A Meditation on Frustrations
Originally Written October 29, 2009
Dear Readers,
I’ve been trying to write something to this effect for a while, but have had a hard time forming it. However, while writing an email, a lot of thoughts came to me, and I’d like to share them.
For starters, right now I’m rather irritated, to be honest. Peace Corps isn’t a vacation, and I never thought it would be. In fact, despite talking to recruiters, reading about it, going to the website, I never really had a good idea what Peace Corps ultimately did. And actually, in some ways I like of still don’t. Peace Corps seems to be life condensed: there are just so many ways to interpret it. And you can have so many plans that seem to give meaning to it, only to have something fuck it to bits. So where is the meaning? Did you just get screwed out of it? Or do we place assign meaning too often to the wrong things? Don’t read the rest of this expecting answers. But I do think that we are putting life in a box too often when that’s kind of like trying to put sunshine in a box. It fills the box, but it also fills everything else outside of the box. The minute we put it in a box and seal it, it might not become the opposite of life the way darkness becomes the opposite of light, but it still isn’t the real thing. It’s just a misapplied label, this boxed definition. Quite honestly, I don’t really any longer expect all that much to get done in my town. I’ll go more into this later, but I think by just accepting where I am, both in life and geographically-speaking, would be much to my benefit. And I suspect this might be a good philosophy for me to follow through with for the rest of my blinking days. More than materialism, or finding the right woman, or getting the perfect job, a lot of stress would probably be alleviated if people just take things one thing at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. For me that means, I have a library going, but since the people here work at their own pace, I need not necessarily be concerned and have an ulcer over my project right now.
That’s the good thing is coming out of this irritation and out of this service in general: just simple acceptance. I’m with a group that’s taking all the time I had planned for an English class or clean my room or whatever. So what? I get boiled potatoes for breakfast, a similar meal for lunch, and something else bland for dinner. Why fight it? I’m just getting too tired to fight it any longer.
I’m also losing interest in trying to get much done here, frankly. If I only give kids the chance to draw and do jigsaw puzzles, I’ll count that as a success. I don’t always enjoy it frankly, and it’s teaching me that I don’t think I want to be a parent, but it’s helping them be kids and use their brains and play with others. The people in this town have a good work ethic, but it doesn’t extend beyond their immediate survival. Of course that’s very important, but when trying to do a big project, such as a library, it’s hard to impress upon the town why they must all contribute to supplies so we can put in the cement floor. And so, things take forever. Add that to the vagueness of how long things will take, or when they will start, or other such predictions, and it just drains a person. I can feel myself losing motivation in my work, and even when I look at my French studies or painting, it is hard to get the motivation back up. This isn’t all the town’s fault of course, but the attitude of getting nothing done in a timely manner is rubbing off on me.
I’ve figured I can take only about a week or so of time in site before I decide I need to get out again. I usually try to go about two weeks (rounding up) before I head back out to my capital city to get good food and a hot shower and a use the internet to call home and read my email.
So now, riding out this frustration, I just want to give up my resistance and say, “Hell, here I am, and something might get done, and something might not. I’m just gonna chill try to enjoy life today.” That’s not an easy philosophy, but it is an important one. Do I believe it? Maybe not completely. I want to, but it’s so radically different from how I’ve been raised in my environment. But I guess this is where I get to take responsibility for my life, even if I never really have control over it.
Most of what the Peace Corps offers I’m not sure I care about. At least not in terms of work. I enjoy more spending time just talking with the people, even though after a while I do need deep, witty, more educated conversation.
Before, I saw myself as a linguist, an anthropologist, an Indiana Jones figure, but those self-images have kind of been shaken as I realize how hard it has been to adapt to a much more basic style of living. This journey has made me look at myself in such a way that I feel I have a lot of metaphorical fleas or tumors and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I can’t pin down the problems, because there are simply too many flaws. I think the best method maybe to just acknowledge there are flaws, and then turn my attention away from them. They will continue to be there perhaps, but I don’t have to watch over them like a prison guard. Maybe our flaws are like the class clown: they intensify only when they have an audience.
I don’t want to go home, to ET to use the Peace Corps lingo. For one thing, I’m too damn proud. But for another, I always try to believe that I don’t have the bigger picture, and that things will get better. Also I have learned a lot. Mostly about myself, but since I will be living with myself for quite a while hopefully, that’s important. I just kinda want to be myself, though. Not be the flawed, impatient, insecure person I feel like a lot. Especially here.
There’s something I’ve learned. Improvement and love comes from within. You don’t always have to travel the world or try to leap tall buildings to find it. I heard that a lot of incoming volunteers want to be up here in the North rather than in the deserts of Lima-Ica. I did, too. The deserts weren’t how I pictured Latin America. But now that I’ve spent a year here, I believe that location is not the most critical factor. Everything that a person needs comes from within. Sometimes everything else in the world just happens to jive with you. I’m not saying people necessarily ought to settle, or that everything is equally easy or equally hard. But in the meantime, enjoy life wherever you are. I’ll be trying to take my own advice right along with anyone else who has been asking these same kinds of questions.
Tristan
Dear Readers,
I’ve been trying to write something to this effect for a while, but have had a hard time forming it. However, while writing an email, a lot of thoughts came to me, and I’d like to share them.
For starters, right now I’m rather irritated, to be honest. Peace Corps isn’t a vacation, and I never thought it would be. In fact, despite talking to recruiters, reading about it, going to the website, I never really had a good idea what Peace Corps ultimately did. And actually, in some ways I like of still don’t. Peace Corps seems to be life condensed: there are just so many ways to interpret it. And you can have so many plans that seem to give meaning to it, only to have something fuck it to bits. So where is the meaning? Did you just get screwed out of it? Or do we place assign meaning too often to the wrong things? Don’t read the rest of this expecting answers. But I do think that we are putting life in a box too often when that’s kind of like trying to put sunshine in a box. It fills the box, but it also fills everything else outside of the box. The minute we put it in a box and seal it, it might not become the opposite of life the way darkness becomes the opposite of light, but it still isn’t the real thing. It’s just a misapplied label, this boxed definition. Quite honestly, I don’t really any longer expect all that much to get done in my town. I’ll go more into this later, but I think by just accepting where I am, both in life and geographically-speaking, would be much to my benefit. And I suspect this might be a good philosophy for me to follow through with for the rest of my blinking days. More than materialism, or finding the right woman, or getting the perfect job, a lot of stress would probably be alleviated if people just take things one thing at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. For me that means, I have a library going, but since the people here work at their own pace, I need not necessarily be concerned and have an ulcer over my project right now.
That’s the good thing is coming out of this irritation and out of this service in general: just simple acceptance. I’m with a group that’s taking all the time I had planned for an English class or clean my room or whatever. So what? I get boiled potatoes for breakfast, a similar meal for lunch, and something else bland for dinner. Why fight it? I’m just getting too tired to fight it any longer.
I’m also losing interest in trying to get much done here, frankly. If I only give kids the chance to draw and do jigsaw puzzles, I’ll count that as a success. I don’t always enjoy it frankly, and it’s teaching me that I don’t think I want to be a parent, but it’s helping them be kids and use their brains and play with others. The people in this town have a good work ethic, but it doesn’t extend beyond their immediate survival. Of course that’s very important, but when trying to do a big project, such as a library, it’s hard to impress upon the town why they must all contribute to supplies so we can put in the cement floor. And so, things take forever. Add that to the vagueness of how long things will take, or when they will start, or other such predictions, and it just drains a person. I can feel myself losing motivation in my work, and even when I look at my French studies or painting, it is hard to get the motivation back up. This isn’t all the town’s fault of course, but the attitude of getting nothing done in a timely manner is rubbing off on me.
I’ve figured I can take only about a week or so of time in site before I decide I need to get out again. I usually try to go about two weeks (rounding up) before I head back out to my capital city to get good food and a hot shower and a use the internet to call home and read my email.
So now, riding out this frustration, I just want to give up my resistance and say, “Hell, here I am, and something might get done, and something might not. I’m just gonna chill try to enjoy life today.” That’s not an easy philosophy, but it is an important one. Do I believe it? Maybe not completely. I want to, but it’s so radically different from how I’ve been raised in my environment. But I guess this is where I get to take responsibility for my life, even if I never really have control over it.
Most of what the Peace Corps offers I’m not sure I care about. At least not in terms of work. I enjoy more spending time just talking with the people, even though after a while I do need deep, witty, more educated conversation.
Before, I saw myself as a linguist, an anthropologist, an Indiana Jones figure, but those self-images have kind of been shaken as I realize how hard it has been to adapt to a much more basic style of living. This journey has made me look at myself in such a way that I feel I have a lot of metaphorical fleas or tumors and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I can’t pin down the problems, because there are simply too many flaws. I think the best method maybe to just acknowledge there are flaws, and then turn my attention away from them. They will continue to be there perhaps, but I don’t have to watch over them like a prison guard. Maybe our flaws are like the class clown: they intensify only when they have an audience.
I don’t want to go home, to ET to use the Peace Corps lingo. For one thing, I’m too damn proud. But for another, I always try to believe that I don’t have the bigger picture, and that things will get better. Also I have learned a lot. Mostly about myself, but since I will be living with myself for quite a while hopefully, that’s important. I just kinda want to be myself, though. Not be the flawed, impatient, insecure person I feel like a lot. Especially here.
There’s something I’ve learned. Improvement and love comes from within. You don’t always have to travel the world or try to leap tall buildings to find it. I heard that a lot of incoming volunteers want to be up here in the North rather than in the deserts of Lima-Ica. I did, too. The deserts weren’t how I pictured Latin America. But now that I’ve spent a year here, I believe that location is not the most critical factor. Everything that a person needs comes from within. Sometimes everything else in the world just happens to jive with you. I’m not saying people necessarily ought to settle, or that everything is equally easy or equally hard. But in the meantime, enjoy life wherever you are. I’ll be trying to take my own advice right along with anyone else who has been asking these same kinds of questions.
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 6:18 AM
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