The first post of November

Dear Constant Readers,

Normally I write on Tuesday like I've mentioned before, however since I wrote last Thursday and didn't want to wait for the next Tuesday to roll around, I'll write today, Wednesday.

If you are so inclined, you can now read my blog here at http://tristan85.blogspot.com/ rather than at Facebook. It makes no difference to me, or perhaps to you either, since the messages are completely the same. But now you have the power to choose. Choose away! And if you are already reading this at Blogspot, ignore this last paragraph, of course.

I've done my best to be honest in these messages. I'm trying to show not so much what living abroad is like ("Today we went here, yesterday we ate this, and we could never do this at home..." and so forth). I think those are important, and surely I will write entries that touch upon those themes. But that's not what I personally want to write about overall. I want to discuss more what living abroad does to a person, their views, their feelings, and so forth. Frankly, I could be writing this at home, in a sense. There is ultimately no difference between being in Germany, or being in Lincoln, or being anywhere else when it comes to themes of this nature. All one needs is a set of circumstances and the willingness to look at them with an open mind and heart. That is difficult to do at times, but worth it, and that is what I'm attempting to achieve.

Some people have commented via email or whatever on how frank these messages have been, and generally I've taken that all as a compliment. I always tried to be myself, but it's a gradual process to have the courage to be who you are. I learned to not give a flying leap at the moon sometime between after having arrived home from Mexico and going to college. At least that's when I started to get the courage for it. Before leaving for Mexico I was fairly quiet and not a little lonely much of the time. Maybe I changed while living there, but I don't think I did. Deep down I could see the person always there, but scared to overcome his shyness. In some ways I still am shy, but not like I used to be. I still don't like getting in front of a group of people, and sometimes I feel like I cannot speak my true mind and heart. But over all, I became far more frank in my opinions, and also tried to become more diplomatic in how I said them. Honesty is a good thing, but it must also not be handled like a cruise missle.

That said, I've become nervous at putting my blog on a public medium. As I already explained to a friend here, I put it on the public internet, so technically anyone in the world could read it. But I did not write it for just anyone...If I could close it off with a password, I would do just that. Frankly, that's the reason I wanted it on Facebook, but most of my friends here don't have Facebook, so Blogger it was. Ultimately, I guess I shouldn't be afraid of others I don't know about reading this. I'm not sure how interesting this will be to people who don't know me, and besides, they are my opinions and mine alone. Everyone who reads this will have opinions of their own, and that is how it should be.

I put this here for a few reasons: to at times vent, I admit, but also because I want others to read this. Think of it as an opinions column. These are naturally personal thoughts, but they aren't private ones. I keep another diary for that, and most of what's in there would probably not interest anyone except myself. Besides, no one's going to read that book until I'm long gone and fertilizing daisies. In the mean time, enjoy these, please. :-)

So how will I change while being here in Germany, after having the ability to look back at Mexico? I don't know. Perhaps I'll go to the other end of the spectrum and become more reserved. Perhaps not. By nature I am a trusting individual, which is both a good and troubling thing. It's easy for me to open up to most people, but not to all. And of course I don't suddenly say everything on my mind either. There are people here who I enjoy speaking with, but I still have not told anything really about me, despite having known them for a month or so. I'm not always the open book I sometimes feel like I am. I cannot predict how I'll change. Maybe the won't even be "changes" so much as "developments" in the coming into of my own self. A change sounds more like something becomes something different, but I think in many people's cases, they are becoming who they always were, deep down. I don't know, because there are millions of influences on all of us, but I think that even with all that, there's still the core individual who is (hopefully) always there, even at the end of it all. To be true to one's self is important, that goes without saying. I can think of times that I spoke what was really on my mind about something and was afraid that someone would think I was nuts or that I was being a real pain in the ass, or something, but several times I was surprised, a bit shocked, and very relieved when what I said was recieved well and contrary to what I feared, complimented for being honest. I'm not at all saying that I'm holier than thou, I have done many a screw-up, believe me. We've all been there. But what I mean is being who I am I've generally found to have far better, and sometimes surprisingly pleasing results, than when I have to act. As there are no certainties in life, this is not always the case at all, but it is enough of the time for me to believe that being who you are is generally the right course of action.

I actually don't have anything else to say tonight. I almost didn't write because of that. This was the only thing I could think of. I hope what I did write didn't go too much into the area of being silly or cheesy in its "be who you are" theme. I tried not to be so heavy-handed in it, because I myself dislike it when others get heavy-handed and harp about something.

I guess I could talk about how I'm frustrated with the German language right now, but I'm taking steps actually get out my grammar book and read it while listening to classical music (I heard that it makes the brain more attentive, I don't know if it's true or not), so I'll give it a little while longer and see how things go before deciding on whether or not to comment on it.

Anyway, to all of you who have read my blog, please be at ease if anything I've said has been upsetting at all. That is the last thing in the world I want to do to anyone. I hope that it's found you well, and I hope that you enjoy reading it, similarly how I've been surprised to learn at how much I enjoy writing it. Maybe someday I could become a weekly opinions writer. :-) Or not...I'm not concerned about it at the moment. Speaking of newspapers, I just finished writing an article for Wesleyan's paper who's title I can never spell, so I won't even try it here, but anyway, sometime in the future it will be published. It will have some of what I talked about here, but I felt a little rushed at the writing of it, so I hope it sounds well. I would rather have written one a little towards the middle or end of my trip here, because I think I would have had more general things to say about Germany itself than I do at the moment.

I have to say this though, now that school has finally started. I've met some really awesome people here, and thank God for that. That's what I ultimately wanted to do when I came here (besides learn another language). Friendship to me is the most important thing from this trip (or anything, really) and if any of you are reading this, and you know who you are, thank you thank you thank you.