Just Something To Say
Dear Constant Readers,
So once again I find myself about a week behind on the Note writing. It's kind of a reflection of my time here, though. I have to-do lists and somehow I feel behind on everything. Indeed, it is 1.30 AM and I finally decided to write because I really feel this is important for me to say and not procrastinate on. Maybe it's a self-discipline thing.
But in all honesty, I really don't know how to articulate the all that's happened the last few weeks. A couple of my friends here have a good idea of what I'm talking about, because they are my friends to whom I've turned for advice, and help, and for those who've confided in me for advice and help. It's simply not my stories to tell.
I will say this, the past few weeks have been anything but boring. As I was telling my friend Iona not too long ago, Berlin was a turning point for me, in my life I think, although, with many things, you don't really recognize the significance of something at the time. I actually find that very appropriate. Few cities have had the importance that Berlin has probably had in the last century: namely it was the symbolic city upon which some much hinged between to idealisms. Granted that sounds a bit corny, but I'm tired (which apparently isn't an excuse...but eh) and that doesn't lessen the importance anyway.
For me, the turning point was when I decided to walk into it alone and find Anna. I once heard in the sunscreen song that one should every day do something that scares you. I haven't done that *everyday* but I have tried to meet challenges more head-on. And I've tried to think more clearly about life and life's choices. I've found that some of my views and opinions have changed, some lightly, and some more radically, but hopefully for the better. When I lived in Mexico, I always wanted to become a better person. I didn't know what that meant, but I believed that there is always room for improvement. And probably that is true, but perfection is kind of a a myth, I've found.
But as I've said a few notes back, I decided to take a more active role in living my life. I'm reading a book right now lent to me by an Australian friend called "The Battlefield of the Mind" where the author makes clear the importance of a healthy relationship with God. The tone of the book isn't really to my taste, and to be frank, I'm not a Bible-ly person at all, but from the perspective of someone spiritual, she makes some very good points, and she must be onto something, because I've been feeling heaps better since starting to read it. I feel I'm getting a little better at discerning things in my head and heart, for instance.
Now, it's not really me to get on a pedestal and do the religious song and dance, and here is no exception. But back when I first started to recover from depression, a few years ago, finding a spiritual balance was one of the most important aspects that helped heal me. I realize there is a cliche to saying this, but I believe in the difference between religion and spirituality. I'm both, but I'm not sure everyone needs to be. I cannot remember if I've said this before on my blog, but in my own opinion, and my own alone, humans are both flesh and spirit, and both must be treated well, and I also believe that a community is helpful and perhaps even necessary. Religion I think is usually a good and healthy thing, but I agree with those that say it is man-made. Therefore, I want to put my beliefs in something higher up, although, perhaps because of my upbringing, and perhaps because of some other reason I don't yet understand, I still consider myself religious, more in my own personal way.
I recently read that scientists found that the sense of morals comes from parts of the brain, and some of them thought this pointed to the evidence of the mythology of a soul. To me though, every time something have been shown to disprove the soul, or spirituality, or whatever, through scientific means, it has not really proven anything. I am a very staunch, life-long believer in science, don't get me wrong. But measuring the soul with natural sciences is akin, again in my own opinion, like measuring distance with a thermometer.
I have always felt that if there is a God who created us, than of course there will be these physical/psychological things that scientists find deep within our brains. They aren't disproving the existence of a soul or whatever, rather they are finding the radio receptors that were built within us on purpose to begin with, so to speak. Just because the body is using (just as an example, I don't know if this is true, but let's just say...) two vocal chords to speak in multiple voices simultaneously as if when a person is speaking in tongues, doesn't mean that there isn't a higher power directing him/her, it just means it's using the tools in the body that were put there in the first place.
Goodness....how on earth did I get on the subject of this? I hope I didn't come off as self-righteous, that definitely wasn't my intent. Basically, these are all my opinions and I'm not going to force them on anyone. Maybe I'm full of it, but so far it's working for me, so that's something at least in my life.
Truth be told though, I wasn't sure what all to say when I started writing this. I have a lot to do this week: packing, a few tests, and even my 22nd birthday. In 22 years I've never thrown a party, so this is my first one to throw. Today Dylon and I stocked up, and one Wednesday the the show begins. Birthdays are funny. As a little kid I counted the days down. As I got older, and presents became less important to me, I think I stopped caring about the count-down, but still I'm viewing it with new eyes: an important time with friends and acquaintances. Ideally, I'd have a small quiet deal. Last year when I turned 21 only one person was there with me, but it was still fun. However, it's my first party to throw, why not make it big? Besides, some of my friends are comfortable in larger crowds, I think.
Getting less presents, though, also reflects on the fact I just want less stuff in general. When I get home, I only want a few things: my books, my movies, my computer, and a few decorations for my apartment. At times I've looked at my room here, and even though I don't have much, sometimes I just want to take my arm and trash it all and defrag it all. Start over a bit. It's hard to get at the core of life with some much stuff blocking me, in my experience. Even when I have a place of my own, I don't want much...almost the only thing I can think of splurging on would be a home theatre system, because movies are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Ben Franklin allegedly said it was beer, and I'll give him some credit, a pity credit since they didn't have movies back in his day, but if they did, I think he'd change his tune a bit. (The other splurge episode would be my language books, but that goes without saying.)
I go home in a couple of weeks, literally. I really dislike the university system in Germany, and miss my small tiny university at home, but I love Germany, and if someone were to offer me a full-ride in America or a full-ride in Germany, I might opt to stay here, just for the culture that I've fallen in love with. I love America, too, but sometimes I think people view citizenship a bit like being in a country-club, and forget that without the flesh and blood people, there'd be no clubs. Also, I just like some of the aspects of Europe more than America...universal health care for example.
I don't want to go home, but it's inevitable, and because it is, part of me just wants to go home and get it over with. Get these tests over with. Get the packing over with, and get picking up my deposits and all this all over with. Get over with this unseasonably dreary weather (which has mostly cleared up for the last few days). It feels like October, which is actually my favorite month, but I was in the mood for July. Still, because our rooms don't have AC, I will try not to complain. But a blue sky here and there is very nice to see.
At the moment, I cannot think of much else to say. I wanted to write for the 4th, but it didn't come to pass. I guess I'll just end it here because I've been writing for almost an hour and still have a lot to do tomorrow.
I hope all is well!
Sincerely,
Tristan
So once again I find myself about a week behind on the Note writing. It's kind of a reflection of my time here, though. I have to-do lists and somehow I feel behind on everything. Indeed, it is 1.30 AM and I finally decided to write because I really feel this is important for me to say and not procrastinate on. Maybe it's a self-discipline thing.
But in all honesty, I really don't know how to articulate the all that's happened the last few weeks. A couple of my friends here have a good idea of what I'm talking about, because they are my friends to whom I've turned for advice, and help, and for those who've confided in me for advice and help. It's simply not my stories to tell.
I will say this, the past few weeks have been anything but boring. As I was telling my friend Iona not too long ago, Berlin was a turning point for me, in my life I think, although, with many things, you don't really recognize the significance of something at the time. I actually find that very appropriate. Few cities have had the importance that Berlin has probably had in the last century: namely it was the symbolic city upon which some much hinged between to idealisms. Granted that sounds a bit corny, but I'm tired (which apparently isn't an excuse...but eh) and that doesn't lessen the importance anyway.
For me, the turning point was when I decided to walk into it alone and find Anna. I once heard in the sunscreen song that one should every day do something that scares you. I haven't done that *everyday* but I have tried to meet challenges more head-on. And I've tried to think more clearly about life and life's choices. I've found that some of my views and opinions have changed, some lightly, and some more radically, but hopefully for the better. When I lived in Mexico, I always wanted to become a better person. I didn't know what that meant, but I believed that there is always room for improvement. And probably that is true, but perfection is kind of a a myth, I've found.
But as I've said a few notes back, I decided to take a more active role in living my life. I'm reading a book right now lent to me by an Australian friend called "The Battlefield of the Mind" where the author makes clear the importance of a healthy relationship with God. The tone of the book isn't really to my taste, and to be frank, I'm not a Bible-ly person at all, but from the perspective of someone spiritual, she makes some very good points, and she must be onto something, because I've been feeling heaps better since starting to read it. I feel I'm getting a little better at discerning things in my head and heart, for instance.
Now, it's not really me to get on a pedestal and do the religious song and dance, and here is no exception. But back when I first started to recover from depression, a few years ago, finding a spiritual balance was one of the most important aspects that helped heal me. I realize there is a cliche to saying this, but I believe in the difference between religion and spirituality. I'm both, but I'm not sure everyone needs to be. I cannot remember if I've said this before on my blog, but in my own opinion, and my own alone, humans are both flesh and spirit, and both must be treated well, and I also believe that a community is helpful and perhaps even necessary. Religion I think is usually a good and healthy thing, but I agree with those that say it is man-made. Therefore, I want to put my beliefs in something higher up, although, perhaps because of my upbringing, and perhaps because of some other reason I don't yet understand, I still consider myself religious, more in my own personal way.
I recently read that scientists found that the sense of morals comes from parts of the brain, and some of them thought this pointed to the evidence of the mythology of a soul. To me though, every time something have been shown to disprove the soul, or spirituality, or whatever, through scientific means, it has not really proven anything. I am a very staunch, life-long believer in science, don't get me wrong. But measuring the soul with natural sciences is akin, again in my own opinion, like measuring distance with a thermometer.
I have always felt that if there is a God who created us, than of course there will be these physical/psychological things that scientists find deep within our brains. They aren't disproving the existence of a soul or whatever, rather they are finding the radio receptors that were built within us on purpose to begin with, so to speak. Just because the body is using (just as an example, I don't know if this is true, but let's just say...) two vocal chords to speak in multiple voices simultaneously as if when a person is speaking in tongues, doesn't mean that there isn't a higher power directing him/her, it just means it's using the tools in the body that were put there in the first place.
Goodness....how on earth did I get on the subject of this? I hope I didn't come off as self-righteous, that definitely wasn't my intent. Basically, these are all my opinions and I'm not going to force them on anyone. Maybe I'm full of it, but so far it's working for me, so that's something at least in my life.
Truth be told though, I wasn't sure what all to say when I started writing this. I have a lot to do this week: packing, a few tests, and even my 22nd birthday. In 22 years I've never thrown a party, so this is my first one to throw. Today Dylon and I stocked up, and one Wednesday the the show begins. Birthdays are funny. As a little kid I counted the days down. As I got older, and presents became less important to me, I think I stopped caring about the count-down, but still I'm viewing it with new eyes: an important time with friends and acquaintances. Ideally, I'd have a small quiet deal. Last year when I turned 21 only one person was there with me, but it was still fun. However, it's my first party to throw, why not make it big? Besides, some of my friends are comfortable in larger crowds, I think.
Getting less presents, though, also reflects on the fact I just want less stuff in general. When I get home, I only want a few things: my books, my movies, my computer, and a few decorations for my apartment. At times I've looked at my room here, and even though I don't have much, sometimes I just want to take my arm and trash it all and defrag it all. Start over a bit. It's hard to get at the core of life with some much stuff blocking me, in my experience. Even when I have a place of my own, I don't want much...almost the only thing I can think of splurging on would be a home theatre system, because movies are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Ben Franklin allegedly said it was beer, and I'll give him some credit, a pity credit since they didn't have movies back in his day, but if they did, I think he'd change his tune a bit. (The other splurge episode would be my language books, but that goes without saying.)
I go home in a couple of weeks, literally. I really dislike the university system in Germany, and miss my small tiny university at home, but I love Germany, and if someone were to offer me a full-ride in America or a full-ride in Germany, I might opt to stay here, just for the culture that I've fallen in love with. I love America, too, but sometimes I think people view citizenship a bit like being in a country-club, and forget that without the flesh and blood people, there'd be no clubs. Also, I just like some of the aspects of Europe more than America...universal health care for example.
I don't want to go home, but it's inevitable, and because it is, part of me just wants to go home and get it over with. Get these tests over with. Get the packing over with, and get picking up my deposits and all this all over with. Get over with this unseasonably dreary weather (which has mostly cleared up for the last few days). It feels like October, which is actually my favorite month, but I was in the mood for July. Still, because our rooms don't have AC, I will try not to complain. But a blue sky here and there is very nice to see.
At the moment, I cannot think of much else to say. I wanted to write for the 4th, but it didn't come to pass. I guess I'll just end it here because I've been writing for almost an hour and still have a lot to do tomorrow.
I hope all is well!
Sincerely,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 4:30 PM
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