To My Fellow Introverts

Dear Constant Readers,

I may have written on this topic before, but it merits mentioning again, even if I already did talk about it earlier in my blog.

Much of my life has been confused, and in this I'm sure I am not terribly unique. Everyone has their own puzzles to solve. One of my big ones was my social attitude. For my whole life I enjoyed spending time alone. I enjoyed being with friends, but my imagination, the source of my energy, was most fueled when I was solitary. Any yet, I somehow always felt guilty. I felt left out, and wondered why I never seemed to "get it" and often felt insecure. There were a lot of reasons for this, but one of the biggest was because I had yet to really come to grips with just what kind of person I am. I would notice how I act around people and felt like there was something broken in me, and yet it wasn't the case. There was nothing broken in me, and I was never socially crippled (aside from the awkwardness that haunts us all from time to time). I was, and always will be, an introvert.

People like me don't seem to have much instructions for life. You don't see very many movies about happiness signifying happiness, unless its in an art house film. Instead, you have the emotionally confused person eventually finding his or her way into the party scene and everything is happily ever more. When I came to college, I reflected on how popular culture shows college as parties with friends for fun. And it can be fun, but it wasn't for me. And yet I felt confused and empty.

I was empty because I wasn't being myself. I've tried to be that social person. I can't do it any more than I can pretend I'm an ostrich. It just isn't me. Today I was at the Boulder to Boulder race, in Boulder, a sleepy little village in Colorado, and I watched thousands of runners race by on their 10K jaunt. A few adventurous souls ran by wearing costumes ranging from dressing in drag, to Batman or Spider-Man, all the way to a full body gorilla suit, complete with mask, all of which I'm sure was peeled off that poor bastard when the race was over. And the thought jumped across my mind, Maybe I should wear a costume if I run this race. After all, I had briefly considered wearing an Indiana Jones costume to see the new movie (which was a very fun movie, by the way), but then I realized that isn't me. That's not my way of being me and attracting attention, if I want attention. I realized I didn't admire that person for wearing a costume, thus giving me the idea to; I admired him/her to be myself, just the way they were being their own quirky self.

See, those parties in those movies and so forth...They don't symbolize happiness because they are parties; the symbolize happiness because they represent human relationships, and for those, you need people. Introverts like myself need friends just like anyone else. But we need more time alone, probably more than others normally would, because simply that's how we are built.

It leaves me feeling confused and stressed. I like to be included in things. I am flattered and touched when my friends invite me to do something. But for the longest time I didn't know how to say no, if I just needed time alone. Last week I was offered the chance to go bowling, and I said yes, knowing I'd regret it. However, the way things worked out (the bowling alley was booked up) I asked my friends if I could be dropped off at the apartment, where I could spend some time with myself doing Tristan things (in this case, studying French for a couple of hours). I needed the break. My job in the library is rather quiet, but I needed time to do what I wanted to do. And afterwards, I was fine. I joined my friends at the bowling alley a couple of hours later and had a great time.

When I look at my friends who are able to get up and, for instance, dance around in front of us, I sometimes have a feeling of being a party pooper for not joining them (and sometimes I join and have fun), but I'm not the kind that gets up and dances around, or whatever. I still like spending time with them, I'd in fact not be very happy at all if I missed that, but I need to fill up my reserves. If not, I tend to get irritable and gloomy, and the weather, often quite cool and drizzly, which depresses me while at the same time delights everyone else, doesn't make matters simpler.

I miss swinging in parks. I spent so much time there as a little kid. Running is my meditation now, my time to be alone. That's one outlet I get.

So, to fellow introverts, it's OK, there's not a thing wrong with you. To my friends, thank you for accepting me for who I am. I don't mean to come off as a pessimist or anything when I'm around people a lot. Thank you for your patience.

While I'm on the subject of friends, I wonder sometimes at how relationships go. I know the distance hasn't been so friendly to those when they live far away. It is the way of things. Sometimes I wonder if they think of me as much as I think about them though. I miss you guys. Especially you fellow Americans, Dylon and Iona. You two are golden, and I hope we stay in touch. I love you guys.

I guess that's good for now. I successfully graduated, managing to get a B- on my thesis, which, considering I only had a semester to work on it and it usually requires at least a year, isn't bad at all.

And I went sky diving. Now that was butt-kicking.

Hope all is well.

Tristan