Back to Writing Again

Dear Constant Readers,

For the past four or five days my internet has been down again. Not only was it down here, but for some reason unknown to me, my school computer account had also been shut down, so writing on my blog was not possible, and a few other details I need worked out have not been possible. So to those of you who may have been looking to see when I'd write again, I apologize for the delay. It's already in the early hours of the morning, but I felt this had waited long enough.

Part of the reason why I enjoy writing in this blog is because it gives me a place to talk about things I can't talk about with everyone here. Most of the friends I have don't speak English as a native language, and even the ones who do speak English I'm almost always speaking German with. This is good for language practice, but when it comes to things that I really have and need to get out, this is very frustrating.

Last week is an example. For the past month and a half I've been on break, as I've written about already. Most of that time has been spent fairly constructively, either traveling around, or in my own slightly reclusive way of studying German with my grammar book. Almost all of my friends are busy, or are not around, so it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. I've tried to make the most of it, but sometimes I get antsy and start to wonder about whether I'm being constructive or wasteful.

Anyways, onto what I wanted to say about last week: I've been working very hard on my German. I've been trying to do all things German...right now I'm taking a bit of a break and am reading another quick novel in English, I hope to be done with it in the next couple of days...but for the most part, I'm trying to make this last 4 months or so very successful ones regarding the language.

For all my love of language, I have to work very hard at it; maybe it comes easy to me compared to other people, but if it does, then it's relative, because it sometimes feels very difficult. In any case, I was telling Christina about how I feel self-conscious speaking around friends rather than around strangers, and she found that odd, but then went on to say that that is all I seem to talk about with her, and that I think about it too much.

I remember the first time someone really brought to my attention how much I was talking about language with them. Up until that point I didn't realize it, but it was true. Afterwards I felt terribly awkward speaking with this person again, I felt like I had already ruined future conversations by appearing as completely obsessive and narrow-minded and blind to the world around me.

That was years ago, and since then my opinions on obsessiveness has changed, and I am not blind to the world around me, but I still felt vulnerable to what Christina had said, and although she didn't intend it, her words cut much deeper than she had realized.

And this is why. And I hope with all my heart that someone reads this and knows what I'm talking about. Languages are my life. For the past seven years, a solid seven years, I've immersed myself in grammar books in languages ranging from French to Lakota to Esperanto to even Klingon. I've invented my own rudimentary language, (but I never learned to speak it). I've spent hours pouring over articles about linguistics, what it takes to be an interpreter at the United Nations (which is what I wanted to do for a a few years), joined and am an active member of a language forum on the internet, and have left my home culture and everyone I know, twice, to live other countries mainly just to learn the languages. Some people become exchange students to see another culture (and I wanted that, too, of course), some do it to make friends in another part of the world, some do it with a lot of partying on their minds, probably. I don't know. I did it, mostly, for the language, and a bit of romantic flare: even though the world is explored, I can still somehow find adventure somewhere.

This is not what I'm all about. I do have a life beyond this. I like to write, as I hope is clear by now. I like to read. I want to learn the piano, and to be better at drawing and painting. But at my heart I'm a linguist of sorts.

So when Christina told me these things, I wondered if I had somehow, unconsciously, been pushing people away. Despite talking about these things in this blog, I actually like my privacy. But as the saying goes: I like being alone; I hate being lonely. I love having visitors come by my room. I love hearing from people commenting on my blog, I love socializing with my friends. In short, I guess I would describe myself as introverted, but with a love of company when the time is right.

So I felt torn between two things that I love: my love of language vs. trying to make and keep the friendships I have here. How, I asked myself, do I stop doing something I love so much, stop thinking about it, at the cost of the other? Because for all the love of my hobby, a language will never give a person a hug. I language is a piss-poor soundboard. A quote hangs in a polyglot's study, so I've read, and it goes something like this: The pursuit of only money or only knowledge lead not to happiness. My language studies are a passion, over almost a decade I admit that they have consumed me, not to where I'm insane for them, but they mean a lot to me. But they are an intellectual study, and I know that a person needs far more than mere intellect to lead a full life, which is what I'm striving to do. I think relationships are the key to that. And yet, for all the friends in the world, if I can't be myself around them, the self that is completely enamored for linguistics, then that wouldn't really be me. It would be like being friends with Picasso, and him never feeling comfortable mentioning he was a painter. I've heard of pilots who do it because it's in their blood, not because it's their profession. And I've heard the same about sailors. And this is how it is with me, I think.

So, that was the quandary. I felt cornered. But I didn't really feel like I had anyone to talk to. Ever since then, Christina and I were on speaking terms. I felt awkward around her, and she didn't seemed much inclined to chat anyway. I hadn't figured out how to try to communicate and talk to Katrin yet, and my other two friends who were in town that I felt like I could mention this two, both of them American exchange students, they were both busy as well, and besides, I wasn't sure how to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I use them so much for advice anyway.

For two days or so this stewed in me until finally, sitting in the kitchen trying to read a book in German Katrin had given me for Christmas, after everyone had left, I finally broke down and wept, wondering what in the hell had gone wrong, and where to go next, because I really didn't know what course to take. I half hoped someone would see me and ask what was wrong, and I half dreaded this as well.

Katrin found me, and became alarmed at seeing me in such a state. I've seen people break down in front me since coming here, and at times have felt low myself, but had never exposed myself in this way to anyone here yet. She sat down across from me at the table and persuaded me to tell me what was bothering me, in English, if I wanted to, which I did, at the time, but when I finally got the chance to tell someone what was bothering me, I didn't even know how to describe it. I knew what I felt was genuine, but I couldn't find the words for it at first. While trying to think of what to say, Katrin's friend Lisa (who we visited several months ago in Mainz, if you remember me mentioning that) walked in on this rather awkward moment, but was gracious enough to be patient with me as I tried to explain to Katrin what was disturbing me.

So I told her what Christina and told me, and I told how I felt like I had been isolating myself without knowing it, and about how people tell me I think to much, but there is really no way I can find to turn that off, especially if there is no one here to do anything with and I'm alone, and I told her how I missed talking to her (Katrin) and how even though our friendship had seemed to go cold, she was still an important person to me, and that I was sorry for whatever had gone wrong. She took all this, especially the latter part, with a somewhat stunned and speechless expression. I didn't know what to make of it, but it seemed to be the right thing to say. I still didn't know how to talk to her, so I just talked, and didn't care how it sounded, because I needed to get it out of me.

After that, I calmed down a bit, and the rest of the evening went fairly smoothly. Katrin later told me that I should have just come to her in the first place, and that she thought I was upset at her...Which was odd...I'd never really been upset at her, a bit puzzled and hurt at how things were, but the whole time I had been avoiding her because I thought she was upset at me and wanted space.

So communicating screw ups go deeper than language problems, I guess. It was nice to get that out of the way between us.

A few days later, while speaking with Christina, she mentioned that Katrin had mentioned how much I had been hurt by what she had told me about thinking too much about languages, and apologized for causing me to misunderstand her. It wasn't her fault, I don't there's anyway that she, or most people here, can understand how it would have affected me, but it was nice to hear that from her as well, and to know that she wasn't all annoyed with me, as I feared she might be.

Some people say "Don't care what others think about you" and to a point they are right. You have to be your own person. But I do care what other people think, again, to a point. I care if they think I'm being a jerk, or completely narrow-focused on something, especially since in both cases I try not to be. If she's annoyed with me, I would have cared about that. Maybe I couldn't do anything about it, and if she was just a face in the crowd to me, it wouldn't be such a priority to worry about, if any at all, but because she is someone I care about her, her feelings are something that I try to be considerate of. I try to be like that with most people here that I meet.

So, I don't know how things will go now. I intend on pursuing my German studies, and that's all I can say. I seem to be on mostly good terms with everyone around me, for which I'm glad. I'm stressed about two things, though: my class schedule for this semester, and how hard it seems to be to get things to fit with what I need, and a religious camp in France I'll be visiting for a week after Easter. Katrin invited me to go with her to a place called Taize, and I accepted, although I'm nervous about it, as I usually am before I go some place new, where there will be thousands of strangers. However, I'm sure it will be fun, and my classes will be boring as hell, and those are just the facts of life one has to accept. Somehow I'll at least get them to work out.

So why did I spill my guts like this tonight? Because everyone has a shit time once in a while. Maybe some of you didn't want to read about it, but I'm sure all of you could relate to it. Maybe somehow it might be comforting to those who are having a hard time with something.

Be cool. Hope all is well.

Sincerely,
Tristan