It Is a Part of You Now
Dear Constant Readers,
First off, a wish of Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Years, belated well-wishing though they are. I don't get much chance to write, you see? I spent three weeks at my site, and while I was glad to spend that amount of time, I needed to come down to Piura for a change of cuisine, check my email, and take a hot shower for a change. It will hopefully be a bi-weekly deal.
Life will never be unraveled by me, that's sure as hell. I was never very good at riddles, anyway. It's a living art. That's been a main theme of this blog for those of you who haven't read some of the other entries. I started just as a way to keep people updated while I stomped around in my leather shoes in Germany a couple of years ago and found out I liked writing it. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with my fiction writing I think that talking about my thoughts is the only kind of writing I'm decent at. But I read an interesting quote from Faulkner today and while I didn't memorize it, he said that all writing should come from the heart, otherwise the published words are representing false ideals.
In my blog I write from the heart. I don't spill out everything, of course. Somethings the wide world doesn't need to see, but I try to be honest and open, even when I am disturbed at what I have sometimes disclosed.
I don't have much to say about the last three weeks, as a matter of fact. Christmas and New Years were fairly minor deals in my site, Christmas in fact passed as quietly as a whisper in the wind. The only difference was that people didn't work. New Years was celebrated by burning a doll made of old clothing and socializing. It was a nice party, even though I vehemently refused to dance (it's almost a life rule for me). Dancing makes me feel like I'm walking around with my ding-dong hanging out for all to see, and I'd rather not put myself through that roller-coaster. But I still wanted to be social, all the same. We'll see how that goes, but in the past....oh...six years of life my comfort with dancing has improved little, and I see no major changes on the Andean horizon.
I did spend time analyzing feelings. As I've said before, the most I've gotten out of this trip was to learn about myself. At some level I think that is why I joined. I didn't think I'd change the world and I think that will be useful to keep in mind down the road. But I never intended to anyway. I'm curious about the world to see how it works, to kind of play things out, to observe and go with the flow. Last week I made an observation by holding a baby chicken to my ear to see if I could hear its heart beat or lungs draw breath.
I wasn't always like that. I used to plan things out more. I wanted more control, but that has consistently never really worked out. I don't mind so much anymore. Takes a hell of a lot out of my hands to worry about. Adjusting to the simple life has been and perhaps will continue to be a challenge. Amy, a friend of mine and another volunteer said that it takes unlearning to adapt here, she is correct. Their life isn't better here, but the lack of complications from much of what I was used to in college is enjoyable, if that enjoyment can be reached. It takes work to know that life doesn't need to be filled, but that it feels itself because nature abhors a vacuum. You just have to know how to work with what you are given. I fill much of my life with reading now, and soon it will be filled, partially, with doing surveys to discover the strengths and weaknesses of my adoptive/adopted community, but whatever this work leads to I cannot say. They are just little plot points on a vast empty stretch of paper upon which life is written.
A friend of mine told me not to fight. Not to fight with myself and not to struggle. The harder you struggle, the deeper entangled you become, they say. Somethings must be fought: bad habits or addictions for example, but even so I think when it comes to anxiety, to pain, to uncertainty, and feelings related to these maybe it's better just to let it takes its natural course in life, after all. I don't know why you get more entangled, why so often people don't break free but get bogged down in uncertainty. Maybe there is another law to nature there too.
Hope all is well.
Tristan
First off, a wish of Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Years, belated well-wishing though they are. I don't get much chance to write, you see? I spent three weeks at my site, and while I was glad to spend that amount of time, I needed to come down to Piura for a change of cuisine, check my email, and take a hot shower for a change. It will hopefully be a bi-weekly deal.
Life will never be unraveled by me, that's sure as hell. I was never very good at riddles, anyway. It's a living art. That's been a main theme of this blog for those of you who haven't read some of the other entries. I started just as a way to keep people updated while I stomped around in my leather shoes in Germany a couple of years ago and found out I liked writing it. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with my fiction writing I think that talking about my thoughts is the only kind of writing I'm decent at. But I read an interesting quote from Faulkner today and while I didn't memorize it, he said that all writing should come from the heart, otherwise the published words are representing false ideals.
In my blog I write from the heart. I don't spill out everything, of course. Somethings the wide world doesn't need to see, but I try to be honest and open, even when I am disturbed at what I have sometimes disclosed.
I don't have much to say about the last three weeks, as a matter of fact. Christmas and New Years were fairly minor deals in my site, Christmas in fact passed as quietly as a whisper in the wind. The only difference was that people didn't work. New Years was celebrated by burning a doll made of old clothing and socializing. It was a nice party, even though I vehemently refused to dance (it's almost a life rule for me). Dancing makes me feel like I'm walking around with my ding-dong hanging out for all to see, and I'd rather not put myself through that roller-coaster. But I still wanted to be social, all the same. We'll see how that goes, but in the past....oh...six years of life my comfort with dancing has improved little, and I see no major changes on the Andean horizon.
I did spend time analyzing feelings. As I've said before, the most I've gotten out of this trip was to learn about myself. At some level I think that is why I joined. I didn't think I'd change the world and I think that will be useful to keep in mind down the road. But I never intended to anyway. I'm curious about the world to see how it works, to kind of play things out, to observe and go with the flow. Last week I made an observation by holding a baby chicken to my ear to see if I could hear its heart beat or lungs draw breath.
I wasn't always like that. I used to plan things out more. I wanted more control, but that has consistently never really worked out. I don't mind so much anymore. Takes a hell of a lot out of my hands to worry about. Adjusting to the simple life has been and perhaps will continue to be a challenge. Amy, a friend of mine and another volunteer said that it takes unlearning to adapt here, she is correct. Their life isn't better here, but the lack of complications from much of what I was used to in college is enjoyable, if that enjoyment can be reached. It takes work to know that life doesn't need to be filled, but that it feels itself because nature abhors a vacuum. You just have to know how to work with what you are given. I fill much of my life with reading now, and soon it will be filled, partially, with doing surveys to discover the strengths and weaknesses of my adoptive/adopted community, but whatever this work leads to I cannot say. They are just little plot points on a vast empty stretch of paper upon which life is written.
A friend of mine told me not to fight. Not to fight with myself and not to struggle. The harder you struggle, the deeper entangled you become, they say. Somethings must be fought: bad habits or addictions for example, but even so I think when it comes to anxiety, to pain, to uncertainty, and feelings related to these maybe it's better just to let it takes its natural course in life, after all. I don't know why you get more entangled, why so often people don't break free but get bogged down in uncertainty. Maybe there is another law to nature there too.
Hope all is well.
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 9:13 PM
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