a friendship, one of the best ones of my life, but through jealousy and misunderstanding, not all of it my fault, but a lot of it, I think, it's a ghost story now. For years I was hurt and venomous about this person, and I couldn't figure out why. But you can't force a healing. I wasn't ready to heal. I wanted to, but I couldn't, because I just wasn't ready to deal with it for a long time. They say time heals all. Not true. Time helps, but *you* have to do the healing, somehow. And you probably will, because humans are beings that heal, but you have to allow it to happen. What time does though, is make it so you don't have to force the process. Time lets it happen naturally, in due course.

This week we had as a vacation, and I've used it to spend some time with most of the friends I have in this country, 99% of them within a 10 minute walk from me.

I traveled to Luxembourg with Dylon to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" in glorious English. Dylon, Anna, Iona and I all had plans to go to Koblenz, but due to weather, we stayed in town and had lunch. I've gotten back in touch, somewhat at least, with a friend I've barely seen since last semester.

The quietest experiences for me are the best, generally. Sometimes there's not much to tell: One of the best experiences of my trip so far was spending a couple of hours with Iona eating Nippon chocolate wafers in her room and telling stories back and forth. We joked with one another, swapped advice about relationships, and drank hot chocolate. But it was something of this year I think I'll really value. It might fade, like that leaf in soil, and become just part of who I am, but I hope someday to remember back on it, and things like it, from time to time.

One thing that frustrates me is how busy Germans are. True, they have their own life, as they should, and true, they are in college, and true, they aren't here to accommodate the me just because I'm here, but sometimes I'm in awe of how much they say they retire to study. I'm not a slacker in college, and yes my workload is considerably less this year than it usually is, but sometimes I can't help but wonder at how often they say they need to study. Maybe I haven't seen a full spectrum of what it's like with Germans my age. And maybe I'm just really really off about this whole thing. I came here to meet new people and see a new culture. And so I have, I've succeeded. But some of the friendships I've tried to solidify with the locals has proven very challenging due to this. I don't think less of them for it, naturally not, and it perhaps is a cultural question about work ethic. But it's boggled me from time to time. I hope it doesn't mean I have a poor work ethic.

Speaking of work ethic...

Back in January I said I would focus on German, whole German, and nothing but German, so help me God, and indeed, I would not tinker with other languages until I got home, but things have changed slightly. My German is still not at the level I want it to be, in the idiomatic and vocabulary department. Actually, in almost all departments it still needs work. But I've succeeded a lot in it, so well in fact that I notice people I used to be uncomfortable speaking with I am not as much as I used to be. I guess I was right last week when I said the encouragement I wrote about was really very helpful to me.

So then, I've started learning my fourth language. Which is not actually the case. I really started learning it, Esperanto, as my second (or third if you count French) language around six years ago, because I thought it would help me learn other languages, and also because it was said to be very easy to learn, and I desperately wanted to shed from the bondage of being monolingual (I'll never look back!). I taught myself, and for a reputedly very easy language, it took me a long, long time to learn. However, I had a few things working against me: I'd really studied a foreign language before, let alone taught myself one. And when one starts out at a new hobby, things are bound to be bungled for the first attempts.

Also, I had very strict ideas about fluency. The truth is, I still do have high goals, and what I consider fluency is still dark waters a bit, but to actually use the language at a competent level is something that I've often overlooked, and haven't always given it enough credit for. I also used to think I'd just "feel" different if I learned another language. The feeling of being more complete never arrived, so on some level, I figured the language was never learned, and I didn't give myself enough credit for my hard work.

And I never had anyone to talk to. I had the internet and a chatroom called Babilejo, but almost all of my Esperanto knowledge when unchecked and remained largely passive. One can memorize all the grammar they want, and they can read themselves blind in all the literature they can get their hands on. But if you can't express a single sentence, and if your knowledge is just passive like what I mentioned...well, then that's the difference between the mere admirer of art and the artist him/herself. For me it wasn't exactly so: I could form sentences and express ideas, but I had no one to practice with, and so never really became competent.

As German became more important, I put Esperanto on the back burner, but never forgot about it, and promised myself I'd go back and learn the language in depth.

The motivation I needed came in the form of a German here, the one who helped me find the key to feeling good about my German, and who herself is an accomplished polyglot. She's proven to be extremely generous in her willingness to help me in my languages, and bought me a novel to help me get started in the language again. Talking to her actually drove home how far I could be in the language if I'd kept at it, as we started learning it I think at about the same time, but life is many-pathed. Still I was a little sad at the realization of how out of touch I am with it, when I had started out and gotten so far on my own. It's taken me 6 years to find another speaker, which really shouldn't have been that difficult, but there were times when I guess it my heart wasn't in it (too far away, usually), or there simply was no one around that I was aware of.

So I hope now, with a little more experience and wisdom behind me, to finally accomplish a goal of mine I set out on over half a decade ago. French is another one, but that's an even older goal.

These are my thoughts for tonight, and I'm going to come to a close here before I get any more tired. I hope all is going well.

Sincerely,
Tristan