From Under the Night Sky

Dear Constant Readers,

I just realized that my Facebook seems to be importing my posts again, so I'll stop copying and pasting, as it has been leading for a long time to double-posting.

I find it curious that I often write when I am in a slump, as I have been for the past few days. I don't know what is causing it, but I have some ideas. I quit my job on Friday to get ready to move home again. From there, I'll spend a month and a half with my parents before I leave for Peru to begin my next job in mid-September. I guess that can be a cause of stress in life. Positive stress, called eurstress or something like that, but it can also be the source of anxiety. But I've been through anxiety before, and I know I will make it through this. I said in my prayers the other day, in a form of gratitude, that I look forward to the challenges in life, to being tried and growing, somehow like a fresh breeze that blasts away dead skin that is just weighing you down and so you can continue on with life with a revitalization about you. But that process is not always an easy one, and sometimes I find myself in melancholy for a week or so.

To be honest, I am an optimist, even though I may not always sound like it. But I think it is a quiet and reflective optimism. I am scared about going to Peru...The "freaking out" stage hasn't set in...no no, that's not for a few weeks yet...but I am apprehensive....will I like my job?...will I hate it and fall into a pit of depression and isolation?...and what will I do later?

Yet above all this, I realize this: I will have trials, I have trials everyday, just like you, but I can't live in fear of them? I might really struggle in Peru. At the very least it will be challenging, even if I decide to totally go native. But I have to go. I have to go to Peru. Were it another situation it might be like I have to go to grad school. I have to apply for that job (or quit that job). I have to make that move in a relationship. We all have optional obligations we have the free will of being obligated to do.

If there is one thing I can say about being kind of emotionally down, it's that I am more reflective in it. But the danger is also that I can be too self-absorbed, to fixated on the "what if's" that we are all prone to. My thing is that I think I have just as much figured out as most people, which isn't a heck of a lot...but everyone else acts like they have things figured out better and so therefore I feel helpless and wonder why I'm not "getting it."

We all put on different faces. A long time ago I had a discussion about masks people wear throughout their life. A different mask for a different situation. At the time, I was extremely disturbed because I felt like it was being deceived. But ultimately we all have to handle ourselves in this imperfect world, and we have to play different roles. I don't know how I feel about masks, but maybe when a person is wearing a mask, they aren't necessarily trying to deceive you at all, but instead just trying to play the role that is appropriate.

Anyways, being reflective all the time can be a bit like wallowing. For me, I wish I could pull out of these slumps more easily. When I'm in them, it's hard to be as energetic as I'd like to be, but I guess it's how I'm wired, and I am trying to weave that into my life or handle it in some other way that is constructive, but not stew and become a sad philosopher. Life is too beautiful to do that crap. And it is beautiful. I'm reading a book now that is challenging the way I think about a few things, and one of the things I am discovering is that I believe in a universal Truth, upon which all truths are based on. I haven't thought the ramifications to their logical ends, nor do I exactly follow or agree with everything the author puts forth, but I believe there is a solid thing that is under our figurative feet. (Besides, even if you don't believe in a universal truth, and that everyone has their own "That is true for you, but the opposite is true for me, so let's agree to disagree" then the foundation of this philosophy, this table that the marbles roll around on, seems to me to be a basis of some universal truth of acknowledgment of some kind).

The book has suggested that a fulfilled, good life comes from giving rather than seeking out happiness or power. Our material world counters this, and I have nothing against material things, but they can be distracting. I realized this purpose a long time ago, and wrote about it in my blog, when I said that people were meant to help one another, that they have built in capabilities to heal just by touching someone who is suffering from a pain or anxiety. I've never heard of a culture where the people, even the notorious ones, weren't capable of affection to at least someone.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight. I'll try to write more regularly, and I always appreciate comments back. Thank you all for reading, and to my close friends that I've spoken with, when I've said I love you, believe me, I do mean it, and I wish the best for you.

Hope all is well,
Tristan

Happy Fourth of July

Dear Constant Readers,

I felt it was time to write you a message, as I haven't written in a long time. That isn't to say I've had nothing to say. But as time has gone on, I haven't been as devoted to the more regular writings I used to do. I've even stopped writing in my personal diary so often, which may be something that I'll come to regret.

But oh well. I am at home for the weekend, celebrating Independence Day with my family, and enjoying some time off. My time at our apartment is coming to an end this July, and then I'll be moving home for a little bit over a month. I was recently accepted by the Peace Corps to work in Peru doing Water and Sanitation work, which I'm happy about. I don't know that much about the work I'll be doing, but I was told it would involve construction, so to make up for my severe lack of construction experience, I've been spending Saturdays volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, where we help build homes for people who don't have a home. I'm finding that although the skills I'm learning are good, I won't want to do construction for a living. But that doesn't really surprise me. I think it'll be good for me, however, to try something new.

Maybe something new is what I really need at the moment. I set out to learn French earlier this summer, but ended up running out of gas. It scared me that I might be losing my passion for languages, and I sincerely hope that won't be the case. I think the truth is though, I just am not as enthusiastic about certain languages as others. I've told people before, you don't choose the language, it chooses you. And really, in a way I think that's true. You don't choose something so much as you find it fits you. French, Italian, Spanish, and so forth, beautiful and soulful languages though they are, and ones I do want to learn (or improve my knowledge of) they simply aren't what attracts me to linguistics. I am more excited by exotic languages that look nothing like what I am familiar with, such as Navajo or Indonesian, or ones that feel very earthy to me, namely German and Norwegian.

I doubt I'll lose my passion for languages when I still get plenty of enjoyment out of simply leafing through grammar books and bilingual texts. But this has made me realize A) I need to be well-balanced and B) I'm not sure I want to go into linguistics professionally, as I was beginning to think I might.

I'd like to hear what anyone has to say about this.

Do I disclose to much on this blog? Sometimes I think so. I've mentioned this before, but I think I'm still learning the art of how to speak about one's self without putting all the cards on the table. I believe in honesty, have recently been made to consider that I come across much to strongly. Some of my friends know practically everything about me, while other close friends I can still confide in, but I think that it is wiser to avoid some subjects. I think we are all like that sometimes, though.

But I'm really lucky in the friends that I've made. I'm not going to list names, but you probably know who you are. A lot of you I haven't seen in several months anyway, and I want you to know that even though the dynamics have perhaps changed, I still miss you and am proud to be your friend. No matter what side of the country/ocean/planet you may be on.

It's actually late here now, so I think this would be a good time to stop. I'll write again eventually, and hopefully will have some access to Internet while in Peru, because I plan on maintaining my blog while living there.

Till then!

Hope all is well,
Tristan