Home for Spring Break

Dear Constant Readers,

I have made it safely home for Spring Break. My plans are as follows: lots of homework and studying. I have two theses to write, and one of them will be in German. Thankfully, they are about the same topic, so by doing research for one, I am in fact doing it for both of them simultaneously. For those of you who may be interested (if I didn't state it earlier) my topic is "Die Vergangenheitsbewältigung Deutschlands wie mit deutsche Films gesehen" ("Germany's coming to terms with its past as seen through German cinema") and so I have several books to go through (as with most kinds of research, of course) but I also get to watch a slew of German movies, which is actually fun, and incidentally I just finished the first one ("Europa Europa") a little while ago. It's funny, but watching a movie in German does more than anything else (short of going to Germany) to get my mind back into German mode. I can still feel the sounds resonating through my jaws and teeth when I speak the language and imitate their accents. It's like savoring a delicious meal, to speak a language well. That's how it feels to me, at least.

But that's not what I really wanted to write about. Lord knows I'll be doing enough writing for my theses as it is.

I am at a confusing point in my life, and I don't know where to go. In my family I was raised Catholic, but I don't feel some of the Catholic values so strongly anymore. For example, my Mom seemed disappointed when I told her that for Lent I still ate meat on Fridays. That's a small example, but for me, really, a lot of it doesn't seem so important anymore. I still regard myself as a Christian, but as far as a denomination goes, I don't see it as so critical. At yet at the same time it makes me feel a bit empty inside. Catholic traditions seems too conservative for me, but I haven't found something that I'm happier with.

And I don't understand why I am rebelling against a lot of what I grew up with. Rebel is perhaps too strong of a word for a lot of it, but I'm a lot more stiff-necked and reluctant to agree with them a lot of items, and while speaking about this with my Mom, she didn't think that all of my reasons were the best, but rather I was rebelling just for the sake of it. But I'm trying to figure out where I stand in life. Or am I just being reckless? Actually I sort of forget about this when I come home, how these conversations with my parents can go. For most of my life I've held many Catholic values dear to my heart, but part of me wanted to see what else is out there.

It seems like I would have decided this all already, but I haven't all of it. I'm just confused by a lot of it instead.

I'm not trying to portray myself as someone who hasn't yet cut the apron strings. In some ways I'm not yet completely independent of my family, but there's a bond of communication that I don't ever want to lose. I talk to my friends the best I can, and my parents do not make my decisions for me (although often I do discuss troubling issues extensively with them), rather it's my parents that in many ways remain my most solid anchor for tough times....I guess it's just a tie back to the family. I can go and live abroad for a year or longer, but I still feel that bond. Yet about this it's hard for me to talk about because I feel that my life is taking me in a different direction, at least for a little bit, and I feel that I will follow it, but it also makes me sad at the same time. I guess, though I should be happy to have friends I can talk to as well as family.

It's like my young self is now as distant as a photograph sometimes. I have nothing against Catholics (or any religion or religious denomination), I'm just simply looking for what's right for me, and I ask myself, what am I trying to prove? And who am I seeking the approval of?

Hope all is well,
Tristan