A Month Here (Originally written Oct. 26)

Dear Constant Readers,

I had wanted to write on Tuesday, which I think is the regular day I write (for no good reason) but it kept getting put off again and again, but here it is finally. All in all it it's a bit convienient that I write today, because today is officially the month-long milestone for me.

I've recieved a few requests to put this blog on a public website. I will do this. I haven't gotten around to it yet, but I will do this, probably on blogspot, or whatever it's called. But essentially, for those of you, who like me, perfer Facebook, it will be the exact same messages, so no need for you to read both, unless I make a notification that the messages differ.

Also, I get a number of messages from people who ask me how life is here, and I appreciate the asking, and generally I have directed them here. But it occured to me that perhaps I haven't mentioned something that someone might be curious about, or have only touched upon it. So of course if this is the case, please write me, and I will respond. Feel free to ask me absolutely anything you wish. I'll try me best to provide with answers.

So now onwards with the message....

The theme of this past week is social life. All my life I've been more of a loner, and I don't find anything essentially wrong with this, actually. I do believe interaction with others to be very important, but everyone needs personal time, too, and some need much more than others.

I don't know where to place myself in the world. I go out with my friends and try to have a good time, but it's not always to be. There are many things to consider: lousy party, expensive drinks, or whatever the case may be that put a damper on things. But I'm a bit torn because so many people here seem interested in going to parties, whereas I usually don't have the slightest interest whatsoever, but end up going because it's better than spending the evening alone in my room. For a long time I feared I was only a social misfit, but gradually, and recently, I've discovered this is not the case, because I've tried my best to find alternatives to going out partying, and often it's when I can find no one else free that I end up going. So I am in fact trying to be social. And sometimes I actually do have a good time at these things. I enjoy a gathering of friends (an example that some of you might be familiar with includes birthday parties or parties at Mitch's place). Dance clubs that thump late into the tobacco-stained night though drive me away 90% of the time. I will say that they play music that suits me though, which I think is a bit ironic.

I've been going out in smaller groups and have had fun, but don't feel quite "in" with them. Maybe it's my fault, or perhaps it's just the way group dynamics work. I'm treated cordially and kindly in the this group here, and try my best to be considerate in return. I feel closer to the people on an individual basis, but in a group I feel a bit more...walled out? I don't know. Maybe somewhere in my life I built invisible walls that have ultimately backfired. It feels like something is amiss.

Why did I come to Germany, then, if I knew there would be many people out there who felt this way, rather opposite of me? Because for one thing, I know the whole world isn't like that, and there are people who feel how I do. For another thing, I can't let my perceptions of the world limit me. I have to go out and expand them, and to do that you must put yourself in situations that are sometimes uncomfortable. But the payoff of what you learn about the world, and more, about yourself, I think is usually worth the trouble and sometimes pain.

I've been alarmed, however, at finding even a smaller number of people who feel the same way I do about this. It seems that in our culture, if you are young, your weekends are supposed to be a bit wild. For those of us who feel differently, there are no instructions about how you should do it. No one has ever made a movie about a quiet evening. We are left on our own to figure these things out for ourselves.

So to those who do feel the same way, how do you do it? What do you do instead to pass the time when everyone else is prettying themselves up for a night on the town when you don't have the spirit for it? Maybe my best friend would just be some more self-confidence, but some ideas of how to spend the time would be nice, too.

I ultimately didn't go to Cologne (Koeln), partially, or maybe mainly, for the aforementioned reasons. My friend Dylon said that he was planning on going back anyway for a soccer game, and said that I could tag along. Going in a smaller group with someone I know much better sounded more appealing to me. Perhaps I missed a good opportunity to get to know them better. Opportunities come and go though. I'll miss more. Ultimately, though, a wise person once said, it's not about how many you miss, but how many you catch, and I think I need to get my priorities straight and think about that, because I'm not letting everything get by either. But I get paranoid and feel that I'm wasting my time here when I want to do something but don't seize it...Like for example do I take the class on Archaeology of the Cathedral, which frankly sounds really interesting to me, or do I take the lecture about European economics, which, important as it is, I couldn't give a whiff about? My major asks that I take the latter, and even though I don't really know if I care for my major more, I'm probably going to end up taking the economics course to get it out of the way here and now, and hopefully next semester something will still be along that suits my heart a little better.

I think I need to find my own niche of people here. I am still looking for it. I've enjoyed going bowling with the friends here, or attempting with moderate success to make dinner with them, or whatever. I will continue to do these things, of course. On an individual basis, particularly with Dylon, I'm comfortable. But they have a group established, and I'm looking for something of one, too. I like the beach fine, but I'm no island.

I would like to say that when I write these, they usually sound pessimistic to me. I don't think I am a pessimist. But it bothers me, because I wonder when I write why it seems like I always write downers. Does it sound more balanced to anyone else, or does it sound like I'm just bitching? I find it curious: I spend a lot of my time feeling content, or nervous, or scared or frustrated, or just outwright confused. Usually all in day. I haven't found that happy medium...and maybe most of us haven't. A lot of my nervousness is currently rooted in getting classes lined up. The lectures aren't exciting, and I'm wondering if I should take these classes that are critical to my major, or more ones that are interesting to me, like in the situation I mentioned above. Ultimately, I suppose, my time in Germany, indeed, life in general, will not be determined so much if I took an interesting class or not (couldn't hurt, though). On the flip side, I have two semesters: So I could get some more fun ones in next time around.

Hope this finds you all well.

Another Note in Germany (Originally written Oct. 17)

Dear Constant Readers,

It is I believe the third week gone by now. I'm starting to lose count, actually. But I figured now would be a good time to write again.

Things have gone better now. A word about traveling, to any of you who may be thinking about going somewhere long term. Supposedly, there's this "honeymoon" phase where you first arrive and everything is super-excellent before reality sets in. It could be that I have different expectaions about what should constitute as a "honeymoon phase", but they seem to skip me. I more tend to observe things, and consequently many times I feel removed. I wonder, though, if this is a common feeling among people in new situations. More than who would admit it. Being an exchange student is one of the most challenging things a young person can undertake, I think. I don't mean that to sound lofty, or brash, and considering all the things that can happen to a person in life, this might seem like small fries. But point is, people usually tell you about the glamour of living in another culture, and if you are like me, it enamours you. Now that is a good thing, methinks. But there is also much that is difficult, albeit very worth it, that you often don't hear about. I think that's what I'm trying to convey. Life here is good. So far I've been most fortunate to live in France (for a month visiting a friend, if you count that as "living"), Mexico for a year, and now Germany, not to mention the USA and a quick trip to central America last Christmas. And out of all the places I've visited, Germany has been the only one (aside from the USA) where I could perhaps see myself living someday on a more permanent basis. I need to be careful, of course, as it's not yet a month here for me, and naturally my opinion is quite subject to change. In any case, I don't have to worry about making such decisions now.

A small success with my language-learning. Earlier last week a student at my university asked for directions to a building. I said I didn't know, and that I was new, to which he answered he was as well. As we were speaking in German, and I couldn't tell if he was German or an exchange student, I asked him where was from. He told me someplace near Dusseldorf, I believe, and then asked me "What about you? Are you from around here?" Quite a compliment, I think. He was surprised when I told him that I was from Nebraska. As it was a very simple conversation, which standard direct answers, I didn't have a problem, really. In a longer narration I make mistakes and lack words and stumble left and right. But a small victory is still a victory.

I'm very frustrated about my Global Studies major, such to the point that I'm wondering how badly I want to persue it anymore. It doesn't feel right at all, and I'm interested in classes concerning linguistics and archaeology. It's the closest thing I'll ever get to traveling back in time, which I'd love to do. I've stressed about classes, although at least now I have them selected...too many in fact, more than half of them will certainly have to be dropped before the next few weeks are up. I want to take classes that I can't take at NWU, but I also need to take classes for my major, which frankly don't sound remarkably interesting to me, but it could be that I'm being quite unfair about them.

On Saturday half of the exchange students went to Bonn (last weekend, if you recall, our half went to Cochem and another place on the Mosel, where I took some pictures). I had heard Bonn was boring, and I was being optomistic. But it kind of was. The museum was OK, but I felt that if you see one German city, you've seen them all. Not necessarily true, of course, but one town center looks remarkably similiar to all the others. I have a dislike of tourism, because it feels so cheap and artificial, although when I'm walking around like that it's hard to say I'm not being a tourist myself. Still, I would like to go back and have another look myself for things that I didn't see the first time around. For example, Beethoven's house is in Bonn. I didn't know that until right as we were leaving.

On Sunday I finally had the chance to sleep in, although by 9 I couldn't sleep anymore. I went to the Dom (Cathedral) and sat in a quiet room reserved only for prayer for a while, and about broke down crying. I try to keep my views about religion fairly quiet, something I've started learning since coming to college, but I've always felt prayer to be an important aspect of life, whatever form prayer might be. I read once that the Lakota considered crying as one of the strongest forms of prayer, because it meant the person was genuinely speaking from the heart. I felt overwhelmed by culture, by classes, not so much by friends, but by confusion of drama and so on and so forth. I'm not as secure as I'd want to be, and I am easily affected by things. Still I try not to let that intimidate me. I don't have thick skin, although I've learned to wear something of a mask...and I've learned to accept that. People have told me that I need to develop thicker skin, but I don't know if I can. I think the more experiences I have, the more confident I will be in myself, but at the same time, it's hard not to stumble.

Anyway, I didn't cry. I wasn't all that sad, I was just needing to blow up steam that has been building up since I've arrived. It has surprised me that I haven't actually cried yet, normally I would have by now. Maybe everytime I go somewhere it hibernates a bit longer. The walk back calmed my nerves a bit, which was a bit upsettings since I really wanted that relief. But I didn't get it, and I cheered up a bit.

For a long time I've been single, to the point where I can easily live without a girlfriend, and sometimes have a hard time seeing myself in a relationship. Nevertheless, I would be telling falsehoods if I didn't say that I have hoped I would meet someone here to change that. I don't know if I will. There are of course people here I'm interested in, but I don't honestly know what to do about that. I think right now I should be more interested in making friendships. But it's still something that is important to me, at least to a little degree.

Oh, and I've learned to cook some. I've started small with pasta, and have cooked very little, but the point is I've gotten around to doing it. The pasta still tastes a little hard, even though when I test it as it's cooking it feels alright. Start up glitches. I'd like to be quite good at cooking by the time I come home. I suppose if anyone has any college student recipies, that'd be nice. I myself don't really know how to cook a damn thing, although I could try reading the instructions, if I worked up the nerve to buy the food. :-D

Hope all is well.

More from Germany (Originally written Oct. 10)

Dear Constant Readers,

I intended to write a note on the weekend, but things kept getting put on the backburner. If you haven't found them yet, I've posted photos from my journey here. I think of it as a journey anyway. A basic truth about traveling is that you never really come home. You aren't the same person when you go back home, and you can't completely go back anyway because the world has continued without you, so once again you are stepping into the unknown. But I'm not quite to that point yet.

I thought I knew what I wanted to say last weekend, but that has more or less changed. In a way, things have refused to stay constant this past few days. I feel a bit confused about relationships. My whole life I've been a loner, and will continue to be so, probably more because that just seems to be how things work out for me, regardless of how I try to fit in. I've grown to accept this, and sometimes welcome the freedoms in it, but sometimes I feel like a prisoner of freedom and want to belong to a group of some kind. And yet relationships here, with a few notable exceptions, are like drifts of ice on a river. They are there, but constantly moving. For some reason I've felt a bit out of the loop.

I'm meeting more people and am expanding my social circle, so this might be the reason: relationships are still solidifying. It has not been my intent to ignore any of my friends here. Indeed, I'm more still trying to find my own person, something that happens bit by bit, and is more like forming a concept rather than coming up with a solid end.

I've noticed this about Germany: people hold hands, and it's a wonderful thing. Young and old alike. I never see this in America, it seems. To see a couple, especially and adult or elderly couple holding hands in America is a rare thing for some reason. At least that's been my experience. Here though, it's not rare at all, and I find it encouraging and refreshing (of course, there are things I'd rather not see, like people making out...but that's a far cry from holding hands).

One of the things I missed most was physical human contact. I'm not an especially touchy-feely person, but even a handshake is welcome. It's something so subtle that you don't even think about it until you don't have it anymore, when no one shakes your hand, when no one gives you a hug, etc. I'm not saying Germany is devoid of these things at all, but in my personal experiences as an exchange student, being an outsider to the culture generally meant literally being an outsider. The time it takes for you to be expected can be a lonely time indeed.

Since this weekend I've recieved a hug or two, and that's good for the spirit. But I hope that relationships with people in general here continue in a fruitful way. And that's all I have to say about that for now, I think.

I almost forgot: The Autobahn. I got my first ride in it last weekend. People, it was a bit anti-climatic. I asked my friend Brian if the Autobahn ran near Trier, and he said we were on it, in fact. We were traveling by bus, so surely restrictions apply, but we got to experience none of the speed that it's known for. But it's early yet....One thing though, it goes through some beautiful countryside, and since everything is still fairly new to me, perhaps it was better we went at a compratively slow speed so I could see things more easily.

As I write this, I feel like this has been my weakest note, because it hasn't told much about my goings on in Germany so far, rather instead the goings on in my head and a few observations I've made that have struck me as important somehow. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it and that my musings didn't put anyone off. I felt it was time to write again, and talk about a few things that have been on my mind (and valuable to me) over the course of the week.

To those who have written me: Thank you, I enjoy hearing the feedback and knowing that other people are interested as well. I'm glad that these little notes are enjoyed. :-)

As always, comments or emails or whatever are welcome.

Life in Germany (Originally written Oct. 3)

I've been here now a bit over a week, but it feels like it's been longer than that. Yesterday was the first day of school, although I'm not sure I count it as such because it wasn't really "school", rather in fact language classes for international students. We all took a test to determine what are placement should have been. The test was rather short and certainly couldn't cover all the bases, but it was better than nothing. They grouped us then into ten groups, 1 being the most proficient speakers (mostly from Romania) and 10 then naturally being the opposite. I was placed in Group 4. I don't quite yet have a feel for how I will like it, but exposure to German is accepted in any manner since I've spent quite a bit of time with English speakers.

I look forward now to being intergrated into German peers, if only for the duration of classtime, because meeting them elsewhere is exceptionally difficult. The dorm I stay in (Cusanushaus) is not like the dorms at Wesleyan (or most other dorms that side of the pond, I imagine) where there are social areas. Frankly, most of the time the building is rather unsocial unless you are in the community kitchen (2 per floor) but most of the times of that I've been there I've seen no one. So, it comes as no surprise that we Americans stick together.

Partially I say this to justify it to myself: Originally I had planned to spend as little time as possible with other internationals. I came to Germany to be with Germans. But we have had so much time before school has begun that by and large meeting German nationals has been quite a challenge. Speaking German in those situations has usually been limited to vocabulary needed to buy food and so forth.

In short, I'm hoping that I am not on a path that will end me not knowing the language nor the culture very well. There is probably something I could be doing, but I'm not sure what that might be exactly.

On the other hand, however, the friends I've made have been very good. The group has stayed rather small: Jamie, from Washington; Corinna, from New Mexico; and Anna and Dylon, both from Idaho. We are all staying for a year and so have been spending quite a bit of time together. It's interesting to see how people bond when put in stressful situations: living in a new culture, be it on campus or in another country.

Today is a German holiday (reunification, which happened a while after the Wall fell, something I wasn't aware of) so we didn't have classes. Therefore, the group mentioned above plus Paz, a student from England, all hopped onto a train and rode to Luxembourg, Luxembourg, where shops would still be open, and also simply just to see another part of Europe. It looked exactly like Germany I thought, except for the spoke French instead, and everything there was God-awful expensive. Lunch (Mexican food, actually) was unbelievebly costly, I thought, but that is the way things are. It was a beautiful city, but we were in the area where the shops were and didn't see much culture. But one thing I've noticed from traveling everywhere I've been so far: It's remarkable to see how similiar people are everywhere you go. Or maybe just tourists are all the same, I don't know.

Today and yesterday it has rained and rained and stayed damp and cloudy. People back home probably wish they had this weather, especially the farmers. But I think it's kind of dreary. Still, this is German fall. I hope the winters are snowy. I'm not a fan of winter, actually, but snow is always beautiful.

Last weekend the group of us all hiked up in the hills to a the Mariensaeulen, a statue of the Virigin Mary (South Germany is traditionally extremely Catholic), and I got some nice photos that I'll try to post later. The landscapes are absolutely beautiful here.

Which reminds me...Germany in many ways ironically has reminded me of Mexico. The older roads: the old feel to everything, the brightly painted cement houses. It is remarkable. Perhaps it is not that the two cultures have much in common, but the fact that they are both uniquely distinct from America.

Still haven't figured out the cooking game yet, but I bought some food which will spoil if I don't cook it soon, so the clock is ticking. Hopefully we can have some community meals where everyone takes a part.

I'm not sure what else to say for now, so I guess I'll end this note here. Hope everything State-side is well.

Arrival in Germany (Originally written on September 27)

I am writing this note on Wednesday at 17.47 (which means its 10.47 in Lincoln, according to www.timeanddate.com...nifty when I don't want to make the effort of subtracting or adding).

I went to Denver and from there flew to Montreal, Canada for a 3 hour layover. I was genuinely sorry I could not understand French. Statistically, I've read, 1 out of every 4 Canadians speak French, but they are by and large centered in Quebec, therefore that it is almost all anyone heard there. I was able to conjure up a few French sentences (Acceptez-vous argent americain?) and so on, but it wasn't pretty. The girl who accepted my money was, and she spoke perfect French and English.

On the flight to Frankfurt airport there were two movies: Mission: Impossible 3. If you see it being shown somewhere, I advice you to go and run as fast as you can. It doesn't even have to be in the opposite direction, just run. Of course, it might be a very decent film, I wouldn't know, I gave up after the first 10 minutes or so. The next one was a fairly good film called "Whale Rider." I thought it was well-done, but the story felt like it had been told before many a time.

Next to me though was a lady sitting, who was German and later emigrated to Canada (I noticed that she even had a Canadian passport and had to stand in the line for non-EU nationals, so I guess she went all out and doesn't even have dual-citizenship). We had a nice talk for a while, but then, as the flight was a nightflight, we both tried to sleep.

I cannot sleep on planes. I'm not scared of flying at all, but they are simply to uncomfortable for long flights (same goes for cars as well, usually...Sometimes I manage to sleep in them). My ass falls asleep, but the rest of me does not.

But anyway, the flight went well and I landed in Frankfurt bright and early the next morning. I kept waiting for the sun to rise so I could see Europe, and when the faintest light finally started to grace the heavens, I saw a line outside with alarming straightness, but almost immediately took it to be the French coastline. As the sun grew brighter, however, I realized I was merely looking at the edge of the wing of the airplane.

My first view of Germany....wasn't much of a view at all. It was all foggy until RIGHT before we landed. The air was so choppy that I honestly wondered a few times if we had landed in a pea soup fog.

I got my luggage safely at the airport and saw my German cotraveler. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, however, because I was busy looking for my luggage, and she was busy asking if it had been forwarded via Train to her final location. I then bought my train ticket, and tried to find my station. Fellow future travelers to Germany: traveling via the train can be complicated! It does make sense, but so does Chinese: it takes a bit of dedication to figure out.

A bit overwhelmed and sure I had found the wrong station, I went back up to where find some information booth and out of nowhere my German cotraveler comes up to me and says "Tristan! Did you find your train yet?" I told her I did not and showed her my "Chinese" train ticket. She quickly deciphered it and pointed me to the right station, and then bought me a sandwich and a bottle of water while I waited by my bags and tried to eavesdrop on German couple (?) having a fairly intense discussion. Inger (my cotraveler) came back with the sandwich and water and then and gave me a pat on the back and a fair-you-well and good luck. I said "Thank you thank you thank you" and right after she left, I looked at the two Germans, who, I guess at our rapid English conversation were both staring at me, although I'd be lying if I didn't say that the woman had a bit of a smile on her face. I just smiled and shrugged and they went right back into their conversation.

The train got me to where I needed to go, but not before two other Germans helped me out. One was a young woman who helped me find my next station (in Mainz) and even spoke obligingly in English (I didn't ask her to), and the last person who helped me was a 17-year-old kid who spoke almost no English. I found him because I literally collided into him with one of my God-awful big suitcases that I temporarily lost control of. He wanted to ask me a question, but I couldn't understand him, so I pulled out my ticket to show him what I needed, and he told me that he was on the same train I was. For the next hour or so we tried to make something of conversation, by discussing favorite books, or music, or what the weather typically was like, or siblings, or so on. He was mostly very quiet but also very patient. When train stopped he grabbed on of my bags for me, shook my hand and wished me the best, and then jumped back so he could go to his place.

Whoever said the Germans aren't a very kind people (seems like I've heard that stereotype) can stick it in their ear. My experience has almost exclusively been the opposite so far. Without the aid of these three strangers to find the right trains, I probably would have ended up on Jupiter.

My college here is nice, but honestly I'm not good for making these first impressions yet. I have them, of course, but culture shock and language shock is still going strong, so if I sound more negative than I should seem to be, it's not because I'm not happy.

I've already made a few friends. Mostly Americans. One will be here for a year, but is planning on traveling home during breaks. I'm concerned that her nervousness concerning the German language will not get the best of her. Unfortunately I've been using English more than I should with them, even though we all admit that it is German we should be speaking. I will try to work on that.

With the native Germans it's going better. My first day here almost everyone was stunned that I could already speak so much German for only just arriving. Already I have been called "fluent" but at this stage it's a "feel-good" fluency, in that if I'm feeling good, I can speak as if I were fluent, but I'm not quite there yet.

Today I tried to have a conversation with a German girl, but when she asked me a question I couldn't understand conversation ground to a halt aside from a few small talk questions. Until she mentioned she had never traveled to North America, but had lived in South America for a year. So immediately, and fairly gratefully, we switched to fluent Spanish and ended up having a rather expanisve conversation, despite both of us having a few short-comings due to not having practiced the language recently.

Concerns I have: food, mainly, but that is being dealt with. The Americans and I went shopping and had us a pasta dinner. Libbi, I figured it doesn't matter that we aren't all on the same floor, anyway. ;-)

Other concern: German, naturally, especially with the Americans and with this other German girl. But I'm more or less determined to learn the language well and to meet many people, so I doubt these few exceptions will cause me to drop the ball.

I am concidering putting together a website. However, as I don't yet have wireless, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get it on my floor, I only have ethernet (which is as slow as a modem, truthfully) and so downloading pictures to facebook, myspace, emails, etc., perhaps will be few if any. I appologize for that, and I will see what I can do.

Anyway, it's getting late, and I have places to be tomorrow, so I'll finish this email here.

By the way, it's way after 17.00 when I started, I just didn't feel like going back and retyping the time...I took a looong break to go out to the town center, which honestly is quite beautiful.

Peace out, y'all. Send me messages!

Tristan

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