Tree of Life
Dear Constant Readers,
A friend of mine asked me to hurry along with my next post, and it so happens that while waiting for my cheesy-stuff-crust pizza to fulfill it's destiny in the oven, I have a few free minutes to at least get started.
I actually began writing this last night, but I was too tired to say much, and didn't have much to say, and those don't make for brilliant writing conditions, so I erased the two or three lines I had and am starting afresh.
To be honest, though, I'm not quite sure what to write about. Usually things come to me when I write, so I'm banking that will happen here. One can only hope. (Pizza's ready!)
Now that my year is visibly drawing to a close here in Germany, I've found myself thinking just a bit of the people here I'll leave behind. This is becoming clear to me like rays from the sunrise slowly but steadily poking through the vegetation of a dense forest or a field of ripe corn. The feeling is starting to haunt me, and so I want to enjoy the time I have with my friends now. The truth is, when I go home, I will most likely keep in touch with only a very few, probably I can count them on one hand, almost. Most of the people I see here I barely speak with in person, others, a little more. But when time is factored in, things will grow apart.
This is sometimes a refreshing thing to think about, thinking of a new start and all that; but more often, I think, it is for many a difficult and bittersweet reality. When I left my few but dear friends behind in college to come to Germany, it was hard for me to do. But it had to be done. Leaving my parents at the airport, on the other hand was not difficult. I don't know how they felt, but I think they are getting used to me leaving. I first left home when I was 17; I went to live in Mexico for a year. I was looking forward to it, I didn't really feel connected to many people back home, and to those I did, I knew I'd be back to see them again. For my parents and siblings, it looked like they were at a funeral. I appreciated the feelings, although I felt a bit clueless as to how to react to them.
But when I left my Mom and Dad at the airport to come to Germany, it was a simple "Goodbye, have a nice trip, we'll see you around," which at the time I was very pleased with.
Leaving here, I feel, will be different. Some people have told me they'd like to go quietly without a scene. I don't really want that. I don't want to make a big deal, and due to my flight, I most likely will have to leave very early in the morning (why does things things ALWAY have to happen at the God-forsaken crack of dawn or before?), but even so, I'd like to not just steal away. I don't feel comfortable with that.
To be sure, there are some things I won't be very sorry to leave behind. And I suspect there are some people who I will be glad to no longer be around. I can't say about that for certainty; and if you are reading this thinking I'm talking about you, don't be so sure that's actually the case. Some experiences have been painful though, and I'll be glad to have them behind me so I can have, once again, a fresh start at home. I didn't come here to run away from problems, and I'm not going home with the intention of doing that either, but I will be going home as a slightly different version of me, a more developed version of me, than I was almost a year ago, and so of course I think it will be similar to a fresh start in America again.
I know some people are bothered by friendships coming and going, and as I was telling Dylon last night, the fact that any relationship works out is a miracle in of itself. With so many factors in the world, that people stay become friends or lovers and stay as such is something taken so much for granted, but should not be, especially when one considers that most of the relationships one goes through in life actually do fall through. It's only a select few that stay.
It's not bad in of itself that all relationships come to a close, although the conditions governing that close might be very bad indeed. It's the nature of life. My favorite season is perhaps Autumn, which gives this example: a tree cannot hold the same leaves its whole life. It always gets new leaves, however to get new leaves, the old ones must first depart. Yet as sad as this may be, this departure of leaves, of old friends and past relationships, mix with the soil the tree is standing in, and make for a hopefully rich, strong, and healthy foundation. This analogy of course has its short comings, for example, you don't have to lose a friendship so they can become part of your rich foundation, and some friends may stick with you for as long as life permits; but to a point the tree image helps illustrate what I'm trying to say.
Because everything becomes part of your past and history, I think it's important to leave people on a good note. It's not always possible, and at the time it's not always desired. I had a friendship, one of the best ones of my life, but through jealousy and misunderstanding, not all of it my fault, but a lot of it, I think, it's a ghost story now. For years I was hurt and venomous about this person, and I couldn't figure out why. But you can't force a healing. I wasn't ready to heal. I wanted to, but I couldn't, because I just wasn't ready to deal with it for a long time. They say time heals all. Not true. Time helps, but *you* have to do the healing, somehow. And you probably will, because humans are beings that heal, but you have to allow it to happen. What time does though, is make it so you don't have to force the process. Time lets it happen naturally, in due course.
This week we had as a vacation, and I've used it to spend some time with most of the friends I have in this country, 99% of them within a 10 minute walk from me.
I traveled to Luxembourg with Dylon to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" in glorious English. Dylon, Anna, Iona and I all had plans to go to Koblenz, but due to weather, we stayed in town and had lunch. I've gotten back in touch, somewhat at least, with a friend I've barely seen since last semester.
The quietest experiences for me are the best, generally. Sometimes there's not much to tell: One of the best experiences of my trip so far was spending a couple of hours with Iona eating Nippon chocolate wafers in her room and telling stories back and forth. We joked with one another, swapped advice about relationships, and drank hot chocolate. But it was something of this year I think I'll really value. It might fade, like that leaf in soil, and become just part of who I am, but I hope someday to remember back on it, and things like it, from time to time.
One thing that frustrates me is how busy Germans are. True, they have their own life, as they should, and true, they are in college, and true, they aren't here to accommodate the me just because I'm here, but sometimes I'm in awe of how much they say they retire to study. I'm not a slacker in college, and yes my workload is considerably less this year than it usually is, but sometimes I can't help but wonder at how often they say they need to study. Maybe I haven't seen a full spectrum of what it's like with Germans my age. And maybe I'm just really really off about this whole thing. I came here to meet new people and see a new culture. And so I have, I've succeeded. But some of the friendships I've tried to solidify with the locals has proven very challenging due to this. I don't think less of them for it, naturally not, and it perhaps is a cultural question about work ethic. But it's boggled me from time to time. I hope it doesn't mean I have a poor work ethic.
Speaking of work ethic...
Back in January I said I would focus on German, whole German, and nothing but German, so help me God, and indeed, I would not tinker with other languages until I got home, but things have changed slightly. My German is still not at the level I want it to be, in the idiomatic and vocabulary department. Actually, in almost all departments it still needs work. But I've succeeded a lot in it, so well in fact that I notice people I used to be uncomfortable speaking with I am not as much as I used to be. I guess I was right last week when I said the encouragement I wrote about was really very helpful to me.
So then, I've started learning my fourth language. Which is not actually the case. I really started learning it, Esperanto, as my second (or third if you count French) language around six years ago, because I thought it would help me learn other languages, and also because it was said to be very easy to learn, and I desperately wanted to shed from the bondage of being monolingual (I'll never look back!). I taught myself, and for a reputedly very easy language, it took me a long, long time to learn. However, I had a few things working against me: I'd really studied a foreign language before, let alone taught myself one. And when one starts out at a new hobby, things are bound to be bungled for the first attempts.
Also, I had very strict ideas about fluency. The truth is, I still do have high goals, and what I consider fluency is still dark waters a bit, but to actually use the language at a competent level is something that I've often overlooked, and haven't always given it enough credit for. I also used to think I'd just "feel" different if I learned another language. The feeling of being more complete never arrived, so on some level, I figured the language was never learned, and I didn't give myself enough credit for my hard work.
And I never had anyone to talk to. I had the internet and a chatroom called Babilejo, but almost all of my Esperanto knowledge when unchecked and remained largely passive. One can memorize all the grammar they want, and they can read themselves blind in all the literature they can get their hands on. But if you can't express a single sentence, and if your knowledge is just passive like what I mentioned...well, then that's the difference between the mere admirer of art and the artist him/herself. For me it wasn't exactly so: I could form sentences and express ideas, but I had no one to practice with, and so never really became competent.
As German became more important, I put Esperanto on the back burner, but never forgot about it, and promised myself I'd go back and learn the language in depth.
The motivation I needed came in the form of a German here, the one who helped me find the key to feeling good about my German, and who herself is an accomplished polyglot. She's proven to be extremely generous in her willingness to help me in my languages, and bought me a novel to help me get started in the language again. Talking to her actually drove home how far I could be in the language if I'd kept at it, as we started learning it I think at about the same time, but life is many-pathed. Still I was a little sad at the realization of how out of touch I am with it, when I had started out and gotten so far on my own. It's taken me 6 years to find another speaker, which really shouldn't have been that difficult, but there were times when I guess it my heart wasn't in it (too far away, usually), or there simply was no one around that I was aware of.
So I hope now, with a little more experience and wisdom behind me, to finally accomplish a goal of mine I set out on over half a decade ago. French is another one, but that's an even older goal.
These are my thoughts for tonight, and I'm going to come to a close here before I get any more tired. I hope all is going well.
Sincerely,
Tristan
A friend of mine asked me to hurry along with my next post, and it so happens that while waiting for my cheesy-stuff-crust pizza to fulfill it's destiny in the oven, I have a few free minutes to at least get started.
I actually began writing this last night, but I was too tired to say much, and didn't have much to say, and those don't make for brilliant writing conditions, so I erased the two or three lines I had and am starting afresh.
To be honest, though, I'm not quite sure what to write about. Usually things come to me when I write, so I'm banking that will happen here. One can only hope. (Pizza's ready!)
Now that my year is visibly drawing to a close here in Germany, I've found myself thinking just a bit of the people here I'll leave behind. This is becoming clear to me like rays from the sunrise slowly but steadily poking through the vegetation of a dense forest or a field of ripe corn. The feeling is starting to haunt me, and so I want to enjoy the time I have with my friends now. The truth is, when I go home, I will most likely keep in touch with only a very few, probably I can count them on one hand, almost. Most of the people I see here I barely speak with in person, others, a little more. But when time is factored in, things will grow apart.
This is sometimes a refreshing thing to think about, thinking of a new start and all that; but more often, I think, it is for many a difficult and bittersweet reality. When I left my few but dear friends behind in college to come to Germany, it was hard for me to do. But it had to be done. Leaving my parents at the airport, on the other hand was not difficult. I don't know how they felt, but I think they are getting used to me leaving. I first left home when I was 17; I went to live in Mexico for a year. I was looking forward to it, I didn't really feel connected to many people back home, and to those I did, I knew I'd be back to see them again. For my parents and siblings, it looked like they were at a funeral. I appreciated the feelings, although I felt a bit clueless as to how to react to them.
But when I left my Mom and Dad at the airport to come to Germany, it was a simple "Goodbye, have a nice trip, we'll see you around," which at the time I was very pleased with.
Leaving here, I feel, will be different. Some people have told me they'd like to go quietly without a scene. I don't really want that. I don't want to make a big deal, and due to my flight, I most likely will have to leave very early in the morning (why does things things ALWAY have to happen at the God-forsaken crack of dawn or before?), but even so, I'd like to not just steal away. I don't feel comfortable with that.
To be sure, there are some things I won't be very sorry to leave behind. And I suspect there are some people who I will be glad to no longer be around. I can't say about that for certainty; and if you are reading this thinking I'm talking about you, don't be so sure that's actually the case. Some experiences have been painful though, and I'll be glad to have them behind me so I can have, once again, a fresh start at home. I didn't come here to run away from problems, and I'm not going home with the intention of doing that either, but I will be going home as a slightly different version of me, a more developed version of me, than I was almost a year ago, and so of course I think it will be similar to a fresh start in America again.
I know some people are bothered by friendships coming and going, and as I was telling Dylon last night, the fact that any relationship works out is a miracle in of itself. With so many factors in the world, that people stay become friends or lovers and stay as such is something taken so much for granted, but should not be, especially when one considers that most of the relationships one goes through in life actually do fall through. It's only a select few that stay.
It's not bad in of itself that all relationships come to a close, although the conditions governing that close might be very bad indeed. It's the nature of life. My favorite season is perhaps Autumn, which gives this example: a tree cannot hold the same leaves its whole life. It always gets new leaves, however to get new leaves, the old ones must first depart. Yet as sad as this may be, this departure of leaves, of old friends and past relationships, mix with the soil the tree is standing in, and make for a hopefully rich, strong, and healthy foundation. This analogy of course has its short comings, for example, you don't have to lose a friendship so they can become part of your rich foundation, and some friends may stick with you for as long as life permits; but to a point the tree image helps illustrate what I'm trying to say.
Because everything becomes part of your past and history, I think it's important to leave people on a good note. It's not always possible, and at the time it's not always desired. I had a friendship, one of the best ones of my life, but through jealousy and misunderstanding, not all of it my fault, but a lot of it, I think, it's a ghost story now. For years I was hurt and venomous about this person, and I couldn't figure out why. But you can't force a healing. I wasn't ready to heal. I wanted to, but I couldn't, because I just wasn't ready to deal with it for a long time. They say time heals all. Not true. Time helps, but *you* have to do the healing, somehow. And you probably will, because humans are beings that heal, but you have to allow it to happen. What time does though, is make it so you don't have to force the process. Time lets it happen naturally, in due course.
This week we had as a vacation, and I've used it to spend some time with most of the friends I have in this country, 99% of them within a 10 minute walk from me.
I traveled to Luxembourg with Dylon to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" in glorious English. Dylon, Anna, Iona and I all had plans to go to Koblenz, but due to weather, we stayed in town and had lunch. I've gotten back in touch, somewhat at least, with a friend I've barely seen since last semester.
The quietest experiences for me are the best, generally. Sometimes there's not much to tell: One of the best experiences of my trip so far was spending a couple of hours with Iona eating Nippon chocolate wafers in her room and telling stories back and forth. We joked with one another, swapped advice about relationships, and drank hot chocolate. But it was something of this year I think I'll really value. It might fade, like that leaf in soil, and become just part of who I am, but I hope someday to remember back on it, and things like it, from time to time.
One thing that frustrates me is how busy Germans are. True, they have their own life, as they should, and true, they are in college, and true, they aren't here to accommodate the me just because I'm here, but sometimes I'm in awe of how much they say they retire to study. I'm not a slacker in college, and yes my workload is considerably less this year than it usually is, but sometimes I can't help but wonder at how often they say they need to study. Maybe I haven't seen a full spectrum of what it's like with Germans my age. And maybe I'm just really really off about this whole thing. I came here to meet new people and see a new culture. And so I have, I've succeeded. But some of the friendships I've tried to solidify with the locals has proven very challenging due to this. I don't think less of them for it, naturally not, and it perhaps is a cultural question about work ethic. But it's boggled me from time to time. I hope it doesn't mean I have a poor work ethic.
Speaking of work ethic...
Back in January I said I would focus on German, whole German, and nothing but German, so help me God, and indeed, I would not tinker with other languages until I got home, but things have changed slightly. My German is still not at the level I want it to be, in the idiomatic and vocabulary department. Actually, in almost all departments it still needs work. But I've succeeded a lot in it, so well in fact that I notice people I used to be uncomfortable speaking with I am not as much as I used to be. I guess I was right last week when I said the encouragement I wrote about was really very helpful to me.
So then, I've started learning my fourth language. Which is not actually the case. I really started learning it, Esperanto, as my second (or third if you count French) language around six years ago, because I thought it would help me learn other languages, and also because it was said to be very easy to learn, and I desperately wanted to shed from the bondage of being monolingual (I'll never look back!). I taught myself, and for a reputedly very easy language, it took me a long, long time to learn. However, I had a few things working against me: I'd really studied a foreign language before, let alone taught myself one. And when one starts out at a new hobby, things are bound to be bungled for the first attempts.
Also, I had very strict ideas about fluency. The truth is, I still do have high goals, and what I consider fluency is still dark waters a bit, but to actually use the language at a competent level is something that I've often overlooked, and haven't always given it enough credit for. I also used to think I'd just "feel" different if I learned another language. The feeling of being more complete never arrived, so on some level, I figured the language was never learned, and I didn't give myself enough credit for my hard work.
And I never had anyone to talk to. I had the internet and a chatroom called Babilejo, but almost all of my Esperanto knowledge when unchecked and remained largely passive. One can memorize all the grammar they want, and they can read themselves blind in all the literature they can get their hands on. But if you can't express a single sentence, and if your knowledge is just passive like what I mentioned...well, then that's the difference between the mere admirer of art and the artist him/herself. For me it wasn't exactly so: I could form sentences and express ideas, but I had no one to practice with, and so never really became competent.
As German became more important, I put Esperanto on the back burner, but never forgot about it, and promised myself I'd go back and learn the language in depth.
The motivation I needed came in the form of a German here, the one who helped me find the key to feeling good about my German, and who herself is an accomplished polyglot. She's proven to be extremely generous in her willingness to help me in my languages, and bought me a novel to help me get started in the language again. Talking to her actually drove home how far I could be in the language if I'd kept at it, as we started learning it I think at about the same time, but life is many-pathed. Still I was a little sad at the realization of how out of touch I am with it, when I had started out and gotten so far on my own. It's taken me 6 years to find another speaker, which really shouldn't have been that difficult, but there were times when I guess it my heart wasn't in it (too far away, usually), or there simply was no one around that I was aware of.
So I hope now, with a little more experience and wisdom behind me, to finally accomplish a goal of mine I set out on over half a decade ago. French is another one, but that's an even older goal.
These are my thoughts for tonight, and I'm going to come to a close here before I get any more tired. I hope all is going well.
Sincerely,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 11:31 AM
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