Gratitude to a Friend
Dear Constant Readers,
It's said that comedy, in the sense of a happy ending, is tragedy narrowly avoided. How can there be a happy ending without first difficulty? How would that be a happy ending in the first place? How would the characters in the story become the mature characters they are supposed to be, or be strong enough to be able to accept the difficulties that will come, so that they can be happy later?
Healing, growing, self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to do. In some ways it's like breaking a bad habit. I recently told a friend that it has been one of the hardest habits I have ever broken, but at the same time the easiest, because there has never been something I've wanted more.
I've been going through a very, very difficult time in my life, a spiritual and mental crisis, only to discover on the other side, that I'm normal. And that there is not, and never was, anything wrong with me, and nothing at all to be afraid of.
I think there is a reason why we cannot read other people's minds, and it's not a gift I would ever want (sorry ladies, I'm not that kind of man), but if we could, I think we'd find we all share a lot of the same insecurities, even if they are somehow differently manifested. Two different stories are still, in fact the same story, in the end. Maybe fears are like that, too.
I believe in spirituality, and that it is connected to everything we do. I'm not saying what you have to believe, but this is what I do.
Crying out for help is the hardest thing sometimes, when we are even afraid of the help. But there is nothing to be afraid of. Life is like an epic, and even in those it seems that the darkest is here and there is no hope....but there is. Is it a coincidence that the stories that have survived the test of time were epics like "The Lord of the Rings," "The Chronicles of Narnia," and even books like the Bible? And is it a coincidence these works reflect our own lives and world?
I'm not speaking to just Christians or religious people, I'm talking to anyone who stakes a claim on this planet, anyone who's ever sniffed O2.
The storm passes, God helps, whoever God is. I feel I know him (I'll say him, I hope you don't mind). But you know, healing is a tough thing at times. But it's not the pain that is important. Like a friend told me: A man was walking and saw a butterfly crawling out of its cocoon. The butterfly was struggling to squeeze itself through its impossibly small hole, so the man cut open the cocoon. But the butterfly needed to squeeze throw the cocoon to complete its metamorphosis, and thus was crippled.
We have to pull ourselves through life sometimes, but every pain we go through has a reason. There are no accidents in this world. Even in a world where a terrible tragedy occurs, whatever that may be, and God, if he's so powerful and good didn't want it to happen, free will that we have allowed it, but there is still good that can come from it. We don't have the whole picture, we don't know what's on the other side of life, and in the case of death why some people are taken. But on this planet, tragedy doesn't kill us, it shapes us. I can't explain a lot of things, I can't say "Because" to a "Why". But life isn't made of up answers anymore than a river is made up of puddles.
A personal example: A couple of years ago I applied to study in Japan. It had been my dream for years. I got accepted to spend a year in Japan, and everything was in order. Maybe even God willed it, you could say.
I was set to leave in August. In late-ish June to July I discovered that I had not been awarded a particular scholarship, and thus couldn't afford to go. I was frustrated and angered and sad. It was an easy decision to make, because I simply didn't have the money, so that was considerably comforting as the majority of the weight was taken off my decision, but it was a lousy turn of events.
It was the best thing that has ever in 22 years of life happened to me. I would never trade that refusal for all the riches in the world, because I found them later, and more than I could have imagined in all the Japanese words in the world. It was because of that refusal that I met some of the greatest human beings I have ever been honored to meet, all of them who have affected more more profoundly than anything so far in my life, both in my later trip to Germany and especially here on campus. I don't even fantasize about how it would have been otherwise, had I been able to go, or chosen to. It wasn't an accident, it was a gift, and one of the best I'm sure I will ever receive in this life. My friends, even if I don't name you or list you, you know all who you are.
I've found that pray helps, I'm not ashamed to say that, although to say it publicly, I admit, does take some getting used to for me. But prayer doesn't make life easier anymore than taking Aspirin makes a wound healthier. It does, however make it easier to deal with when times are tough. I don't think we should just pray when things *are* tough, but that's often when it's most intense.
We aren't alone, even if you are not religious, that's still true. People are here, and we are social creatures. My whole life I always figured myself as a loner, and loved the remark "Every feel lonely? -Only around people" (from The Thin Red Line, by the way). Recently I discovered how much that is so untrue about myself. I hate being alone sometimes! I really really hate it. We all need me-time, but I'm a hell of a lot more social than I thought. I'll be damned.
For years I have suffered. I think it's coming to a head, or has even come to a head already. I'm glad. I'm not asking for an easy life. I want one where I am challenged. I've faced depression, heartbreak, failing grades, homesickness, loneliness, insecurity and doubt about damn near EVERYTHING (that applies to me so far in life), professional councilors, the prospect of taking medication, anger, what I believe to be spiritual attacks, guilt, and so on. And I'll be damned if I'm not just like you. We grow up thinking these things are bad. These are phases, I think. We are all at different stages of them. Losing our teeth is not bad. It's a physical phase. We all need mental and spiritual ones as well. And we all get them. And we can handle them. It's not easy, but it will pass.
We have to pull ourselves through it, ultimately we *do* have to save ourselves. But we don't have to do it alone. There is a world of difference. If we are social creatures, then we draw our strength from others as well as ourselves. But it is up to us how we use that strength, if we use that strength, and even if we seek it out.
Reality looked at straight on would drive us mad. We cannot handle reality without help. We aren't meant to, we weren't built for it. And reality is neutral anyway. We all see clouds. I see a dragon, you see a giraffe. Do we see the world for what it really is? We see what we can, but we don't have the whole picture.
I have to say, a lot of this I'm telling you was first told to me from a friend when I was going through a hell of a time...last Thursday. But we all have our own experiences and can express them uniquely. Healing can't be forced, but it can be helped along, and its own time, things do mend. And life goes one, with yes new challenges, and it's even nerve-wracking opening one's eyes after a very good day, wondering if it was just a fluke, and if more bad days are to come. It wasn't a fluke. It was a good sign you are in the right direction.
Hope all is well.
Yours,
Tristan
It's said that comedy, in the sense of a happy ending, is tragedy narrowly avoided. How can there be a happy ending without first difficulty? How would that be a happy ending in the first place? How would the characters in the story become the mature characters they are supposed to be, or be strong enough to be able to accept the difficulties that will come, so that they can be happy later?
Healing, growing, self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to do. In some ways it's like breaking a bad habit. I recently told a friend that it has been one of the hardest habits I have ever broken, but at the same time the easiest, because there has never been something I've wanted more.
I've been going through a very, very difficult time in my life, a spiritual and mental crisis, only to discover on the other side, that I'm normal. And that there is not, and never was, anything wrong with me, and nothing at all to be afraid of.
I think there is a reason why we cannot read other people's minds, and it's not a gift I would ever want (sorry ladies, I'm not that kind of man), but if we could, I think we'd find we all share a lot of the same insecurities, even if they are somehow differently manifested. Two different stories are still, in fact the same story, in the end. Maybe fears are like that, too.
I believe in spirituality, and that it is connected to everything we do. I'm not saying what you have to believe, but this is what I do.
Crying out for help is the hardest thing sometimes, when we are even afraid of the help. But there is nothing to be afraid of. Life is like an epic, and even in those it seems that the darkest is here and there is no hope....but there is. Is it a coincidence that the stories that have survived the test of time were epics like "The Lord of the Rings," "The Chronicles of Narnia," and even books like the Bible? And is it a coincidence these works reflect our own lives and world?
I'm not speaking to just Christians or religious people, I'm talking to anyone who stakes a claim on this planet, anyone who's ever sniffed O2.
The storm passes, God helps, whoever God is. I feel I know him (I'll say him, I hope you don't mind). But you know, healing is a tough thing at times. But it's not the pain that is important. Like a friend told me: A man was walking and saw a butterfly crawling out of its cocoon. The butterfly was struggling to squeeze itself through its impossibly small hole, so the man cut open the cocoon. But the butterfly needed to squeeze throw the cocoon to complete its metamorphosis, and thus was crippled.
We have to pull ourselves through life sometimes, but every pain we go through has a reason. There are no accidents in this world. Even in a world where a terrible tragedy occurs, whatever that may be, and God, if he's so powerful and good didn't want it to happen, free will that we have allowed it, but there is still good that can come from it. We don't have the whole picture, we don't know what's on the other side of life, and in the case of death why some people are taken. But on this planet, tragedy doesn't kill us, it shapes us. I can't explain a lot of things, I can't say "Because" to a "Why". But life isn't made of up answers anymore than a river is made up of puddles.
A personal example: A couple of years ago I applied to study in Japan. It had been my dream for years. I got accepted to spend a year in Japan, and everything was in order. Maybe even God willed it, you could say.
I was set to leave in August. In late-ish June to July I discovered that I had not been awarded a particular scholarship, and thus couldn't afford to go. I was frustrated and angered and sad. It was an easy decision to make, because I simply didn't have the money, so that was considerably comforting as the majority of the weight was taken off my decision, but it was a lousy turn of events.
It was the best thing that has ever in 22 years of life happened to me. I would never trade that refusal for all the riches in the world, because I found them later, and more than I could have imagined in all the Japanese words in the world. It was because of that refusal that I met some of the greatest human beings I have ever been honored to meet, all of them who have affected more more profoundly than anything so far in my life, both in my later trip to Germany and especially here on campus. I don't even fantasize about how it would have been otherwise, had I been able to go, or chosen to. It wasn't an accident, it was a gift, and one of the best I'm sure I will ever receive in this life. My friends, even if I don't name you or list you, you know all who you are.
I've found that pray helps, I'm not ashamed to say that, although to say it publicly, I admit, does take some getting used to for me. But prayer doesn't make life easier anymore than taking Aspirin makes a wound healthier. It does, however make it easier to deal with when times are tough. I don't think we should just pray when things *are* tough, but that's often when it's most intense.
We aren't alone, even if you are not religious, that's still true. People are here, and we are social creatures. My whole life I always figured myself as a loner, and loved the remark "Every feel lonely? -Only around people" (from The Thin Red Line, by the way). Recently I discovered how much that is so untrue about myself. I hate being alone sometimes! I really really hate it. We all need me-time, but I'm a hell of a lot more social than I thought. I'll be damned.
For years I have suffered. I think it's coming to a head, or has even come to a head already. I'm glad. I'm not asking for an easy life. I want one where I am challenged. I've faced depression, heartbreak, failing grades, homesickness, loneliness, insecurity and doubt about damn near EVERYTHING (that applies to me so far in life), professional councilors, the prospect of taking medication, anger, what I believe to be spiritual attacks, guilt, and so on. And I'll be damned if I'm not just like you. We grow up thinking these things are bad. These are phases, I think. We are all at different stages of them. Losing our teeth is not bad. It's a physical phase. We all need mental and spiritual ones as well. And we all get them. And we can handle them. It's not easy, but it will pass.
We have to pull ourselves through it, ultimately we *do* have to save ourselves. But we don't have to do it alone. There is a world of difference. If we are social creatures, then we draw our strength from others as well as ourselves. But it is up to us how we use that strength, if we use that strength, and even if we seek it out.
Reality looked at straight on would drive us mad. We cannot handle reality without help. We aren't meant to, we weren't built for it. And reality is neutral anyway. We all see clouds. I see a dragon, you see a giraffe. Do we see the world for what it really is? We see what we can, but we don't have the whole picture.
I have to say, a lot of this I'm telling you was first told to me from a friend when I was going through a hell of a time...last Thursday. But we all have our own experiences and can express them uniquely. Healing can't be forced, but it can be helped along, and its own time, things do mend. And life goes one, with yes new challenges, and it's even nerve-wracking opening one's eyes after a very good day, wondering if it was just a fluke, and if more bad days are to come. It wasn't a fluke. It was a good sign you are in the right direction.
Hope all is well.
Yours,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 8:14 PM
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