Gratitude to a Friend

Dear Constant Readers,

It's said that comedy, in the sense of a happy ending, is tragedy narrowly avoided. How can there be a happy ending without first difficulty? How would that be a happy ending in the first place? How would the characters in the story become the mature characters they are supposed to be, or be strong enough to be able to accept the difficulties that will come, so that they can be happy later?

Healing, growing, self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to do. In some ways it's like breaking a bad habit. I recently told a friend that it has been one of the hardest habits I have ever broken, but at the same time the easiest, because there has never been something I've wanted more.

I've been going through a very, very difficult time in my life, a spiritual and mental crisis, only to discover on the other side, that I'm normal. And that there is not, and never was, anything wrong with me, and nothing at all to be afraid of.

I think there is a reason why we cannot read other people's minds, and it's not a gift I would ever want (sorry ladies, I'm not that kind of man), but if we could, I think we'd find we all share a lot of the same insecurities, even if they are somehow differently manifested. Two different stories are still, in fact the same story, in the end. Maybe fears are like that, too.

I believe in spirituality, and that it is connected to everything we do. I'm not saying what you have to believe, but this is what I do.

Crying out for help is the hardest thing sometimes, when we are even afraid of the help. But there is nothing to be afraid of. Life is like an epic, and even in those it seems that the darkest is here and there is no hope....but there is. Is it a coincidence that the stories that have survived the test of time were epics like "The Lord of the Rings," "The Chronicles of Narnia," and even books like the Bible? And is it a coincidence these works reflect our own lives and world?

I'm not speaking to just Christians or religious people, I'm talking to anyone who stakes a claim on this planet, anyone who's ever sniffed O2.

The storm passes, God helps, whoever God is. I feel I know him (I'll say him, I hope you don't mind). But you know, healing is a tough thing at times. But it's not the pain that is important. Like a friend told me: A man was walking and saw a butterfly crawling out of its cocoon. The butterfly was struggling to squeeze itself through its impossibly small hole, so the man cut open the cocoon. But the butterfly needed to squeeze throw the cocoon to complete its metamorphosis, and thus was crippled.

We have to pull ourselves through life sometimes, but every pain we go through has a reason. There are no accidents in this world. Even in a world where a terrible tragedy occurs, whatever that may be, and God, if he's so powerful and good didn't want it to happen, free will that we have allowed it, but there is still good that can come from it. We don't have the whole picture, we don't know what's on the other side of life, and in the case of death why some people are taken. But on this planet, tragedy doesn't kill us, it shapes us. I can't explain a lot of things, I can't say "Because" to a "Why". But life isn't made of up answers anymore than a river is made up of puddles.

A personal example: A couple of years ago I applied to study in Japan. It had been my dream for years. I got accepted to spend a year in Japan, and everything was in order. Maybe even God willed it, you could say.

I was set to leave in August. In late-ish June to July I discovered that I had not been awarded a particular scholarship, and thus couldn't afford to go. I was frustrated and angered and sad. It was an easy decision to make, because I simply didn't have the money, so that was considerably comforting as the majority of the weight was taken off my decision, but it was a lousy turn of events.

It was the best thing that has ever in 22 years of life happened to me. I would never trade that refusal for all the riches in the world, because I found them later, and more than I could have imagined in all the Japanese words in the world. It was because of that refusal that I met some of the greatest human beings I have ever been honored to meet, all of them who have affected more more profoundly than anything so far in my life, both in my later trip to Germany and especially here on campus. I don't even fantasize about how it would have been otherwise, had I been able to go, or chosen to. It wasn't an accident, it was a gift, and one of the best I'm sure I will ever receive in this life. My friends, even if I don't name you or list you, you know all who you are.

I've found that pray helps, I'm not ashamed to say that, although to say it publicly, I admit, does take some getting used to for me. But prayer doesn't make life easier anymore than taking Aspirin makes a wound healthier. It does, however make it easier to deal with when times are tough. I don't think we should just pray when things *are* tough, but that's often when it's most intense.

We aren't alone, even if you are not religious, that's still true. People are here, and we are social creatures. My whole life I always figured myself as a loner, and loved the remark "Every feel lonely? -Only around people" (from The Thin Red Line, by the way). Recently I discovered how much that is so untrue about myself. I hate being alone sometimes! I really really hate it. We all need me-time, but I'm a hell of a lot more social than I thought. I'll be damned.

For years I have suffered. I think it's coming to a head, or has even come to a head already. I'm glad. I'm not asking for an easy life. I want one where I am challenged. I've faced depression, heartbreak, failing grades, homesickness, loneliness, insecurity and doubt about damn near EVERYTHING (that applies to me so far in life), professional councilors, the prospect of taking medication, anger, what I believe to be spiritual attacks, guilt, and so on. And I'll be damned if I'm not just like you. We grow up thinking these things are bad. These are phases, I think. We are all at different stages of them. Losing our teeth is not bad. It's a physical phase. We all need mental and spiritual ones as well. And we all get them. And we can handle them. It's not easy, but it will pass.

We have to pull ourselves through it, ultimately we *do* have to save ourselves. But we don't have to do it alone. There is a world of difference. If we are social creatures, then we draw our strength from others as well as ourselves. But it is up to us how we use that strength, if we use that strength, and even if we seek it out.

Reality looked at straight on would drive us mad. We cannot handle reality without help. We aren't meant to, we weren't built for it. And reality is neutral anyway. We all see clouds. I see a dragon, you see a giraffe. Do we see the world for what it really is? We see what we can, but we don't have the whole picture.

I have to say, a lot of this I'm telling you was first told to me from a friend when I was going through a hell of a time...last Thursday. But we all have our own experiences and can express them uniquely. Healing can't be forced, but it can be helped along, and its own time, things do mend. And life goes one, with yes new challenges, and it's even nerve-wracking opening one's eyes after a very good day, wondering if it was just a fluke, and if more bad days are to come. It wasn't a fluke. It was a good sign you are in the right direction.

Hope all is well.

Yours,
Tristan

Tristan Needs Adventure

Dear Constant Readers,

First off I want to say that things are going a hell of a lot better than they were for me the last time I wrote. Much much much better, and I owe a lot of that to people who would listen some friends who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I still have things to...how to say it?....let heal while I contemplate life, but I'm not trying to contemplate too much, or rather, I'm trying to change the diet of the mind in what I contemplate. It's kind of like working out. It's hard when you get started, and you need a lot of encouragement from time to time, but in time, things start to take care of themselves.

Thank you, all of you who have either spoken with me, or prayed for me, or listened to me. You really are the best things in my life.

Now, while I munch this dark chocolate Snickers Mini, I wanted to say a couple of other things, in a lighter fashion.

I like making lists. I have lists for all sorts of stuff. I have lists for books I want to read, movies I want to see, an at-one-time-comprehensive list of what movies I owned including summary, awards and nominations, if I had it on DVD or VHS and so forth, and of course languages I want to learn, and in what particular order (I've re-written that one several times).

While I was out jogging yesterday, I was thinking about some of the goals I'd like to reach in life, and thought I'd write them here. I read somewhere that when you make a goal, tell everyone you can about it, because somehow that motivates you, so here goes.

Someday I'd like to run the original marathon course in Greece. This is more of a lukewarm goal at the moment, but it has stuck with me over the years since I first got the idea, so maybe there is something to it. As of now, the farthest I have ever run (that I'm aware of) in one go is 10 miles (16.1 Km.), and that was yesterday, although I've done it before. My next goal is to gradually increase that to 20 (32.2) miles, and see what happens from there. However, I'm not officially training for anything, I'm just running for fun.

Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. That's a volcano in Africa. I know nothing about climbing, and I've read that this one is fairly easy for amateurs like myself. I think it would be a fun adventure, and it would give me an excuse to learn Swahili (as if I'd need an excuse to learn it). Still, I'd like to take some climbing lessons someday, because I'd think it would be fun, and perhaps even

Climb Mt. Everest. Fat chance, I don't really like the cold. But I hopefully have a lot of years of life left in me, and I'm open to the (eventual) possibility, however remote, of being enticed by this adventure. At the very least I'd like to visit Nepal.

Sky Dive. Definitely do this one. I don't like heights, but not to the point where it's a real phobia. Still, I'm curious about this one, and will probably jump out of an airplane. Base jumping? Maybe later, I'm not too concerned about that.

Become qualified to Night Dive, and Deep Sea Dive. I actually am already a qualified scuba diver, which is a bit ironic because I freeze my ass off in anything that's colder than bathwater, and also because I'm not a fan of being wet at all. But my sense of adventure overruled all that, and besides, I want to learn dry suit diving so I can stay warm on deeper dives.

Participate in the Iditarod. Of all of my goals, this is really perhaps the least likely, because A) I don't like the cold that much (although in fairness, I appreciate it a lot lot more than I used to, and I can see myself liking it even more. I already love the outdoors much more than I used to), and B) I'm not much of a dog person. That's probably what would get me there. But why rule it out yet? If I were offered the chance to tag along, I might take it.

Drive to Alaska. Just because.

Drive the Pan-American Highway. This road goes from the Arctic Circle of Alaska all the way to the tip of Argentina, rolling in at nearly 48,000 kilometres (29,800 miles), including the unofficial routes through Canada and the US. I've heard it takes about two years to drive, I'm not sure about that. However, apparently one fellow set a record in doing it in 24 days. I'd rather take things slower. If I can find the time to do this, and I don't see why I shouldn't, this will be a big definite.

Learn Irish, Scottish Gaelic, and Polish. The languages of my ancestry.

Learn the piano. I'm working on it, actually.

Publish a novel. I'm not too worried about this one. I love to write, but similar to running and language-learning, I don't have any professional angle in mind, so there's no real pressure.

See the Great Wall of China. Because with a list like this, you have to.

A guy I know just rode his bike from Nebraska to San Fransisco. Maybe I'd like to do that, too, but we'll see. Chalk that up to "maybe."

I could list off the languages I want to learn, but that would be silly, and kinda against my principles. I do in fact have a set number in mind, but I don't plan on stopping at that number, it's just a goal to shoot for for the time being. When I learn as many languages as I hope to, I actually don't want anyone to know about it. What I mean is, I'm not doing it for attention. Today a classmate of mine was impressed when a girl in our class said she learned Spanish from her mom and had taken a semester of German and a semester of French, in addition to her English. To that classmate, that was surely impressive, and that's fine. I didn't see it as prudent to open my mouth and say what I could have said. It would have cheapened all of my hard work and passion, plus what the girl said wasn't wrong at all. She's already accomplished more than what many people will.

Retrace Lewis and Clarke's trail. I've heard of people doing that. I'd also like to retrace the Oregon Trail. Those are things I'd like to do, but aren't really goals yet.

Retrace Marco Polo's trail. Is this possible? I don't know. Perhaps not. But if it were, it could be fun.

Become more of an outdoors man. That means, learn about outdoor survival, and take in more scenery. Maybe this fits me since one thing I'd like to do is visit Canada and Alaska.

Well, anyway, these are some of the things I'd like to do. Not all of them are official goals yet, but more like dreams. Some of them have higher priority than others. I have a few ideas about the kind of life I want to live, and I don't want it to be clean, wear a suit, 9:00-5:00. I recognize the importance of work, of course, but I don't see why it has to be something everyone else is doing. I don't know what I want, maybe I want to be an archaeologist, though. Perhaps I could get some of these goals in there with that profession. When I think about how I'm shaping my life, one thing to me is apparent. I really need adventure, at least for the time being. I need to get out of here. Out of Nebraska, and out into the paths less traveled. I really have to do that.

Hope all is well.

Tristan

Through Mountains and Fog

Dear Constant Readers,

Initially, I wanted to write about a post a week. I still have not given up on this goal, but it seems to be one that for some reason has been hard to meet. But the last few weeks have been very tough for me. Considerably so. I've been stressed out with school, I've been stressed with myself, I've been torn by worries and anxieties. So a) I'm trying to vent this all and b) I'm trying to put it behind me and move on with life.

I hold onto things to tightly. I dwell on things, and when I get an notion in my head I obsess over it. Sometimes I think an obsession can be good, at least within boundaries. I am shameless over my obsession with languages, as I've written about many times here, but I also recognize the fact that there are other things in life. I'm learning the piano; I'm (trying) to get into working out more, and of course I have my course work. I have my friends to stay in touch with, which I think is probably more important than all of these others. Languages don't fulfill me, and I doubt none of this other stuff can either. I could speak a thousand, or compose beautiful symphonies (fat chance though, I don't have much of an interest in that) or whatever, but when I'm having a bad day, they aren't going to put their arm around me and cheer me up.

I haven't stayed in very good touch with a few people: Maren, Dylon, Judith, for example. I'm not going to go through lists tonight, but even if I don't say your name, I still think of you, Ily and Elena, for example.

Not all of this is my fault, but if I haven't been making a good effort, I apologize. But on the other hand, I'm not going to fret over it. I can only try so far, and the rest is up to the others. I can't rule people's lives for them, the way I think they should live it. I've tried it before, and it's a selfish, ugly thing to do. What I want to do now is try to be a kind person when they need one, if they should happen to open up to me.

I skipped my German homework last night, and instead drank some beers and had a barbecue with my roommates and some friends. It fuckin kicked ass, I dare say. This semester I'm sick of a lot of bullshit. I'm sick of classes, and stressing over my classes in Germany is now a lesson learned, because really, it turns out it didn't matter anyway. With the classes I have now, I'll get the work done, I always do, and doubtless there'll be some stress, but I'm not going to make it any worse than it is. I have to give a presentation about Germany at the end of this month, and I have been tempted to say, "I didn't go there just so I could get in front of a group of people to talk about it!! You go and have your own experiences!" Ahhh, that felt good. Now, I'm all for the spreading of knowledge, especially about other cultures, but I felt irritated that I was being told about certain things I might be expected to address. Ultimately, they might help give me some guidance, but at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I jettisoned a lot of those questions.

I give up. I have been trying to sort shit out in my life and analyze myself and figure out why this bothers me or that upsets me or why I feel like crap a lot. I can't do it on my own. I'm talking to someone now just to get a professional opinion about why I'm so tense and anxious. Why am I? I don't think it matters. I think it's because I just get obsessive and convince myself to worry or that something is the matter. Anyone else have days like that?

The last few days I have been trying to ignore a lot of things I've been worrying about, and actually I feel better now. But it's hard, it's so motherfucking hard to do. But you know, you can't win battles like this in a few days. I want the self-confidence not to worry, to believe in myself and follow my instincts, not to have that little drone in my head going "Uh-uh. I'm gonna make you doubt yourself, you cheeky little fucker" (reels me back in with fishing rod).

I am a healthy person. I just need that healthiness to grow inside of me, and plow through these weeds of confusion. But I can feel it inside of me. It's like a lantern in the fog.

I want PEACE of mind. Someone, I'm told, once drew a picture of peace being a raging waterfall with a little branch sticking out of the cliff side where the water was frothing over. On the end of the branch was a bird, just minding its own business, couldn't-be-bothered. I want to be like that. I can't control the world, but I want to be at peace with myself, and I'm working really hard at it. Ironically, it's like something you have to work really hard at not working really hard at. If you work too hard at it, you stress at finding peace. Maybe it's kinda like the Tao.

If you pray, give me your prayers. (Or if you have money, give me your cash, I'll take that too! :-P)

Hope things are going well. I'm going to go to bed and have a nice weekend.

Yours,
Tristan