Back Home

Dear Constant Readers,

As it is, I'm back in America, after a long trip back from Germany through Canada, just like the old explorers.

This is the second time I've tried to write an entry on my blog here, but the internet at our home went kerplunk, and dare I say what happened to my laptop's wireless? I dare: NOTHING! Now that we installed wireless at home (which lasted a grand total of two days) I learned that my wireless is still broken on my computer, which prevents me from taking to to the local coffee shop to connect and catch up with my friends I made during the last year.

But I just found a computer at my dad's office, so I'm back writing a blog, which is what I really wanted to do for those of you who are looking forward to hearing from me again (a couple of you have already sent me messages regarding this).

Now that the backstory is done, I'll get to the main story:

My last day in Germany started out quite confusing and a bit stressful. About a month ago I put a lot of money onto my cellphone, so I wouldn't run out before I needed it to, for any old thing. As the days were winding down, it learned that that was a wise move, but even so, when things got done to only a Euro or two, I started to get nervous, since I still had people I wanted to contact to say good-bye to, and only a limited amount of phone power. To make matters worse, my battery was already dying, and my charger was packed.

Packing seemed to be a never-ending process, and as I finally finished, just a while before I was start to check out of my room and go to friend's appartment with some other friends, one of the suitcases' zipper broke. So I taped up the break and hoped all my clothes and German wine wouldn't go spilling all over the airplane's belly like a ruptured spleen.

After all that was taken care of, I met a few friends: Elena, Alicia, and Julia (Italy, Austraila, and Germany, respectively) in town and we all went to a caffee. I also wanted to say good bye to William, from Belgium, but he was late meeting his group, so I figured I wouldn't get a chance to see him, either.

The person I really wanted to say good-bye to, however, was Iona. Indeed, we had planned to hang out all night, but she had fallen ill, which caused me to change all of my plans only a day or so before. However, she sent me a message saying she was taking some medication, and that I could come over to her dorm for a little while and have dinner with her and her boyfriend.

I dropped off my left-over supplies she requested (cleaning material, mostly) and gave her some T-Shirts of mine as gifts that she wanted. We talked for a while, and I ran into William and got my chance to say good-bye to him (as well as have a three-way theological/philosophical discussion between him, Iona, and myself) and then Iona, her boyfriend Herman, and I all had chicken and rice for dinner. In the process of this, I found a charger for my phone, and got to use Iona's cell phone to call Paz, whom I was staying with, to let him know I'd be over soon.

But Iona and I didn't really want to say good-bye to one another, and it proved very difficult to get away from one another. But it was during this moment when I hugged her that I realized, considering everything I was stressed out about, everything in the day worked out, not exactly as I had planned, but things turned out fine, still. In some ways, even better than I had expected. At it was proof once again, to me at least, that things will work out.

I made a few very close friends during the year in Germany, and Iona was certainly one of them. I don't really believe in ranking good friends: X is a better friend than Y, because the situations are different. Sometimes it is clear-cut, with some people you are just closer to. But in other cases, one person is the best and closest friend I have, while at the same time, another person also fits that very description. I think that's just how the human heart works: I think there is usually one person you'd go to first, but there are times when you need to go to someone else you trust and love as much as well. To those people whom I love, thank you for everything. Even to those who I wasn't as close to, I still value that relationship we made. Sometimes even if that relationship was reciprocated in our very twisted sense of humour! :-P

I got very little sleep that night, because I was on a couch that was half as long as I am tall, and I kept knocking over stacked boxes at the foot of it, which sounded like thunder everytime they fell.

But I made it to the bus on time, and Elena was waiting for me to see me off, which I appreciated.

Anna and I caught the bus to Frankfurt, and at the airport said good bye to one another. From there on out, it is very uneventful for me until I got home. On the plane I watched "The Hunt for Red October" and "Children of Men" and in Montreal, I had a 16 hour layover, which I was *not* happy about at all, but in the interest of exhaustion, and not wanting to get lost in the city, I stayed in the airport instead of sight-seeing. I bought a book by Stephen King ("Everything's Eventual") and watched two movies: one was "American Psycho" which Dylon bought me for my birthday. Actually, I was very nervous to see the movie, and I don't like disturbing movies, but I was very pleased to see this movie wasn't nearly as tough as I thought it would be, in fact I was quite happy to see, despite being very very dark, it also was a very amusing comedy (which is not to say I want to watch it very often). The other movie was "Twister", a classic in my book.

I got two hours of sleep (only one good one) but they made a world of difference. I got on the plane at 8.35 and got home around noon in Denver.

I was 30 minutes early, so my family wasn't there when I arrived, and I was happy to see them when they showed up, since I had no way to contact them short of a pay phone.

I was happy to see them, but didn't feel that great rush of joy to go rushing towards them. I think that is just a testament to how happy I was to be in Germany, and on some ways, how independent I've become since I started traveling when I was 16. I still love them, and always will, but I've become one to blaze my own trails, I think.

Also, America is my home, but so is Germany, and I think I'll have more homes before I get called home to Glory. At the moment, I would rather have stayed in Germany just a little while longer.

Being home is not as strange as I had anticipiated it to be, but then again, I didn't anticipate it to be too odd, at all. I am a bit disappointed to see that hearing English everywhere isn't as novel as I had hoped. But then, I guess I adapt to languages quickly, anyway.

So far I've only seen one friend, Evan, since getting back. To be honest, I'm actually very nervous to see my old friends again. I'm nervous to see what has become of us, and where do we pick up, and have we changed so much that we are strangers. Are these groundless fears? Most likely so. But nevertheless, they are bugging me at some level. That is the most surrealistic part of coming home for me.

I'm back into my languages, like I said I would, although I'm a bit unsure as to how to go about it all. I'm reading some short stuff in German, as well as reading a book about the Maya in Spanish, but I am starting to feel like I'm being washed over it all like a man in an itty bitty rowboat in a storm. I'm dying to get to French and Norwegian, but I don't know if I can do it. I need to get to Esperanto to, but it is also proving a challange.

Tomorrow we leave to Estes Park, Colorado for a few days. Mom hopes it will be a good break for us. I kind of would like to stay at home, but as I'm not doing much right now, getting to the mountains could be nice. I guess I'm just a little burned out on backpacking at the moment, and when she said we are doing that, that's what entered my mind.

Well, I need to wrap this up and then lock the office up, since I'm here alone. But I hope everyone is doing fine, especially those of you who've just gotten home.

I would name everyone I miss, but it would be too many names, and you know who you are.

Everyone take care, and have a good rest of your summer.

Til the next time I write (or hear from you),
Tristan

Germany: The Last Days

Dear Constant Readers,

So we've come to it at last. These are my last few days in Germany. On Tuesday morning I'll be flying home, spending an overnight layover in Canada, and then continuing onward to the USA.

Almost all of my loose ends have been tied up. I've sent back a few boxes of stuff I've accumulated over the year, I've closed my bank account here, I'm done with school here, and I've said goodbye to a few people.

What now remains is to just finish packing and clean up, move out to Iona's for the night, and then catch the bus to Frankfurt.

Not one minute of this year has been wasted for me. Even though I've been depressed a few times, and my blog has not always been depicting the most wonderful side of things, this year has been rewarding for me on so many levels. I've learned a lot about myself, and have been both happy and shocked at some of it from time to time.

I've mastered a new language, my third, and am looking forward to mastering a few more in the coming year, as I've written on and on about I'm sure.

The truth is, I don't really want to go home. I suppose if someone offered to give me a full-ride in America, or take care of things here for me (education is considerably cheaper) I'd give some thought to staying here. There's a lot that Germany has I think that I wish America had, especially in the social care department.

I will say though, that if I ever have kids, they will not go to college here, that has been one thing I have not been impressed with, and will not miss at all. Everyone usually goes for their own system, but here I've personally found it to be not so great. That might be a personal thing though: I hate large lecture-style classes, which is what we have here in Trier.

That all said, I will be glad to see my friends and family again. Part of me is ready to move on, and that will certainly be the case when everyone I know here is moved on as well. But it hasn't sunk in quite yet.

I find myself a bit unsure of what all to say. Once again, the week has been a real rollarcoaster.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had my 22nd birthday. It was the first party I had ever thrown actually, and some friends of mine, namely Dylon and Iona, came through for me to help me figure out some of the finer points like food and music.

Ultimately it was a success and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I had guests from America, England, Mexico, Germany, Australia, Russia, Armenia, St. Lucia (in the Caribbean), Italy, and I'm trying to think if I left anyone out, but I can't think so. And my first week as a 22-year-old has really been a hell of a week. I think though in a good way.

I'm trying to keep the optimistic demeanor I had the last time I wrote. I'm finding this: the world works out, even if it acts like it won't. People say the world is something crazy sometimes, and "things are like that in the real world". Maybe they are right, perhaps they are, but I think that more often than not, things will still be OK, even in the worst situations.

There is a game about shapes, and the story goes as follows: Once a man dropped a square tile, and it fell and broke into seven differently shaped pieces. In the course of attempting to repair the tile to its original square shape, the man accidently created dozens of other images from these pieces.

I think life can be like that. The goals you have set in mind, or how you think things should be, are not the only possibilities, nor are they even the best possibilities. Sometimes the best ones have yet to be seen, however. Even in a situation where things seem incredibly grim, good can still come from it. Things can still be learned or discovered. It isn't the end of the world. And often, things are not as bad as they seem, anyway.

Everyone has made mistakes from time to time. And everyone has had things go wrong. Life is not about mistakes and having things go wrong. Life is really just a game anyway. Things get thrown at you, how do you deal with them? It's a mental game of sorts, perhaps.

Life is a gift, and people fuck up, and I'm glad to be part of them. I believe in something better, but for now, even though the human race is capable of the most horrific unjust bullshit ever, where else where you also find the capcitiy of such creativity and compassion in the known universe? Our choices are for the time being unlimited (unless some advanced civilization visits us one day, but until then, who cares?). Yet there is something enduring about how people act. Most of them make mistakes and think about them later. People are not evil, sometimes they just screw up, and sometimes on really large scales.

I don't really know what else to say now. Whenever I've needed help, I've usually found it's there to be had. And I've become a lot less worriesome after finally discovering these things that I've just written about. I'm not packed yet? Eh, it's getting there. It's not like I'm being a lazy ass and hoping things'll just come together, indeed I am working on it, but things will come together if I give them a nudge and let them. And I'm glad about that.

Originally I was going to stop writing this as soon as my trip ended. I would write one more once I got home, and then I would call it quits. However, a friend of mine requested that I keep writing in it, and actually, I've found I really have gotten attached to writing in it, at least for the time being, so I might just end up doing that for a while. I don't know how often I'll write, but maybe I'll come back to it from time to time. I intend to, but I'm sure I'll be far more busy next year than I have been this past year.

So, without further ado, I bid you all a good evening (anyway, it is here) and I hope all is well. Until the next entry...

Sincerely,
Tristan

Just Something To Say

Dear Constant Readers,

So once again I find myself about a week behind on the Note writing. It's kind of a reflection of my time here, though. I have to-do lists and somehow I feel behind on everything. Indeed, it is 1.30 AM and I finally decided to write because I really feel this is important for me to say and not procrastinate on. Maybe it's a self-discipline thing.

But in all honesty, I really don't know how to articulate the all that's happened the last few weeks. A couple of my friends here have a good idea of what I'm talking about, because they are my friends to whom I've turned for advice, and help, and for those who've confided in me for advice and help. It's simply not my stories to tell.

I will say this, the past few weeks have been anything but boring. As I was telling my friend Iona not too long ago, Berlin was a turning point for me, in my life I think, although, with many things, you don't really recognize the significance of something at the time. I actually find that very appropriate. Few cities have had the importance that Berlin has probably had in the last century: namely it was the symbolic city upon which some much hinged between to idealisms. Granted that sounds a bit corny, but I'm tired (which apparently isn't an excuse...but eh) and that doesn't lessen the importance anyway.

For me, the turning point was when I decided to walk into it alone and find Anna. I once heard in the sunscreen song that one should every day do something that scares you. I haven't done that *everyday* but I have tried to meet challenges more head-on. And I've tried to think more clearly about life and life's choices. I've found that some of my views and opinions have changed, some lightly, and some more radically, but hopefully for the better. When I lived in Mexico, I always wanted to become a better person. I didn't know what that meant, but I believed that there is always room for improvement. And probably that is true, but perfection is kind of a a myth, I've found.

But as I've said a few notes back, I decided to take a more active role in living my life. I'm reading a book right now lent to me by an Australian friend called "The Battlefield of the Mind" where the author makes clear the importance of a healthy relationship with God. The tone of the book isn't really to my taste, and to be frank, I'm not a Bible-ly person at all, but from the perspective of someone spiritual, she makes some very good points, and she must be onto something, because I've been feeling heaps better since starting to read it. I feel I'm getting a little better at discerning things in my head and heart, for instance.

Now, it's not really me to get on a pedestal and do the religious song and dance, and here is no exception. But back when I first started to recover from depression, a few years ago, finding a spiritual balance was one of the most important aspects that helped heal me. I realize there is a cliche to saying this, but I believe in the difference between religion and spirituality. I'm both, but I'm not sure everyone needs to be. I cannot remember if I've said this before on my blog, but in my own opinion, and my own alone, humans are both flesh and spirit, and both must be treated well, and I also believe that a community is helpful and perhaps even necessary. Religion I think is usually a good and healthy thing, but I agree with those that say it is man-made. Therefore, I want to put my beliefs in something higher up, although, perhaps because of my upbringing, and perhaps because of some other reason I don't yet understand, I still consider myself religious, more in my own personal way.

I recently read that scientists found that the sense of morals comes from parts of the brain, and some of them thought this pointed to the evidence of the mythology of a soul. To me though, every time something have been shown to disprove the soul, or spirituality, or whatever, through scientific means, it has not really proven anything. I am a very staunch, life-long believer in science, don't get me wrong. But measuring the soul with natural sciences is akin, again in my own opinion, like measuring distance with a thermometer.

I have always felt that if there is a God who created us, than of course there will be these physical/psychological things that scientists find deep within our brains. They aren't disproving the existence of a soul or whatever, rather they are finding the radio receptors that were built within us on purpose to begin with, so to speak. Just because the body is using (just as an example, I don't know if this is true, but let's just say...) two vocal chords to speak in multiple voices simultaneously as if when a person is speaking in tongues, doesn't mean that there isn't a higher power directing him/her, it just means it's using the tools in the body that were put there in the first place.

Goodness....how on earth did I get on the subject of this? I hope I didn't come off as self-righteous, that definitely wasn't my intent. Basically, these are all my opinions and I'm not going to force them on anyone. Maybe I'm full of it, but so far it's working for me, so that's something at least in my life.

Truth be told though, I wasn't sure what all to say when I started writing this. I have a lot to do this week: packing, a few tests, and even my 22nd birthday. In 22 years I've never thrown a party, so this is my first one to throw. Today Dylon and I stocked up, and one Wednesday the the show begins. Birthdays are funny. As a little kid I counted the days down. As I got older, and presents became less important to me, I think I stopped caring about the count-down, but still I'm viewing it with new eyes: an important time with friends and acquaintances. Ideally, I'd have a small quiet deal. Last year when I turned 21 only one person was there with me, but it was still fun. However, it's my first party to throw, why not make it big? Besides, some of my friends are comfortable in larger crowds, I think.

Getting less presents, though, also reflects on the fact I just want less stuff in general. When I get home, I only want a few things: my books, my movies, my computer, and a few decorations for my apartment. At times I've looked at my room here, and even though I don't have much, sometimes I just want to take my arm and trash it all and defrag it all. Start over a bit. It's hard to get at the core of life with some much stuff blocking me, in my experience. Even when I have a place of my own, I don't want much...almost the only thing I can think of splurging on would be a home theatre system, because movies are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Ben Franklin allegedly said it was beer, and I'll give him some credit, a pity credit since they didn't have movies back in his day, but if they did, I think he'd change his tune a bit. (The other splurge episode would be my language books, but that goes without saying.)

I go home in a couple of weeks, literally. I really dislike the university system in Germany, and miss my small tiny university at home, but I love Germany, and if someone were to offer me a full-ride in America or a full-ride in Germany, I might opt to stay here, just for the culture that I've fallen in love with. I love America, too, but sometimes I think people view citizenship a bit like being in a country-club, and forget that without the flesh and blood people, there'd be no clubs. Also, I just like some of the aspects of Europe more than America...universal health care for example.

I don't want to go home, but it's inevitable, and because it is, part of me just wants to go home and get it over with. Get these tests over with. Get the packing over with, and get picking up my deposits and all this all over with. Get over with this unseasonably dreary weather (which has mostly cleared up for the last few days). It feels like October, which is actually my favorite month, but I was in the mood for July. Still, because our rooms don't have AC, I will try not to complain. But a blue sky here and there is very nice to see.

At the moment, I cannot think of much else to say. I wanted to write for the 4th, but it didn't come to pass. I guess I'll just end it here because I've been writing for almost an hour and still have a lot to do tomorrow.

I hope all is well!

Sincerely,
Tristan