A Month Here (Originally written Oct. 26)

Dear Constant Readers,

I had wanted to write on Tuesday, which I think is the regular day I write (for no good reason) but it kept getting put off again and again, but here it is finally. All in all it it's a bit convienient that I write today, because today is officially the month-long milestone for me.

I've recieved a few requests to put this blog on a public website. I will do this. I haven't gotten around to it yet, but I will do this, probably on blogspot, or whatever it's called. But essentially, for those of you, who like me, perfer Facebook, it will be the exact same messages, so no need for you to read both, unless I make a notification that the messages differ.

Also, I get a number of messages from people who ask me how life is here, and I appreciate the asking, and generally I have directed them here. But it occured to me that perhaps I haven't mentioned something that someone might be curious about, or have only touched upon it. So of course if this is the case, please write me, and I will respond. Feel free to ask me absolutely anything you wish. I'll try me best to provide with answers.

So now onwards with the message....

The theme of this past week is social life. All my life I've been more of a loner, and I don't find anything essentially wrong with this, actually. I do believe interaction with others to be very important, but everyone needs personal time, too, and some need much more than others.

I don't know where to place myself in the world. I go out with my friends and try to have a good time, but it's not always to be. There are many things to consider: lousy party, expensive drinks, or whatever the case may be that put a damper on things. But I'm a bit torn because so many people here seem interested in going to parties, whereas I usually don't have the slightest interest whatsoever, but end up going because it's better than spending the evening alone in my room. For a long time I feared I was only a social misfit, but gradually, and recently, I've discovered this is not the case, because I've tried my best to find alternatives to going out partying, and often it's when I can find no one else free that I end up going. So I am in fact trying to be social. And sometimes I actually do have a good time at these things. I enjoy a gathering of friends (an example that some of you might be familiar with includes birthday parties or parties at Mitch's place). Dance clubs that thump late into the tobacco-stained night though drive me away 90% of the time. I will say that they play music that suits me though, which I think is a bit ironic.

I've been going out in smaller groups and have had fun, but don't feel quite "in" with them. Maybe it's my fault, or perhaps it's just the way group dynamics work. I'm treated cordially and kindly in the this group here, and try my best to be considerate in return. I feel closer to the people on an individual basis, but in a group I feel a bit more...walled out? I don't know. Maybe somewhere in my life I built invisible walls that have ultimately backfired. It feels like something is amiss.

Why did I come to Germany, then, if I knew there would be many people out there who felt this way, rather opposite of me? Because for one thing, I know the whole world isn't like that, and there are people who feel how I do. For another thing, I can't let my perceptions of the world limit me. I have to go out and expand them, and to do that you must put yourself in situations that are sometimes uncomfortable. But the payoff of what you learn about the world, and more, about yourself, I think is usually worth the trouble and sometimes pain.

I've been alarmed, however, at finding even a smaller number of people who feel the same way I do about this. It seems that in our culture, if you are young, your weekends are supposed to be a bit wild. For those of us who feel differently, there are no instructions about how you should do it. No one has ever made a movie about a quiet evening. We are left on our own to figure these things out for ourselves.

So to those who do feel the same way, how do you do it? What do you do instead to pass the time when everyone else is prettying themselves up for a night on the town when you don't have the spirit for it? Maybe my best friend would just be some more self-confidence, but some ideas of how to spend the time would be nice, too.

I ultimately didn't go to Cologne (Koeln), partially, or maybe mainly, for the aforementioned reasons. My friend Dylon said that he was planning on going back anyway for a soccer game, and said that I could tag along. Going in a smaller group with someone I know much better sounded more appealing to me. Perhaps I missed a good opportunity to get to know them better. Opportunities come and go though. I'll miss more. Ultimately, though, a wise person once said, it's not about how many you miss, but how many you catch, and I think I need to get my priorities straight and think about that, because I'm not letting everything get by either. But I get paranoid and feel that I'm wasting my time here when I want to do something but don't seize it...Like for example do I take the class on Archaeology of the Cathedral, which frankly sounds really interesting to me, or do I take the lecture about European economics, which, important as it is, I couldn't give a whiff about? My major asks that I take the latter, and even though I don't really know if I care for my major more, I'm probably going to end up taking the economics course to get it out of the way here and now, and hopefully next semester something will still be along that suits my heart a little better.

I think I need to find my own niche of people here. I am still looking for it. I've enjoyed going bowling with the friends here, or attempting with moderate success to make dinner with them, or whatever. I will continue to do these things, of course. On an individual basis, particularly with Dylon, I'm comfortable. But they have a group established, and I'm looking for something of one, too. I like the beach fine, but I'm no island.

I would like to say that when I write these, they usually sound pessimistic to me. I don't think I am a pessimist. But it bothers me, because I wonder when I write why it seems like I always write downers. Does it sound more balanced to anyone else, or does it sound like I'm just bitching? I find it curious: I spend a lot of my time feeling content, or nervous, or scared or frustrated, or just outwright confused. Usually all in day. I haven't found that happy medium...and maybe most of us haven't. A lot of my nervousness is currently rooted in getting classes lined up. The lectures aren't exciting, and I'm wondering if I should take these classes that are critical to my major, or more ones that are interesting to me, like in the situation I mentioned above. Ultimately, I suppose, my time in Germany, indeed, life in general, will not be determined so much if I took an interesting class or not (couldn't hurt, though). On the flip side, I have two semesters: So I could get some more fun ones in next time around.

Hope this finds you all well.