Through Mountains and Fog
Dear Constant Readers,
Initially, I wanted to write about a post a week. I still have not given up on this goal, but it seems to be one that for some reason has been hard to meet. But the last few weeks have been very tough for me. Considerably so. I've been stressed out with school, I've been stressed with myself, I've been torn by worries and anxieties. So a) I'm trying to vent this all and b) I'm trying to put it behind me and move on with life.
I hold onto things to tightly. I dwell on things, and when I get an notion in my head I obsess over it. Sometimes I think an obsession can be good, at least within boundaries. I am shameless over my obsession with languages, as I've written about many times here, but I also recognize the fact that there are other things in life. I'm learning the piano; I'm (trying) to get into working out more, and of course I have my course work. I have my friends to stay in touch with, which I think is probably more important than all of these others. Languages don't fulfill me, and I doubt none of this other stuff can either. I could speak a thousand, or compose beautiful symphonies (fat chance though, I don't have much of an interest in that) or whatever, but when I'm having a bad day, they aren't going to put their arm around me and cheer me up.
I haven't stayed in very good touch with a few people: Maren, Dylon, Judith, for example. I'm not going to go through lists tonight, but even if I don't say your name, I still think of you, Ily and Elena, for example.
Not all of this is my fault, but if I haven't been making a good effort, I apologize. But on the other hand, I'm not going to fret over it. I can only try so far, and the rest is up to the others. I can't rule people's lives for them, the way I think they should live it. I've tried it before, and it's a selfish, ugly thing to do. What I want to do now is try to be a kind person when they need one, if they should happen to open up to me.
I skipped my German homework last night, and instead drank some beers and had a barbecue with my roommates and some friends. It fuckin kicked ass, I dare say. This semester I'm sick of a lot of bullshit. I'm sick of classes, and stressing over my classes in Germany is now a lesson learned, because really, it turns out it didn't matter anyway. With the classes I have now, I'll get the work done, I always do, and doubtless there'll be some stress, but I'm not going to make it any worse than it is. I have to give a presentation about Germany at the end of this month, and I have been tempted to say, "I didn't go there just so I could get in front of a group of people to talk about it!! You go and have your own experiences!" Ahhh, that felt good. Now, I'm all for the spreading of knowledge, especially about other cultures, but I felt irritated that I was being told about certain things I might be expected to address. Ultimately, they might help give me some guidance, but at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I jettisoned a lot of those questions.
I give up. I have been trying to sort shit out in my life and analyze myself and figure out why this bothers me or that upsets me or why I feel like crap a lot. I can't do it on my own. I'm talking to someone now just to get a professional opinion about why I'm so tense and anxious. Why am I? I don't think it matters. I think it's because I just get obsessive and convince myself to worry or that something is the matter. Anyone else have days like that?
The last few days I have been trying to ignore a lot of things I've been worrying about, and actually I feel better now. But it's hard, it's so motherfucking hard to do. But you know, you can't win battles like this in a few days. I want the self-confidence not to worry, to believe in myself and follow my instincts, not to have that little drone in my head going "Uh-uh. I'm gonna make you doubt yourself, you cheeky little fucker" (reels me back in with fishing rod).
I am a healthy person. I just need that healthiness to grow inside of me, and plow through these weeds of confusion. But I can feel it inside of me. It's like a lantern in the fog.
I want PEACE of mind. Someone, I'm told, once drew a picture of peace being a raging waterfall with a little branch sticking out of the cliff side where the water was frothing over. On the end of the branch was a bird, just minding its own business, couldn't-be-bothered. I want to be like that. I can't control the world, but I want to be at peace with myself, and I'm working really hard at it. Ironically, it's like something you have to work really hard at not working really hard at. If you work too hard at it, you stress at finding peace. Maybe it's kinda like the Tao.
If you pray, give me your prayers. (Or if you have money, give me your cash, I'll take that too! :-P)
Hope things are going well. I'm going to go to bed and have a nice weekend.
Yours,
Tristan
Initially, I wanted to write about a post a week. I still have not given up on this goal, but it seems to be one that for some reason has been hard to meet. But the last few weeks have been very tough for me. Considerably so. I've been stressed out with school, I've been stressed with myself, I've been torn by worries and anxieties. So a) I'm trying to vent this all and b) I'm trying to put it behind me and move on with life.
I hold onto things to tightly. I dwell on things, and when I get an notion in my head I obsess over it. Sometimes I think an obsession can be good, at least within boundaries. I am shameless over my obsession with languages, as I've written about many times here, but I also recognize the fact that there are other things in life. I'm learning the piano; I'm (trying) to get into working out more, and of course I have my course work. I have my friends to stay in touch with, which I think is probably more important than all of these others. Languages don't fulfill me, and I doubt none of this other stuff can either. I could speak a thousand, or compose beautiful symphonies (fat chance though, I don't have much of an interest in that) or whatever, but when I'm having a bad day, they aren't going to put their arm around me and cheer me up.
I haven't stayed in very good touch with a few people: Maren, Dylon, Judith, for example. I'm not going to go through lists tonight, but even if I don't say your name, I still think of you, Ily and Elena, for example.
Not all of this is my fault, but if I haven't been making a good effort, I apologize. But on the other hand, I'm not going to fret over it. I can only try so far, and the rest is up to the others. I can't rule people's lives for them, the way I think they should live it. I've tried it before, and it's a selfish, ugly thing to do. What I want to do now is try to be a kind person when they need one, if they should happen to open up to me.
I skipped my German homework last night, and instead drank some beers and had a barbecue with my roommates and some friends. It fuckin kicked ass, I dare say. This semester I'm sick of a lot of bullshit. I'm sick of classes, and stressing over my classes in Germany is now a lesson learned, because really, it turns out it didn't matter anyway. With the classes I have now, I'll get the work done, I always do, and doubtless there'll be some stress, but I'm not going to make it any worse than it is. I have to give a presentation about Germany at the end of this month, and I have been tempted to say, "I didn't go there just so I could get in front of a group of people to talk about it!! You go and have your own experiences!" Ahhh, that felt good. Now, I'm all for the spreading of knowledge, especially about other cultures, but I felt irritated that I was being told about certain things I might be expected to address. Ultimately, they might help give me some guidance, but at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I jettisoned a lot of those questions.
I give up. I have been trying to sort shit out in my life and analyze myself and figure out why this bothers me or that upsets me or why I feel like crap a lot. I can't do it on my own. I'm talking to someone now just to get a professional opinion about why I'm so tense and anxious. Why am I? I don't think it matters. I think it's because I just get obsessive and convince myself to worry or that something is the matter. Anyone else have days like that?
The last few days I have been trying to ignore a lot of things I've been worrying about, and actually I feel better now. But it's hard, it's so motherfucking hard to do. But you know, you can't win battles like this in a few days. I want the self-confidence not to worry, to believe in myself and follow my instincts, not to have that little drone in my head going "Uh-uh. I'm gonna make you doubt yourself, you cheeky little fucker" (reels me back in with fishing rod).
I am a healthy person. I just need that healthiness to grow inside of me, and plow through these weeds of confusion. But I can feel it inside of me. It's like a lantern in the fog.
I want PEACE of mind. Someone, I'm told, once drew a picture of peace being a raging waterfall with a little branch sticking out of the cliff side where the water was frothing over. On the end of the branch was a bird, just minding its own business, couldn't-be-bothered. I want to be like that. I can't control the world, but I want to be at peace with myself, and I'm working really hard at it. Ironically, it's like something you have to work really hard at not working really hard at. If you work too hard at it, you stress at finding peace. Maybe it's kinda like the Tao.
If you pray, give me your prayers. (Or if you have money, give me your cash, I'll take that too! :-P)
Hope things are going well. I'm going to go to bed and have a nice weekend.
Yours,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 10:49 PM
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