Catching Up

Dear Constant Readers,

This week I feel I've been swamped. Last weekend I told myself that before Saturday (yesterday) got here I'd finish a number of things I've been needing to do. I made myself a to-do list, and am happy to say that I did get through the majority of it. Not as much as I was hoping, but enough to feel that I really accomplished something.

Even in my blog I've been behind; in fact I started this on Wednesday, and clacked away at it for a few paragraphs for the past three days or so, only to decided it wasn't want I wanted, so I'm starting anew.

I'm writing this on Sunday, the weekend, and the weekends are always a time a little awkward for me. So many look forward to the weekend it seems, and I do too, but I'm not always sure why. I don't know why the others look forward to them; for some it means free time to travel, or time away from classes, or something like that. I look forward, I think, to the change of scenery from the week, a time to regroup from the previous week, but by Sunday I am feeling rather lost, too. I get the feeling I don't know where I need to be. Today I just walked out of the kitchen, where a group of people were preparing to have a brunch. I wanted to be in the kitchen, to be among other presences, yet I felt out of place and lost, and vulnerable. It looked like something the small group of them had planned, and I didn't want to intrude (I don't know if all of them had planned it or not). The girl from my last post was in there, and I wanted to be around her, although that's more out of the shadow of something...

I wanted to retreat to the comfort of my room and my computer, but in this little shoe-boxed size room, which I usually am quite comfortable with, it can also be very lonely...and I just don't know what do to in situations like that. I don't like always having to answer questions, either. I did end up going to the kitchen (there were only three people sitting there now, and one of them hadn't been there earlier, so I figured I would not be an intrusion if he were also there) and one of my friends mentioned that certainly I must be upset about something, judging from my face. Well, nothing really, except for everything I just wrote about. Not anything at all like I what I said last week, on the contrary, I've been in very high spirits compared to that.

But sometimes I just feel lost, a bit like right now. Just one of those days, I suppose. When I think about it rationally, I'm really doing fine. I've got great friends, I've got things to keep me busy, and I've got a couple more months before I go home and have one more year to figure out what I am going to do next. But that aside, sometimes I just don't know where I belong. Sometimes I feel like there's something that I've missed out on, a clue that most other people have that I don't. People have told me I think to much, but that's just who I am. I've already done more than enough in my life to be proud of something, and I need to start acting like it. For a long time I've been afraid of arrogance, because it's a quality about people I don't really like. But there have been times when I've confused arrogance that makes you feel better than others, with pride that helps you love yourself and who you are, and be confident in yourself, and the latter is what I've been trying, recently, to evaluate about myself.

I don't know what else to say at this point, but I wanted to put this out there. Surely there are other people out there who feel similarly. Life isn't always happy, but happiness either isn't the opposite of sadness, or happiness is often confused to mean always sunny and smiling and so forth. While that is definitely happy, I think think it's an aspect of it, but a limited one, rather than the full picture.

Or maybe it's this: We shouldn't aim to be happy, we should just try to be at peace. And maybe happiness comes from that, a by-product of a larger and more significant state. Happiness can't really be found anyway, and I think I've written about this. Those who seek happiness for themselves, it's said, don't find it. Maybe the key is, then, just becoming comfortable in who you are.

I think my key is just needing to relax, and be proud of what I've accomplished, and be confident in it, and know that I can do more. With my German, for example, I've worked very hard to get where I am, and I can be proud of that. But I want to go farther, just for myself. To know that I did it, and to know that for once I have gone deeper into something than I ever have before. It takes a lot of determination and endurance, but I know I can do it. But to tie this back into the beginning of the paragraph, work hard and let it happen naturally, rather than work hard and force it, and I have been doing much better at this than when I last wrote about it a few months ago. I don't want to get to sound so repetitive on this topic, but there are days when I am tempted to say, "Let it go, it's too much work." But then I realize that that's not my goal. I think in times like this, people need to give themselves a breather, and not be so overly hard on themselves, and then get back on the horse and ask their "challenger": "Is that the best you can do?!"

I feel like I should say more, but I can't exactly think about what it is I want to say. I've been thinking of more, especially since summer is almost here. I miss my friends. I'm homesick for the times we would be having. But also, I'm gaining experiences here that I wouldn't if I were home, and I have my friends here that I want to spend as much time with as I can. Because when I go home, I'll miss them, as well.

So anyways, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Not as long a note as I'd hoped, but maybe next week I'll have more to say. I hope so, because from Wednesday til Sunday I'm off to Berlin!

I hope all is well, and to those it applies to, like my mom, if she reads this today, Happy Mother's Day!

Sincerely,
Tristan