Life After Peace Corps
When I arrive home from traveling abroad I notice that my life often seems disoriented and confused. Even though coming home from Peace Corps was my third foray into the foreign unknown, the confusion and angst show that this homecoming has been no exception.
I've come to know myself better than in these past two years and change (the cliché is that doing a stint in Peace Corps is like getting a PhD. in Yourself) but now I'm not so sure because if one knows one's self well, they should be less confused. Maybe what I'm dealing with is not confusion, but simply angst. As I said, I went out to Seattle to see another part of the world - this time a home-grown place, but new to me. While out there though I realized I would like to continue working abroad, so I came home to save money and continue looking. And then late last week I received a reply from a position for Americans in Germany, letting me know I had not been selected.
So now I am looking towards NGOs and similar positions. But it can be hard to remain optimistic. I know that I don't have many options and so if I find something I qualify for, I need to apply for it, just so I can finally start to become more financially independent. But I worry about getting lost in the grind, trading my dreams for the promises that many people make, mainly financial ones, but then burning out. I know life doesn't have to be like that, but I see it a lot in this country. It is a culture of progress and frankly, of materialism. By it self there is nothing wrong with owning things, but if one becomes aware of all the advertising that abounds, then it is easy to see how we are constantly told our lives aren't good enough because we don't have such and such. I think it's easy to get seduced or confused by all this, and then get lost, and I know very few people who don't seem lost somehow. And what I fear is compromising myself or beliefs for an easier path of just settling for any job. Hence the pressure to once again jump into the unknown.
What does this mean? To blindly head off towards Germany? I have friends over there but no real job prospects, which would put me in a similar situation as I was in Seattle, but the stakes would be higher because there is the added cost of travel and visa's, etc. Maybe I am being a coward in not going. And I ask myself, am I being responsible for looking for work here stateside to build up a financial base, or am I just putting off taking a risk, playing it safe and stunting my inner growth?
The values of simplicity that I learned in Peace Corps are hard to hold onto and easy to forget. Of course the people there worked hard and I'm not against hard work. They also had no real choice in their lot, where we live in a culture of many freedoms. But the people in the villages I visited seemed overall happier, or at least less negative. They did not live in a Utopia of any sort. But it's striking that there is a collective fear of failure and a more obvious collective negativism that permeates through our culture. I don't know what causes this, but I would suspect that basing happiness on external success is a large part of it. As a person who has struggled with self-confidence issues most of my life, I've given a lot of thought to the issue of growth. I've always been waiting for confidence to grow within me, and until it does, it's as if I cannot be more confident yet because I virtually don't have permission yet. Indeed, we are often told of confidence and pride and esteem that grow with in us, and when I look at people, I usually think "They must feel that growth within them that makes them act so comfortable in a given situation." But I know now that confidence does not grow. Egos can grow, and feelings and passions can grow, but anything that can change is not what one truly is. It is only a falling-away of the need for external validation that can reveal who we are, that constant energy that has always been there. It's similar to sunlight in that it is always there, sometimes behind clouds or on the other side of the world, but always there, felt even in the smallest degree. It doesn't grow because that is not it's nature. Confidence then is a byproduct of this. You don't find it by testing yourself outwardly, you find it by looking inwards. Not intellectually, but with your heart. Outward tests can only show you what you already have within you. It's not something you can earn, like money. It's simply what you have to awaken to.
That's why I think we live see so much negativity and fear. The external word promises validation, but external things change, like the weather, like fads, like feelings. There is a presence that doesn't change that we are part of. It's easily obscured, but always there.
I've come to know myself better than in these past two years and change (the cliché is that doing a stint in Peace Corps is like getting a PhD. in Yourself) but now I'm not so sure because if one knows one's self well, they should be less confused. Maybe what I'm dealing with is not confusion, but simply angst. As I said, I went out to Seattle to see another part of the world - this time a home-grown place, but new to me. While out there though I realized I would like to continue working abroad, so I came home to save money and continue looking. And then late last week I received a reply from a position for Americans in Germany, letting me know I had not been selected.
So now I am looking towards NGOs and similar positions. But it can be hard to remain optimistic. I know that I don't have many options and so if I find something I qualify for, I need to apply for it, just so I can finally start to become more financially independent. But I worry about getting lost in the grind, trading my dreams for the promises that many people make, mainly financial ones, but then burning out. I know life doesn't have to be like that, but I see it a lot in this country. It is a culture of progress and frankly, of materialism. By it self there is nothing wrong with owning things, but if one becomes aware of all the advertising that abounds, then it is easy to see how we are constantly told our lives aren't good enough because we don't have such and such. I think it's easy to get seduced or confused by all this, and then get lost, and I know very few people who don't seem lost somehow. And what I fear is compromising myself or beliefs for an easier path of just settling for any job. Hence the pressure to once again jump into the unknown.
What does this mean? To blindly head off towards Germany? I have friends over there but no real job prospects, which would put me in a similar situation as I was in Seattle, but the stakes would be higher because there is the added cost of travel and visa's, etc. Maybe I am being a coward in not going. And I ask myself, am I being responsible for looking for work here stateside to build up a financial base, or am I just putting off taking a risk, playing it safe and stunting my inner growth?
The values of simplicity that I learned in Peace Corps are hard to hold onto and easy to forget. Of course the people there worked hard and I'm not against hard work. They also had no real choice in their lot, where we live in a culture of many freedoms. But the people in the villages I visited seemed overall happier, or at least less negative. They did not live in a Utopia of any sort. But it's striking that there is a collective fear of failure and a more obvious collective negativism that permeates through our culture. I don't know what causes this, but I would suspect that basing happiness on external success is a large part of it. As a person who has struggled with self-confidence issues most of my life, I've given a lot of thought to the issue of growth. I've always been waiting for confidence to grow within me, and until it does, it's as if I cannot be more confident yet because I virtually don't have permission yet. Indeed, we are often told of confidence and pride and esteem that grow with in us, and when I look at people, I usually think "They must feel that growth within them that makes them act so comfortable in a given situation." But I know now that confidence does not grow. Egos can grow, and feelings and passions can grow, but anything that can change is not what one truly is. It is only a falling-away of the need for external validation that can reveal who we are, that constant energy that has always been there. It's similar to sunlight in that it is always there, sometimes behind clouds or on the other side of the world, but always there, felt even in the smallest degree. It doesn't grow because that is not it's nature. Confidence then is a byproduct of this. You don't find it by testing yourself outwardly, you find it by looking inwards. Not intellectually, but with your heart. Outward tests can only show you what you already have within you. It's not something you can earn, like money. It's simply what you have to awaken to.
That's why I think we live see so much negativity and fear. The external word promises validation, but external things change, like the weather, like fads, like feelings. There is a presence that doesn't change that we are part of. It's easily obscured, but always there.
posted by Tristan | 8:34 PM
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