Observations

Dear Constant Readers,

I've given a lot of thought to what I thought I'd write about this week, but after giving it a test-go in my personal diary, I decided that this time even that would be too much for me to write about in this blog, which perhaps some of you already find too open. Sometimes I wonder, myself. Putting it all out there is therapeutic for me, and the Internet generally is helpful: When I write in my personal diary, no one has to hear my thoughts. Here, though, I know people can read them if they want, and I know some people do read them. And what's more, I can be fairly anonymous, saying what I want about my feelings and my observations of the world. I try to be down to earth, and I try to be honest, but sometimes this distance is really helpful, nevertheless.

The majority of last week actually, I was fairly depressed. I seem to go through cycles of this, truth be told, usually resulting from some fear about what I'm going to do with my life, and I suppose that kind of anxiety is normal for people my age.

But this was different. This was triggered by some stupid sarcastic comment that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but like a sliver, it was small and still packed a wallop. I am a sarcastic person myself, but sometimes the shoe on the other food hurts when it feels like I'm being made out to look like the butt of a joke. Anyway, that was just the tip of the iceberg. This week I've been facing a nemesis of my life that's haunted me for several years. And I'm not going to go into specifics or details at all, mostly because, believe it or not, even I'm not too comfortable bearing my whole damn heart in this blog, and besides, I'm not sure how to go into the details anyway without stumbling around.

Basically though I've been facing the problem of jealousy this week. As I've told a few people already, this is the one thing about myself I think I'd change if I could. I wrote a few pages' worth in my diary the other night about this, entitled "A Misery Observed" after CS Lewis' book "A Grief Observed". Lewis lost his wife to cancer and writing about his pain from it in this book helped him cope. Likewise, I thought this would help me, writing about it. And perhaps it can help someone else, too.

I think jealous people want to be jealous about as much as terminal ill people want to be ill. The hell of jealousy is that is is the most effective way to rob yourself of everything you care about. It's like a black hole that sucks everything beyond reach, and it feels like a big black hole in you, as well, because something is missing.

This is something I haven't been able to figure out about myself. Maybe it goes back to feeling left out when I was little in grade school. Even as a young kid I preferred sitting on the swing set rather than sports (I still don't like sports that much) but there were still times I tried to be accepted. By some people I was, I wasn't without friends, but I never felt like I fit in very well. I have almost always felt on the fringe of everyone else, observing things. When speaking with Dylon about this, I realized, however, that I could be looking at situations about this incorrectly. Instead of looking at people and feeling left out (regardless of whether or not I'm actually being excluded, usually I'm probably not, but it still feels that way) I may be actually thinking about it invertedly. By not fitting in, I do fit in. In a way, I could be "the missing piece" for want of a better word. Dylon compared it to a color-wheel. Red and Yellow go fine together, but without Blue, the wheel just wouldn't work.

But still, it's frustrating to see things not go according to how I wanted them to. That's also, of course, the natural course of things, and as I'm not the best planner, it's often probably a fortunate occurrence, as well. But we live in this world where so many people try to plan out their lives down to little details, and then something comes along and shakes them up. I'm not like exactly like that, but I do get over-protective sometimes when I feel something shaking my little world. I think this is part of the reason I wanted to go out into the world like this, as an exchange student, but the catch is, to overcome these feelings, one has to face them, and that really isn't easy. I know I'll always have flaws, just like everyone else. But I also know I'm capable of self-improvement. I've already done it to become patient, which I used to be sorely lacking on. I used to have a short fuse and fly off the handle, and all that, but I've overcome it through willpower, prayer, and driving in Lincoln (I hate cities, dontchaknow). Come to think of it, I do have my share of stories where my teeny Toyota has been the bane of my existence, like the time it completely died on me at a stoplight in the middle of rush-hour traffic.

The point is, I've resolved to become a better person about this, and get a better control over these feelings that make me feel so miserable. It's not easy. The other night I made this resolution, only to suddenly fall into it again. But then I guess you have to think to yourself, "Step 2: Repeat Step 1 until you achieve a result." I'm not sure how to go about doing it, but it doesn't matter, ultimately, cuz one way or the other, I need to get it mastered, before it poisons any of my other relationships.

Anyway, enough of that. That wasn't very cheery, was it? I hope it was optimistic in the end, though. People are stronger than they think, it's really amazing.

There were a few other, lighter things, I wanted to write about. One is just things I miss about home, stuff that I've been meaning to list. It's kind of a departure from my usual style, but oh well, right? Of course, there are my friends and family. But after that:

Jaywalking.
Good Pizza Hut (Germany's doesn't do it for me).
Drinks the size of Rhode Island and free refills to top it off.
Air conditioning in my room.
Carpet.
Taco Johns.
Double Bacon Cheeseburgers with no blasted pickles, from McDonalds.
Chalupas.
My dog.
All my books.
The openness of an American lawn; I doubt Germany lacks there, but where I live I haven't seen it.
Not having to rely on my own cooking all the time; I've actually started to eat out more just because I'm tired of shopping and cooking.
Movies in English.
Sticking my hand out of a rolled-down car window.
My old cellphone.

The list isn't comprehensive, but those are a few things I miss the most. Some things, now, about Germany that drive me a little crazy. Some of it is just the opposite of above, so I won't list those, but anyway, here's a few things:

Having to cook with backing paper under my pizza (OK, not really Germany, but more the people I live with).
The same people freaking out when I fill the electric hot water kettle up with more water than would fit in my mug ("You're wasting energy, you don't need all that!" I don't need all that water, but I'd rather error on the side of heating too much than not heating enough. Besides, it's just a kettle.)
Lectures (Vorlesungs)
Having to pack my things up (Again, not really Germany's fault, just what happens when you move.)
Everyone always being busy to do stuff. There's not really any escaping this sometimes, but a frustrating is a frustration right? Sometimes I'm the one who's too busy to do stuff, so what goes around, comes around.

Actually, I'm having a hard time thinking of things to complain about. And I take that as a good sign. I really have enjoyed my time here, and I think I've also developed a lot as a person. I've made some good friends, have learned another language fluently, have learned another culture, have NOT learned its trains, though, although who cares, I guess. Regarding the language, I think it will vastly improve when I get home, actually. There are times I still have a hard time with people here, but actually, for me, getting out of it for a while and letting things settle in my brain seem to help. And maybe some people are just hard for me to understand. :-)

Anyway, I'm going to end it here. This isn't really the entry that I had planned, but I wasn't sure how to go about it anyway, after such a bizarre week for me. In any case, I hope you liked it, and I hope all is well!

Yours,
Tristan