Ugh Venting

Dear Constant Readers,

The transition to adulthood can be from time to time stressful and scary. I would say "is" but it's not always like that.

But right now I certainly feel beaten down. It really seems like it's hard to get ahead in life sometimes. I just figured out to a comfortable level what it means to be an adolescent, and already I'm stepping into the adult world, and once again I feel unprepared and very vulnerable. Stressed and anxious, and full of questions. I feel at the moment so scared at somethings I don't have time to enjoy the wonder of it all. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I just got done looking through a book with a couple of pages about archeology and contact information concerning where I can gain experience. I don't know if that's the path I want. I know so little about it. But I know so little about practically everything.

And besides that, besides looking up information for archeology experience, I'm still working on gathering research for two projects, two of my final projects this semester. Once I get rolling, and I have already started with one of them, things tend to move quickly for me. But on top of that, I have to submit my proposals for my final papers for my two majors, and start researching that probably over Christmas Break. Not to mention my Peace Corps application, which is nearing completion, but still hangs over me. I decided to jet the JET program for now. I'll think about going to Japan in a few years, but right now I just didn't feel up to it.

My energy is sapped, and I need this semester to be over. I'm tired, and in mostly good spirits, but feeling overall frazzled. I really want a hug, actually. I just don't feel at rest right now, and I don't know where or who to go to. My God, I've learned so much about myself this year, and surprisingly good things, but there are still obstacles out there that try to trip me up (take that how you will), and sometimes it feels like everyday is a battle.

So this is a short note, but I needed to get this out of me.

Hope all is well,
Tristan

More Thoughts From This Side

Dear Constant Readers,

The last couple of weeks I haven't written mainly because I haven't been sure what to say. There were a couple of times I felt I wanted to say something, but didn't know if I really should, or how it would sound. Which is really a silly thought. We as individuals should be free to express ourselves and how we think, and if other people don't like us being ourselves, than that is not our problem, or so I understand it.

I was thinking about writing more about religion, actually. Even though there are other things I'd like to talk about it, in my life somehow it affects much of what I do and who I am and how I try to live. The fact is, the topic is so broad, that in fact many people follow probably something of a religion, even if it is not recognized as much. I may have said already in an earlier entry that I think sports is a religion in many senses of the word, in that it has a large following, loyalty for teams unite and divide perfect strangers, people follow their teams "religiously" (no pun intended, but that term was coined for a good reason) and so forth.

Anyway, the point is is that many of us have something of religion in our life, but I'm already writing a post I didn't really want to write. In all honesty I wanted to turn the lens around and look at things around me, but in truth when I did, I saw more elements of religion, or at least spirituality, or at least faith, or at least trust in something, or at least acceptance of something, or at least some philosophical question. The other night I was having a very late dinner with a friend and she told me about how life sometimes gets so complicated, and if only things were just different somehow. And why do loved ones have to suffer alone and wonder why things are so confused and frightening, and why to good people this all happens.

These are human questions, and they need to be asked. I felt a bit empty when she asked them...I know she wasn't asking me, or even really asking, but at the same time, by observing them, I think there were questions there. I didn't have any answers. There's the old cliches about how it's all for the best, or everything in some great plan or whatever, and while I believe in master plans and am a fatalist of sorts, those are small comforts. The beach and towel surely exist and are warm and comforting, but when you are in the cold lake, it doesn't help much.

This is just how things go, and it's something everyone experiences. I think in some of our moments where we feel most lonely, we'd be surprised to see how not alone we are, in that so many others feel the same way. So why is this?

And these are questions beyond me, and no answer really answers them. They have to be learned and experienced. I guess that's part of being human.

I just read a book I initially had so little interest in reading the first time it was recommended to me I promptly forgot about it, to be perfectly blunt. It's called "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, and it talks about the male heart and soul from a Christian perspective. The reason I didn't pay much attention the first time around was simply because I figured it would be a rather shameless self-help book, not too insightful, and basically have the feel of TV evangelism. But while going through a hard time my friend suggested again I read it (she had never read it, but had read the version for women called "Captivating," which is equally good). So I picked it up and much to my surprise it has been one of the best books I've read. I literally could not put it down. Although I felt at first it was going to be a bit sexist, I found it to be quite down-to-earth, accurate of how I felt about a lot of things, and for a Christian book, surprisingly non-preachy, which probably would have kept me away the most. In fact, it viewed Christianity not so much as a religion (the author even mentioned problems with the Church as it is these days), but as a way of life. I'm not trying to plug the book on my blog, but I do recommend it to anyone, not as a source of spoon-feed or trick anyone into reading a religion book, but simply because I found the book quite moving and insightful, and think others might, as well.

In any case, I have found myself to be at a much more relaxed state. I've gotten over my fear of our bathtub in the apartment (something about soaking in it initially weirded me out) and have been generally in a much more peaceful state.

Not to say there are not anxieties. I've been trying to put together a college schedule for next semester, and it's proving to be a challenge to get some of the classes I wanted. For example, I wanted to take some art classes, which I never have, and it appears now I won't get a chance to do that. I feel burned out on my majors, and really don't know where I want to go with my life. I'm looking into some options to do after I graduate, but there is lots of uncertainty in my life right now, and while I don't lose sleep over it, I do feel I am in some kind of limbo.

But I've learned a couple of lessons over the years. College has been by far my most educational time of my life, and I'm sure it's no coincidence that it's also been the most challenging, scariest, and confusing time so far in my life. And it's about to end, which actually makes me feel like I'm going on a spacewalk. But one thing I've learned that gives me some solace is simply to be responsible with what is given to you, and the rest will work itself out. People stress a lot, but the world actually works out if you let it. Sounds weird, but the world is a lot better made than I've heard it given credit for. I think a lot of stress comes from people trying to control things they really cannot control, or were made to control, in the first place. We have this illusion before us that we have power, can control our careers, and so forth, but we really can't. We can choose a path, and just meet it little at a time. Just because you choose a path doesn't mean you have any control whatsoever if there is a boulder in the way around the bend, or if it starts to rain, or who else you might meet on it.

So anyway, that's what I have to say.

Hope all is well, and if it applies to you, in case I don't write again in time, have a happy Thanksgiving!

Tristan