Without Title
Dear Constant Readers,
It's time I caught you up. Sorry I've been behind if you've been waiting, but most of this past week has been nightmarish, for want of a more fiendish word. I will not go into major details about the week itself, but I'll tell you some things that I've learned from it. But my friends, weeks like what I had last week are the reason why they don't invent time machines. By the end of it, however, from Friday on, things finally did start looking up, and now that I've gotten the upper hand, I'm fighting like a son of a bitch to keep it. To those who I've spoken with, thank God for you. You know who you are.
So, to those of you who have been waiting, namely, Iona and Judith, and probably my family, and I don't know who else, here it is, now that I have the energy to write it.
First off, I was visiting some people in a small town near Duisburg, Germany, and this was good. This does *NOT* fall into the category of what I described above, so Judith, have no fear, I had a great time with you guys. :-)
This trip was special for me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, a fairly minor, but interesting detail to me nonetheless, in that it was the first time I'd ever personally met someone I'd just met over the internet. Her and I met in the language blog I discussed a while back, and so obviously our common interest in languages and linguistics.
However, getting to know her personally was also a very good thing, and I hope a good way to solidify our friendship. Friendships are tricky things. The are very organic and fragile. You cannot force them; they either happen or they don't. But you need to tend to them and respect them.
The other reason why it was important for me was because the first time in 7 years or so of dabbling with Esperanto that I finally got to meet other speakers of the language. Meeting Judith and Chuck kind of opened my eyes to how the language really is alive, something I'm still getting used to. A lot of people have looked down on the language, and when people ask how many language I can speak (which, by the way, is not a simple question like many people believe) I usually avoid mentioning Esperanto because A) I have gotten tired of explaining it, and B) after explaining it, I have gotten tired of defending it. I don't agree with all of Esperanto's politics about being a universal second language, for example, but I really don't care. Learning a language is a personal choice, and a language learner should no more have to defend why they are learning any language, but it Chinese, be it Klingon, be it Toki Pona, be it Ebonics, and they should have to defend what they read for fun, why they like Ferraris and not Mustang Convertibles, why they do anything as long as it brings no one any harm. That's part of what makes life beautiful.
I guess I don't know if I'll get very active in the Esperanto community, but I'd like to take part in some of it. One of the things I've wanted to do since starting to learn the language is take part in convention, and hopefully I'll still have some chances for that in the future.
It was a short weekend, but it was fun. We also got to go to a Roman festival, where we saw re-enactments of Roman military formations, complete with crowd-charging action, eat Roman-style cooking (I had a cooked, dripping, juicy, brown bunny, and I do not apologize), and attend some unsynchronized Gladiator fighting in a reconstructed Roman arena. The next day we just took it easy, went to a flea market and I got to try some Thai food for the first time. Actually, despite Judith's claims, Thai didn't taste all that dissimilar from Chinese, but I only have had one plate of Thai, so my opinion is not the most qualified.
The trips there and back were uneventful, and further removed my fear of the German trains. The last time I had to do them by myself (not including Berlin) was when I got here about 9 months ago, and that was not a fun experience, if you recall what I said. It's really remarkable how much they've simplified the system since I've gotten here...
And from that moment on, things kinda went downhill. Quickly.
For several years I suffered from depression and survived it. I would never wish it on anyone. And unless I have to, I usually don't talk about it, and then usually only in small words. I don't want to dwell on that and risk it coming back.
This week, though, things happened again to bring all that I've fought for to the brink of loss again, and I'm not going to talk about it for the same reason.
Through those years of dark Hell, I learned to be an optimist, and I've never lost that outlook. And I'm determined not to, because in the end, that may be almost all I have.
I know a couple of people who seem to be very relaxed in their skin, and I think that is something that doesn't happen over night. Getting in touch with yourself is an art, and it's hard, hard, hard road. But I've set out on becoming the best person I can be, and since I've set out on that road, things have gotten sometimes hard for me. I believe in attacks on the mind and on the spirit, and in forces that wish people to be miserable (call it what you want: Satan, evil, chemical imbalance, I could care less, but I know what I believe). I believe in science and medicine, but I also believe in maintaining a healthy spirit; I am no agnostic on that subject. A body is like a mirror. Beautiful and can be maintained, but even a spotless mirror can reflect nightmares in its looking-glass. Maintain a healthy spirit, and it will be reflected back for others to see. Maintain a poor spirit, and even the shiniest, most spotless mirror can be disturbing.
Now, I realize that I will always have flaws, the best of us do. And so, that must be OK. After all, that is who we are. Flaws, are OK, not learning from them, or always giving in to them is not OK. That's the difference, I think. I sometimes lose my patience, but then I learn from it and try to be more patient next time. I have a big fucking mouth and I need to tell myself to either shut the hell up and be discreet or learn to like the taste of my own foot. None of this happens over night.
But I have been doing a lot of reflecting, doing a fair amount of praying, and a lot of talking to people I trust, and have come to the conclusion that I'm doing a pretty good job, despite what whatever evil out there would confuse me to think, and to destroy all I've fought for. It's been a hard and scary road, and things probably aren't over yet, but in the last couple of days I've finally started to break through again to fresh air after choking on battle smoke.
Actually much of these week was liking walking through a haze anyway. I don't remember hardly any of it, and couldn't really keep days straight. It just kinda happened, like a storm that in afternoon and blots out the sun; it doesn't matter if it's 3 PM or 9 PM, it's dark and violent indiscriminately.
But things are better, and I'm going to change the subject. I will offer one piece of hopeful comfort to anyone who is suffering something like this though: IT WILL PASS. The world won't end, and don't give up. Fight the good fight, and you have to win it, and it will be hard, but it will be worth it, and don't fight it alone. Do NOT fight it alone. If that means getting whatever God you believe in on your side, or getting family, friends, whoever, don't fight alone. People can take abuse, naturally to a point, but we're tough, nonetheless. People are like ocean side rocks that can grow, unlike real rocks: The difficulties of life wash over us and break us down, and then we grow again, get broken down again, sometimes a little, and sometimes a lot. But the waves can't stop us from growing, and then one day we break through high enough, and by God, we are an island. Hell, we are a chain of islands, indeed: All with our own waves washing over us, trying to break us down, and they do sometimes. It's hard and it's painful and it's not fair. But like in nature, it also shapes who we become. And inside of us there is a beauty, an oasis, and inside while we all stand independent, with our own problems and our own beauty, we are all connected, like a chain of islands.
Ok, I've talked about that as long as I want to talk about it. I went on some carnival rides in Trier this weekend past. I love rides, and I went on this one that moves so violently that it would make an earthquake ill. I went on it three times. And I thank God I don't get motion sick. I decided to put that to the test by eating a bowl of cooked mushrooms in garlic sauce, slopped up with a piece of bread. :-D After that, there were bumper cars and then another ride that picked you up and dropped you in a counter and then counter clockwise motion. I don't know what it was called, but Paul, who went with me every time but once, thought it was brilliant (in this context, British for hilarious) when I suggested they should invent a ride called "The Malfunction". I really think that'd be a splash!
So there's a lighter paragraph to end things on. I hope all is well, and I need to get away from this note now. I've survived this week once, and that was plenty for me.
Hope all is well!
Sincerely,
Tristan
It's time I caught you up. Sorry I've been behind if you've been waiting, but most of this past week has been nightmarish, for want of a more fiendish word. I will not go into major details about the week itself, but I'll tell you some things that I've learned from it. But my friends, weeks like what I had last week are the reason why they don't invent time machines. By the end of it, however, from Friday on, things finally did start looking up, and now that I've gotten the upper hand, I'm fighting like a son of a bitch to keep it. To those who I've spoken with, thank God for you. You know who you are.
So, to those of you who have been waiting, namely, Iona and Judith, and probably my family, and I don't know who else, here it is, now that I have the energy to write it.
First off, I was visiting some people in a small town near Duisburg, Germany, and this was good. This does *NOT* fall into the category of what I described above, so Judith, have no fear, I had a great time with you guys. :-)
This trip was special for me for a couple of reasons. For one thing, a fairly minor, but interesting detail to me nonetheless, in that it was the first time I'd ever personally met someone I'd just met over the internet. Her and I met in the language blog I discussed a while back, and so obviously our common interest in languages and linguistics.
However, getting to know her personally was also a very good thing, and I hope a good way to solidify our friendship. Friendships are tricky things. The are very organic and fragile. You cannot force them; they either happen or they don't. But you need to tend to them and respect them.
The other reason why it was important for me was because the first time in 7 years or so of dabbling with Esperanto that I finally got to meet other speakers of the language. Meeting Judith and Chuck kind of opened my eyes to how the language really is alive, something I'm still getting used to. A lot of people have looked down on the language, and when people ask how many language I can speak (which, by the way, is not a simple question like many people believe) I usually avoid mentioning Esperanto because A) I have gotten tired of explaining it, and B) after explaining it, I have gotten tired of defending it. I don't agree with all of Esperanto's politics about being a universal second language, for example, but I really don't care. Learning a language is a personal choice, and a language learner should no more have to defend why they are learning any language, but it Chinese, be it Klingon, be it Toki Pona, be it Ebonics, and they should have to defend what they read for fun, why they like Ferraris and not Mustang Convertibles, why they do anything as long as it brings no one any harm. That's part of what makes life beautiful.
I guess I don't know if I'll get very active in the Esperanto community, but I'd like to take part in some of it. One of the things I've wanted to do since starting to learn the language is take part in convention, and hopefully I'll still have some chances for that in the future.
It was a short weekend, but it was fun. We also got to go to a Roman festival, where we saw re-enactments of Roman military formations, complete with crowd-charging action, eat Roman-style cooking (I had a cooked, dripping, juicy, brown bunny, and I do not apologize), and attend some unsynchronized Gladiator fighting in a reconstructed Roman arena. The next day we just took it easy, went to a flea market and I got to try some Thai food for the first time. Actually, despite Judith's claims, Thai didn't taste all that dissimilar from Chinese, but I only have had one plate of Thai, so my opinion is not the most qualified.
The trips there and back were uneventful, and further removed my fear of the German trains. The last time I had to do them by myself (not including Berlin) was when I got here about 9 months ago, and that was not a fun experience, if you recall what I said. It's really remarkable how much they've simplified the system since I've gotten here...
And from that moment on, things kinda went downhill. Quickly.
For several years I suffered from depression and survived it. I would never wish it on anyone. And unless I have to, I usually don't talk about it, and then usually only in small words. I don't want to dwell on that and risk it coming back.
This week, though, things happened again to bring all that I've fought for to the brink of loss again, and I'm not going to talk about it for the same reason.
Through those years of dark Hell, I learned to be an optimist, and I've never lost that outlook. And I'm determined not to, because in the end, that may be almost all I have.
I know a couple of people who seem to be very relaxed in their skin, and I think that is something that doesn't happen over night. Getting in touch with yourself is an art, and it's hard, hard, hard road. But I've set out on becoming the best person I can be, and since I've set out on that road, things have gotten sometimes hard for me. I believe in attacks on the mind and on the spirit, and in forces that wish people to be miserable (call it what you want: Satan, evil, chemical imbalance, I could care less, but I know what I believe). I believe in science and medicine, but I also believe in maintaining a healthy spirit; I am no agnostic on that subject. A body is like a mirror. Beautiful and can be maintained, but even a spotless mirror can reflect nightmares in its looking-glass. Maintain a healthy spirit, and it will be reflected back for others to see. Maintain a poor spirit, and even the shiniest, most spotless mirror can be disturbing.
Now, I realize that I will always have flaws, the best of us do. And so, that must be OK. After all, that is who we are. Flaws, are OK, not learning from them, or always giving in to them is not OK. That's the difference, I think. I sometimes lose my patience, but then I learn from it and try to be more patient next time. I have a big fucking mouth and I need to tell myself to either shut the hell up and be discreet or learn to like the taste of my own foot. None of this happens over night.
But I have been doing a lot of reflecting, doing a fair amount of praying, and a lot of talking to people I trust, and have come to the conclusion that I'm doing a pretty good job, despite what whatever evil out there would confuse me to think, and to destroy all I've fought for. It's been a hard and scary road, and things probably aren't over yet, but in the last couple of days I've finally started to break through again to fresh air after choking on battle smoke.
Actually much of these week was liking walking through a haze anyway. I don't remember hardly any of it, and couldn't really keep days straight. It just kinda happened, like a storm that in afternoon and blots out the sun; it doesn't matter if it's 3 PM or 9 PM, it's dark and violent indiscriminately.
But things are better, and I'm going to change the subject. I will offer one piece of hopeful comfort to anyone who is suffering something like this though: IT WILL PASS. The world won't end, and don't give up. Fight the good fight, and you have to win it, and it will be hard, but it will be worth it, and don't fight it alone. Do NOT fight it alone. If that means getting whatever God you believe in on your side, or getting family, friends, whoever, don't fight alone. People can take abuse, naturally to a point, but we're tough, nonetheless. People are like ocean side rocks that can grow, unlike real rocks: The difficulties of life wash over us and break us down, and then we grow again, get broken down again, sometimes a little, and sometimes a lot. But the waves can't stop us from growing, and then one day we break through high enough, and by God, we are an island. Hell, we are a chain of islands, indeed: All with our own waves washing over us, trying to break us down, and they do sometimes. It's hard and it's painful and it's not fair. But like in nature, it also shapes who we become. And inside of us there is a beauty, an oasis, and inside while we all stand independent, with our own problems and our own beauty, we are all connected, like a chain of islands.
Ok, I've talked about that as long as I want to talk about it. I went on some carnival rides in Trier this weekend past. I love rides, and I went on this one that moves so violently that it would make an earthquake ill. I went on it three times. And I thank God I don't get motion sick. I decided to put that to the test by eating a bowl of cooked mushrooms in garlic sauce, slopped up with a piece of bread. :-D After that, there were bumper cars and then another ride that picked you up and dropped you in a counter and then counter clockwise motion. I don't know what it was called, but Paul, who went with me every time but once, thought it was brilliant (in this context, British for hilarious) when I suggested they should invent a ride called "The Malfunction". I really think that'd be a splash!
So there's a lighter paragraph to end things on. I hope all is well, and I need to get away from this note now. I've survived this week once, and that was plenty for me.
Hope all is well!
Sincerely,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 3:35 PM
1 Comments:
Good post, man...yes I can relate.
The rides! I can't believe that you ate some stuff before you went on the ride. That is crazy! I don't really like rides that much, but I do like to eat. I will stick with that. Later, man.
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