More precious than gold

Dear Constant Readers,

I haven't written much, as those of you who have been following my blog can see. I apologize if I've kept anyone at all waiting. If it's any consolation, I'm behind on a lot of things, not just this. I do have plenty to talk about, but for the past couple of weeks I've just been a little out of my senses, it feels like.

I started writing an entry last night, but was too tired to complete it, so I put it off, and now I'm starting over tonight, because I didn't really like what I had written last night. It wasn't of the nature of how I was feeling; indeed it felt a tad more superficial than what I would have liked.

I think that's weird that I write about feeling not well about being superficial in this, in a public blog, where God knows who is reading it. When I've told people about this, they say that they probably couldn't or wouldn't write something so open for the whole world to see. But for some of those who have read it and have sent me feed back, they seem to like the fact that I try to be rather candid, even if at times I think for an instant that I shouldn't have said something. I do try to reserve some info, of course, (we all do,) but like I've already mentioned before, this is therapeutic for me, to get some shit off my chest.

Potential future exchange students: Be not afraid, the stress I sometimes write about happens to everyone (doubtless many people are already aware of this), even those who aren't doing a study abroad, so don't let some of the stuff I vent give you the idea that living/studying (mostly living, hopefully) is more pain than it's worth. It's painful sometimes. It's almost always worth it. It *will* always be worth it if you want it to be. This has been one of the best collective experiences of my life, I honestly can't imagine my life without having lived away from home like this. I've tried to write about some of the great things as well, about living abroad, and sometimes I think the negative stuff in my blog outweighs them. If this is the case, from you, the Constant Reader's, perspective, then I'm sorry about that. My intent is to be informative, candid, honest, entertaining, and hopefully consistent...but certainly not negative.

One reason I am relatively open, though, is so that if someone reading this feels similarly, they can know that they aren't the only one, if I haven't mentioned that before.

I don't get much feed back anymore, and heck, I like hearing from people, but I must be doing something right, or I hope so, because almost always what I get back is good messages, and I thank you senders for that, it really is encouraging to help me write this the way I do.

I actually almost never go back and re-read either this or my personal diary entries (the director's cut version of this, I guess you could say) so I don't always keep track of what I've already written, and what might be repetitive. But in this case I did go back and just skim a little of my last entry because of its relevance to the past few weeks. I mentioned a girl with whom a relationship sort of began, but then didn't really happen...because I didn't really feel the necessary chemistry, and because I didn't want to be obligated to one person when I still wanted to have the free time (and honestly, the simplicity of just being single) early on in the year to meet more people, spend time with them, and see if I could establish some friendships. So her and I never really became a couple. And I thought I was happy with that, but the truth is, now it looks like she really does have a boyfriend, and now I realize that perhaps I screwed up.

Last week this was a lot worse, this feeling. I was blue and depressed, especially when I saw the two of them on together in the kitchen or corridor, or whatever. So I told some friends about it, because that's what you do in situations like that. You don't need the bullshit self-indulgence of suffering in silence. I told them what was bugging me, and they were generous and listened to me sing my sad song. And they were friendly and said that happens man. And it does. It does all the time, and if there was someone else here, I'd be telling them the same thing. But it's hard to tell yourself this, even if you believe it. Believing in something doesn't make the pain disappear. It's more like a lighthouse in a storm, I'd say. My favorite bit of advice was given to me by a man I've never personally met, but with whom I've corresponded over (can you guess??) languages and phonetics...and incidentally he's been one hell of a boost to talk when I've had questions or needed encouragement, even though we haven't spoken that much. But anyway, he relayed some of this stories of broken romance, and advised me to just sit around in a dark room in my boxers and eat Cheetos for two days, and then move on with life. Because it's OK to feel down, it's quite normal, it happens. Don't let it rule your life, but realize that if you are feeling sad for awhile about something like this, chances are there's nothing wrong with you.

And then I felt better. I had some good talks with some good friends, (you guys and gals know who you are). I spent some time with some people socializing and I just felt better. But then today I sank low again. I foundered for lots of reasons. I mentioned I'm behind on some things, which include making flashcards for my German, getting things packed and sent home, getting some emails sent out (some of them by weeks), getting classes for the fall lined up (all though, actually, I had to wait a while anyway to see what I'm taking here), and naturally, when I mentioned above.

After school ended, I took the day off from people mostly. I was invited to go grilling, but I needed the me-time. I did end up playing a board game with two friends, and then this girl and her new boyfriend (apparently) and tried to be a good sport, but it was crystal clear to everyone I was distracted, especially when I saw the chemistry between them.

I really do not know why I feel so bad about this. It's not heart-breaking caliber, but getting your thumb slammed in the door still sucks. I don't understand it...We were never advanced in a relationship, and it broke off several months ago, and really there has been very little contact between us ever since. It's gotten better, but still rather limited. Plus I'm going home eventually, so can't really expect something major to develop, unless I'm one of the Few who actually do do something like that. I don't quite understand why this has effected me so.

However, for those of you who ask yourself the same kind of questions, here are some, hopefully, words of wisdom that I've found and will share with you. You *don't* need to understand something to experience it. I don't get why I'm hurting like this, but indeed I am, and that's what it comes down to.

Something else I know, though, as well: This is normal. I write it, believing it is another process, like I mentioned above, but I still have my wits about me. Right now I have been feeling some negative shit, and I haven't been happy, and the thoughts dancing through my skull haven't been including rainbows, but I still have the sense enough to know I'm not crazy, and that this will come to pass. (It better, because if life has shown me anything about this, it'll probably happens a few times again!) I am not a crazy person, or a suicidal person, or anything like that, I'm just a normal dude completely obsessed with languages who's had a fucked up beginning of his second semester in Germany.

Iona told me that I worry too much about stuff. And you're correcto-mundo, my friend. I do, and that's yesterday's news. And I'll admit this to the wide world from my corner of the internet: I admire you for putting up with me as long as you have. From the bottom of my heart I appreciate that. Dylon and Maren, that goes for you, too. I've spilled my guts to you guys talking about somethings I didn't think I'd have the courage to bring up to you, but you've all always took it well, and I am very grateful. These are some of the things I try to be, and I think your examples are inspiring for those who would notice.

To Ily and Maria and Amanda and to everyone else I've turned to this past year (or longer, depending on the person), regarding issues, major or minor, that I've wanted to discuss, I've been most fortunate to find people like you. You are the ones I hold in my heart.

And (especially to you, Iona, I say this) I am trying to play it cool. I just sometimes forget to play it cool. I think it is just my personality to turn nothing into a potential headache...I don't think details like that are always what's wrong with a person, it's just personalities they need to work on, like developing more patience or being less arrogant, or whatever the unique situations might call for. And I'm trying. I don't know how to go about it, but I'm trying to be more easy going about it all.

Sometimes I just don't know who I am. I'm sure a lot of people feel this way though. There's a quote that goes something like "Know who you are, because if you don't, know one else does." Well, iddn't that cute? You *do* need to know who you are, and you *do* need to believe in yourself when know one else does, but I think the people we associate with in our lives tell a lot about who we are. Speaking from my own personal experience, I do need to ask people a lot of questions regarding issues I'm uncertain of. You *need* other people's input sometimes to know that you aren't the only one feeling like such and such a way, and to know if there is something wrong or not. Considering the circumstances, usually there isn't, or at least nothing that can't be handled well and improved to a degree. When I think about that quote, I agree with it in that you have to be your own person, and know who that person is, but it's not a concrete thing, and it's not in a vacuum. Sometimes a second opinion is just what is needed.

One of my major issues is just being more sure of myself. I think this is the big reason why I don't like that quote; because I think it helps to talk to other people; but there is also the point where I just need to believe in myself more. In languages it is quite obvious: I'm much better than I often give myself credit for, but when I get nervous or am tired, or for whatever reason choke on the language I'm speaking instead of use it well, I tend to get overly frustrated and mopey. Yet I know I'm good. I'm not perfect, but I know I have more natural talent than probably a lot of people in the world. (Talent, by the way isn't the end-all, but it helps quite a bit.) And I don't say any of this to brag, but I know this because when I'm doing good, Germans generally can't place my accent...I still sound foreign, but generally they don't guess I'm American. By now I'm reasonably fluent. And the times I've asked other-language speakers to tell me something so I can practice the pronunciation, I'm not always dead-on, but usually better than what foreigners typically say. I'm starting to find out I have more ability in it than I initially thought.

And lack of self-assurance comes through in other area's of my life. Maybe it is because I've tried to keep any arrogance in check, and have gone into over-kill on that...which is also a type of arrogance, actually "Oh, look at me! Woe is me!" Poppycock, I say. But still, I could give myself more of a break on languages, and just on life in general, than I do, and I should. But regardless, having people to talk to are still essential to full life, I think. But how does one give themselves a break? Do we all have that ability to reach down into ourselves, or do we even all have the self-assurance, planted in us like an instinct? Or is it a case where we are a product of our environment, and thus have to learn this self-assurance?

I generally find myself searching for...me I'm still young, but I don't think that's an excuse to not give it some thought. I'm looking for the core qualities about me, and I think I know what those are. But there are somethings I just can't figure out. Everyone wants to barbecue every weekend. I don't (that is to say, not as often as they do, I guess). Some friends want to go swimming ever Wednesday. I don't. They want to play basketball, but I don't. Why do I disagee to all this? Well, basketball, that's easy. I have no sports instinct whatsoever. If I were the shadow of a basketball player, I'd get fired for not being able to keep up. That goes for most sports, too. When I do play them, I occasionally have fun. When I go swimming (if I don't freeze, which I do easily) I have fun. When I grill and all that, I enjoy it as well. So maybe I just don't like the ideas of it....for God knows why. I think sometimes I want the change of scenery, too, so to speak.

This might be why, though. I think it matters with who you are with, and your mood. When I feel obliged to do something or be alone in my room, usually I do the first thing, but not always in the best of spirits. It's perhaps the wrong attitude to have, and actually putting it into writing here is helping me see it from another perspective. But it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I don't want to swim or eat grilled food, or go to a party or whatever.

Sometimes I just want to take the day off. So maybe I'll try to do that more often.

When I start talking about relationships and heartache, and end up talking about grilling, I think it's time to stop. I had no idea it was going to be this long, but anyway, I think I've said quite enough for tonight.

I sincerely hope all is well. And if it isn't here is another favorite quote of mine: "This too shall pass".

Sincerely,
Tristan