Still Goin'

Dear Constant Readers,

Last week was one where I felt a bit overwhelmed with homework, anxieties, angst, just a bit of everything. Things have kind of been rather exhausting for me, enough to have reduced me to tears a couple of times. I took some career consoling to see what might be good for me down the road. It wasn't really a surprise when the tests told me I have a rather narrow field of interests. I've known this my whole life. Nothing on the list of suggested careers really jumped out at me, either, however in the state I've been in for the past couple of weeks, I have a hard time picturing any career jumping out at me saying "Here I am!" Some of my friends seem to be figuring things out. I don't want to compare myself to them, but at the same time, to hear about things falling in place for them, it makes one wonder, "Is my time ever going to come?" I suppose it will, but I have a lot of shit to get together before I can start to figure out what is right for me.

On the other hand, I do have some ideas of what I might like. Archeology or anthropology are interesting to me. Writing is, as well, but not as a profession. So I was a bit stunned when the career test said I would be most suitable as a musician. Aside from wanting to learn the piano, which I am doing, I have really no active interest in music, choreography, composing, or so forth. Not an inkling other than a *nuance* at best of curiosity.

But regardless, the piano is going well for me. It's a beautiful new challenge, and unfortunately I didn't get a good chance to practice today. But I am enjoying working my way through my exercises under the guidance of a music major on campus. She told me I am progressing fast and seem to have natural rhythm; on the other hand my finger posturing needs some work. But this hasn't hindered me from learning "Hickory Dickory Dock" or "Pop! Goes the Weasel". I'm enjoying this change of pace for me, and look forward to more complicated pieces. However, last night I found myself equating language to it as well: learning the grammar of the piano, but in my philosophy, grammar is ultimately as limited as a pile of bones, and so look forward to creating some more complex sounds.

Things are going OK at the apartment, despite the fact that I am sometimes amazed, sometimes frustrated by my roommates' approach to life. The one that I spend the most time with, I admire is lack of stress level, but sometimes think it's too much of a lack. There's too little structure for me; if I lived the way he did I'd go nuts for not having something of a plan to get stuff done instead of a by-the-moment manner.

Off of that, I've started taking my lists more seriously to get stuff done. I find that they are helping me, too. Last weekend I ended up having the apartment to myself, so I got quite a bit of homework done, got the bathroom clean, and went to a movie by myself ("3:10 to Yuma"). I have always disliked going to movies by myself, but I think I can start getting into it more now: It seems that my taste in movies have more than not strayed away from my family's and friends' anyways.

I have also been working out more: Today I ran 9 miles, and I've been doing sets of push-ups, crunches, and leg lifts everyday. However, I don't think my body is used to this, or doesn't want to go at the rate I'm pushing it, because on Saturday I hurt my arm. Consequently I think I'm going to cut back from daily to every other day after my arm stops hurting. It's good to have the mornings to do other things, though. I like working out to wake up, I'm finding, but I'm also using it to do a bit more reading. Earlier this week I finally read "The Lord of the Flies" after years of wanting to read it. I will say it was a well-written book, but I was hoping for more of an adventure story. Currently I'm not sure what to do next. My options are: read another book I've been wanting to for years, namely "King Solomon's Mines", or continue reading a book I've already chosen to read in Esperanto, to further improve my knowledge of the language. I don't feel fluent in it yet, but I think I know basically all I need to know to get there, I just need the practice, now, and I can't find it. I had wanted to see if I could find a group in a nearby town to meet and speak with, but as busy as I've been, that would probably cause me more stress than it's worth. So I'm on my own again, which in some ways is how I prefer it, at least once in a while. My third option is to continue with my Norwegian, and this is what I'm considering, because, as with my Esperanto, I think I can get to a good level just with my grammar book, and from there, it'd just be active practice, not so painful. But the deciding factor will be how much time I have, so it might be a mishmash of all of the above. Hopefully it will be at least some of it. I need a break from the grind of this work I've been doing.

I've been wanting to write more creatively, outside of my blog. I've started putting a few things on paper, hoping that maybe hand-writing will jog my mind a bit.

In the midst of the chaos of confusion in my life, there is something I found that I want to point out: Things always work out in some way. Even I have a hard time believing it, but they do. This universe isn't ours, but we are here regardless, and somehow, if you give things a chance, I think they'll work out. I guess that means to me that there's either a loving God or that the earth is better-made than people give it credit for. Either option I find comforting.

I'm still not feeling it with the notes. Sometimes I write something and think I've really spoken my heart. With the last few entries I haven't felt that. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm listing things too much, instead of pouring my heart out. Maybe some people wouldn't want to hear that anyway. I guess right now there are probably things I just don't want to put out there, at least not until I find out better who I am. Lately I haven't been sure of that. I've somehow/somewhat lost track of who I am and what I believe, and I don't know why.

Hope things are well.

Tristan

Major Major Major Major and a Canoe Trip

Dear Constant Readers,

My favorite time of the year is here now. I love autumn. I don't like being cold, but autumn, much of it at least, doesn't count, because it adds to the atmosphere of everything. The crisp electricity in the air, the starkness of the colors (or the mixing of them, even).

I was sitting on a canoe with autumn arrived in all its glory. Last weekend I went a canoe trip to the Niobrara River, in north-western Nebraska. It's a trip I've made every year here at Wesleyan; a group for International Students and internationally-minded students visits this area for a weekend to get away from classes and to see one of the most beautiful areas of the state.

In the two previous years I've gone, it has always been considerably warm, but this year the cool weather blew in while we were on the water. I was canoing with a girl from Malta, usually it was just her and I on the river, as the others were so far ahead or behind us that we almost never saw them. The wind picked up and the blue sky became plated with steely cold clouds. It was beautiful, but would have been more enjoyable had we been dressed for it. All I had was a T-Shirt and a swimsuit, and Enrique, my friend with me, wasn't doing much better.

But to see the water in that weather, and to see and hear the trees rustling in the autumn breezes, it sounds like a romantic description, that for me that's really what it was. A bit of a romantic escape finally.

And I feel like I can use one. As I've discussed here before, I really do feel I'm in the wrong major. It is discouraging to go to class, knowing this is not what I want to do with my life. My economics course is possibly the one that is bringing me down the most. Giving credit to Economics, it is much more interesting than I had expected. But that doesn't make the course much fun when the professor and I don't jive in terms of how I learn and how she teaches.

As far as German goes: I love German, but I wonder sometimes if linguistics is for me. I like the learning of languages, but breaking them down, sometimes I've wondered. German history certainly is not for me. I'm in a class where it is nothing but lists political parties and dates. So much history, but it's as if processing a most moving novel into binary ones and zeros.

I've been so busy this week that some things have fallen, regrettably by the wayside. Since I've finished reading my book in Esperanto, I really haven't practiced the language since, which is a bad thing. Nor have I made much progress on my Norwegian. Even for class I'm struggling to keep up with things, although that is probably due to a anomalies this week: on Thursday we had a bunch of speakers come to campus, and while some students took that to be a day of vacation or, understandably, a day to catch up on homework, I went to all the speakers out of interest, and the consequence was not getting stuff done completely.

Now, this is not a habit I intend on pursuing, indeed, I think I do have a good work ethic ultimately, but I have also learned that sometimes it's not worth the stress, and I am good at stressing. I didn't get two plays read for class yet, but the world didn't end, and I can work on the others we have coming up.

Regarding my major, I'll finish up best I can, and see what comes next. Majors rarely shape the course of a person's life, but I've spent some much time, energy, and money on this that I think I should have chosen something closer to my heart. On the other hand, I didn't know what that would have been until having been a student for a few years. It might be a case of green grass and fences, but ironically, the major that I wish I had studied was one I was rather quite against when I started school: English.

I keep telling myself things will slow down, and they don't but I think also it's a matter of perspective. I can perhaps make things slow down a bit, by managing my time better, but how much control do I have? Not much. Living is being an artist, in a way. It's about making do with what you have. You may not have much control, but you can still work with what you receive. I don't have much time, and even less desire, to go through my Economics, but I can still make it work. I always have in the past.

Anyway, I wanted to say something. I didn't find the mood to write today, unfortunately, but I think this will suffice for now.

Hope all is well.

Tristan

More Thoughts

Dear Constant Readers,

I've just knocked out the first week of my senior year at Wesleyan. I think I can predict from this week I will be busy, but then again, I was expecting to be. Things have gone quite well thus far, I think. Socially, I really only have one good friend here, Amanda, so when I can I try to spend time with her. I'm becoming far more involved on campus than I ever have been before: a more consistent writer for the campus paper, a job as a tutor (or something like that) a few times a week, and possibly helping with the campus radio as well. So I'm looking forward to seeing what experiences and personalities might come my way.

Though, really, what I want to talk about is how empty, in a way, I've been feeling. Since coming to college, and I guess a little bit before then, but really since arriving here, I've really started to, not so much change what I think, as in change to completely, but to better discover what it is I believe. It's hard to describe, and as I'm a living, thinking being, it's not a static process (and nor is it for anyone else). But there is so much in the world that can't be quantified. I'm taking a course on world religions, and spoke with the professor outside of class for a couple of hours about the point of even studying religion, since it's so varied anyway, sometimes not even really religious in the terms Europeans would recognize it (no ethnocentricism implied: I'm using this example because I'm of European decent, but the inverse can be applied as well), and in most if not all cases, rather individual to at least some level. How can we study something, if it's so vague anyway? To study "something" we first have to agree there is a "something" to study, and yet that "something" I'm finding more and more, cannot be adequately defined, in every sense of the word. With so much overlap and change that happens in religion, language, philosophy, society, etc etc etc, I told my professor it's like trying to put a cookie-cutter in the ocean. And thus began our discussion, which was too long for me to dictate here, but in any case, I was satisfied with it.

I wonder if maybe questions weren't made to be answered, but rather explored. There is no definite end-all answer that I'm aware of. There is truth, but a definite truth, with a big T? A Platonic form? Plato said that there were forms: your lover is beautiful, but so is a sunset, yet they look nothing alike. How can they both be beautiful? Start to understand that, and you start to understand the Form: the base of whatever it is you are examining: beauty, pain, love, or whatever. It's a nice idea, but it's not one we can obtain, and even if we could, I'm not sure (m)any of us would understand it. Yet it lies within us. It maybe can't be explained, just experienced. A musician once said "If you have to ask what Jazz is, you'll never know," or something like that. I have yet to hear a jazz piece that I enjoy, but the same idea applies to just simply knowing something. CS Lewis once said about his conversion from Theism to Christianity that at one moment he wasn't not a Christian, and the next moment he was. It was like a person waking up. You don't know when you wake up, but suddenly you realize you are awake, and no longer asleep. You just know.

I feel somehow I've lost a lot. Of what? Dignity? Self-respect? I've gained a lot of experience, but at a cost. And yet again, who doesn't? And I'm still young, this surely isn't the end of anything for me, both in gaining and losing, provided I have a long, and indeed full life ahead of me. A full life involves all of these things, I think. There are some core values of mine, that while I believe in, things aren't as black and white as they used to be. I agree that there is a right and a wrong, and somethings I won't condone, but on the same hand, I can't judge them either, because I am not a saint. I guess we all have regrets that we live with.

A quote I love says "Character is what you do when you know you can get away with it". Sometimes I think I should reflect on that more, because sometimes I wonder if I'm really on the path to becoming the person I want to be. In friendships and just in life, and in self-esteem to myself I've made some blunders, and I'm not quite sure what to make of them, other than they are things to consider and to learn from.

And yet I've also began to learn how much stock I've put into things people say, instead of thinking for myself. I'm finding out, a bit to my surprise, that a lot of what I believed was either misinterpreted or misrepresented thus becoming something today that probably wasn't what it was intended to mean. I wonder how many writers of the Bible (or perhaps any religious text) would step out of Doc Brown's time machine, look around at what is being taught, slap there forehead, and say "That's not what I meant!" (At this point I would like to say I hope I'm not coming off as a type who is "Bible this, Bible that." I'm quite the contrary, but still these are questions I have.)

I want to find out what "I" believe and think, now. I look at some people who get into serious relationships at my age, and things seem to work out, and then I look at others and thing do anything but. So who's right? Of course, you can't generalize. Every situation is unique. So then again, I have to decide for myself what I believe is right for me. That's what we were supposed to do anyway: think and decide for ourselves.

(Of course, there are other examples too, the above is just one example I chose.)

It's unsettling to see this play out, but really, I look at it with a sense of adventure and wonder, and not so much fear. I do believe in God, that's one thing I can be sure of, and I believe he's (or whatever "gender" God may be) has gotten me through a lot of stuff. I'm not worried, but I am a bit alert. When everything starts to fall down, you become alert.

And is innocence really lost? Or is there other perspectives of looking at it. Everyone has made mistakes, so is anyone really "innocent"? Likely not. Does that make them bad people? I don't think so. Realizing where one has made a mistake is a big part of that, I believe.

And then, maybe I just think too much. The gravity of most situations ends up being rather exaggerated much of the time. I'm better than I used to be at not dwelling on stuff, but there are such things as ghosts, and sometimes they come and haunt you when you aren't expecting it.

I don't really know what else to write about. I've made a few goals for myself. For one, I want to become a big reader again. I've always loved it, but I want to really get into it again, more than I was back when I was in high school and before. I think that would be a better use of my time than dinking around on the computer. Also I'd like to get into better shape. I'm already in decent shape, but not the kind I want to be in. The reading, though, that's the main one. I got through eight chapters of my economics book today, which I felt pretty proud of. I'm not sure how much of it I retained, but it's complicated stuff in the first place, and unless you are an economics genius, one read through just won't cut it.

I'm a little bummed at my roommates' cleaning habits. How hard is it to clean and put your dishes away, especially if you are going to be gone? That's not asking much, is it? I won't be their mommy, and since this isn't just my apartment I can't, and don't want to, boss them around. But it's not just their place, either. I don't know how to talk to them about it. I'm afraid of sounding too lenient, or sounding like too much of an asshole. So far I've tried to be nice about asking, but being nice doesn't always seem to be effective...Sheesh.

There are other things I would like to discuss: for example I had a very interesting chat about a philosophy of language with Amanda, but that in itself would be too long, so I think I'll end it here.

Ultimately what I've tried to write in this post is too complicated to be conveyed satisfactorily by me at the moment, so I'm not sure how it will be read.

Hope all is well.

Tristan