Picking the Self Up

Dear Readers,

First off, I wrote an entry while at site. But I was not feeling in great spirits when I wrote it and it was kind of a downer.

A few days later when I got to the city of Piura I spoke with a friend of mine who has already finished her service and gone home. I was telling her about some of the things I was stressing over, and how I was "done" and "out of gas" and all of that. And she asked me if I really was done with Peru and Peace Corps and if I felt like I was wasting time.

Well, I don't know about that. I think sometimes I honestly feel that yes I am wasting time actually. That's not a good feeling. You're ticking life away just to get over something and on to something else. Kind of a pity.

And then I serendipitously I came across an amazingly imaginative blog written by a highly imaginative, intelligent, and artist young woman and I started to wonder how I might come by some of that energy in my life. Some carefree lightness. I don't like always being a walking analyzing computer.

And it's starting to dawn on me that there is no real combination to do things that's not wasting your life. It's your mind set. I've written about this before, but writing it down again helps me learn the lesson again. My friend told me I needed to find something to do that helped me know I wasn't going to later feel that my time in Peru was wasted time. Well, for my friendships I've made my time has not been a waste of any kind.

But my town has presented with me a challenge. Basically the challenge of precious little to do for a person like myself who likes to have lots of stimulation. I can only take so much language study, podcasts, reading, and painting at a time. Talking to people is a challenge because I quickly run out of things to talk about with them and have never been great at small talk. I teach my English classes and put together my art sessions for the kids, but while those are good for the people in town, each one reminds me that I definitely don't want to be a teacher.

But when you have to work with limited options, I think perspective makes a lot of difference. Maybe that's what my friend meant; learn to be happy with the situation, since there is so much of it I cannot change.

I will never be a chipper person. Actually it drains me when people are chipper. That's just not how I'm wired. But I do want to feel more of life, and not feel dreary and weighed down, like I'm wearing heavy layers of wet clothing in on an overcast day slogging along to a task that gives me no fulfillment. I think that's what life can be to me sometimes, and I don't mean anything specific, but just the mindset we get into. It's hard to do this, of course, when I'm reminded of all that I don't like about my job or site, and honestly there is a lot about it that bothers me. But do I have to let it rule my life anymore. I don't like rice, or being away from everyone, or a lot of other things, but do I have to continue to make enemies with where I am in life? Am I too busy fighting that to miss the beauty around me? It's hard because negativity is loud and painful and noticeable. So maybe stop fighting it actively, and just ignore it if you can't do anything about it.

So that's my blog for tonight.

One thing: I doubt I'll be posting any more photos up on Facebook now. I'm probably going to open up a photo-sharing site where my photos don't become the property of the site I'm using. Any good suggestions for photo-sharing sites? I've heard of Flickr. Any other good ones?

Here is a quote from a blog that helped make me see some reason. It's out of context, but the quote itself is positive as it stands alone:

"I woke up really early on Wednesday morning for no reason. In retrospect, I can see it was probably my body's way of telling me that I might die later that day, so I better get the hell up and start enjoying the shit out of life." - Allie Brosh

And a shout-out to Patrick, because I know he always is asking if I mentioned him in my blog. So Patrick. Patrick Patrick Patrick. There, kid. You should be sitting well for a while. :-P

Take care, all.
Tristan

Oh, and a shout out to Patrick, because I know he always is asking if I mentioned him in my blog. So Patrick. Patrick Patrick Patrick. There, kid. You should be sitting well for a while. :-P