Dear Constant Readers,
All of us have our thing. All of us have that one challenge or family of challenges that call us to grow. These challenges are similar in that we all share experiences with one another, but the impact our lives uniquely. You know of what I speak.
One of my friends gave up a smoking habit after 7 years. He just kicked it when he joined the Peace Corps and hasn't lit up in over a month yet. He also told me that this trip would be a way to purify himself. For a person who doesn't believe in a soul, I find that to be a very soulful remark.
For myself, I am also going through this process of trying to be more true to myself. Over the past several years of my life, I've had huge dreams, and have had the courage to fulfill some of them, but somehow have always had a confidence problem. I don't know why, but I always seemed to compare myself to others, some who were people I was so different from I would count it as a blessing to just be myself, but because I always instinctively have gone against the flow of the norm, I've also felt periodically lost.
Being or feeling lost is a very normal feeling for all of us, but it is constantly labeled as bad or an incorrect way to spend one's life. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life lost, but I wouldn't want to settle for someone else's life/answers either, or simply settle for just something less. I think this is one reason why I have felt insecure for so long. I didn't have the answers in life I needed, I didn't have a plan, just an outline with planned detours in various somewheres along the way.
I don't think we are supposed to so much find our place in the world as just to find our place in ourselves, because the world is something we cannot ever really control. I for example really want to learn Spanish, and learn it as well as I can. But I feel out of place in the language sometimes because I'm one of the few people in the world who don't really like how it sounds, nor am I at home in the sort of mix of "in your face" and "close-knitted-ness" of Latin America, just to mention how loud it is, not just in sounds, but in body language and colors and styles of music and dance and so forth. When I see other people say it is part of their soul, this culture here (or I would probably be more accurate to say myriad of cultures in Latin America) I know that my home here will grow slowly. But I also know that in my life, I am here for a reason and that I don't have to feel settled here to look back on this fondly. I do want to feel settled here, but I can't force it.
Some people go to someplace they feel drawn to. So did I, but I am not sure why still what that draw was. I'm still looking for that. I had some ideas of what I wanted, but I think there was something deeper than that. Something to really help me grow, and to help me live a full life. The plans I had had were quickly blown to the wind, so to speak, so now I really do have a chance to just try to take life as it comes, with all of its challenges.
Hope all is well,
Tristan
All of us have our thing. All of us have that one challenge or family of challenges that call us to grow. These challenges are similar in that we all share experiences with one another, but the impact our lives uniquely. You know of what I speak.
One of my friends gave up a smoking habit after 7 years. He just kicked it when he joined the Peace Corps and hasn't lit up in over a month yet. He also told me that this trip would be a way to purify himself. For a person who doesn't believe in a soul, I find that to be a very soulful remark.
For myself, I am also going through this process of trying to be more true to myself. Over the past several years of my life, I've had huge dreams, and have had the courage to fulfill some of them, but somehow have always had a confidence problem. I don't know why, but I always seemed to compare myself to others, some who were people I was so different from I would count it as a blessing to just be myself, but because I always instinctively have gone against the flow of the norm, I've also felt periodically lost.
Being or feeling lost is a very normal feeling for all of us, but it is constantly labeled as bad or an incorrect way to spend one's life. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life lost, but I wouldn't want to settle for someone else's life/answers either, or simply settle for just something less. I think this is one reason why I have felt insecure for so long. I didn't have the answers in life I needed, I didn't have a plan, just an outline with planned detours in various somewheres along the way.
I don't think we are supposed to so much find our place in the world as just to find our place in ourselves, because the world is something we cannot ever really control. I for example really want to learn Spanish, and learn it as well as I can. But I feel out of place in the language sometimes because I'm one of the few people in the world who don't really like how it sounds, nor am I at home in the sort of mix of "in your face" and "close-knitted-ness" of Latin America, just to mention how loud it is, not just in sounds, but in body language and colors and styles of music and dance and so forth. When I see other people say it is part of their soul, this culture here (or I would probably be more accurate to say myriad of cultures in Latin America) I know that my home here will grow slowly. But I also know that in my life, I am here for a reason and that I don't have to feel settled here to look back on this fondly. I do want to feel settled here, but I can't force it.
Some people go to someplace they feel drawn to. So did I, but I am not sure why still what that draw was. I'm still looking for that. I had some ideas of what I wanted, but I think there was something deeper than that. Something to really help me grow, and to help me live a full life. The plans I had had were quickly blown to the wind, so to speak, so now I really do have a chance to just try to take life as it comes, with all of its challenges.
Hope all is well,
Tristan
posted by Tristan | 4:13 PM
2 Comments:
"I don't think we are supposed to so much find our place in the world as just to find our place in ourselves..."
Well done.
This is a very deep blog.
I hope on your way through all of this thinking you will find a strawberry, and eat it.
Don't forget to enjoy the little things, no matter what they are.
Good blog Tristan. Well done.
I can see you pulling some of these thought and putting them into your book.
Wow...Ben used the same quote I was going to! Some other remarks:
I think everyone compares themselves to others...maybe it is human nature to do so. It seems that this is why you have a confidence problem: because you keep looking at others rather than appreciating the gifts that you have. I have begun to realize this for myself, and as I stop comparing myself to others and just "focus" on myself, everything goes better and I become more positive.
As for feeling lost...for a while I felt like I was floundering around and heading in no direction, but I was totally wrong. Even if we don't have a concrete plan, think of all the things we experience in the meantime. I mean, I considered transferring to a different school after my sophomore year (even though I wasn't sure if it wasn't a good choice), but I am so glad I didn't. I got to take writing classes for the first time, and found out how much I love to write. I even got accepted into grad school for writing. I would never have known that I could write, but while I "floundered around" during those years at Wesleyan, I soon found out. I also discovered that I have determination and discipline for things such as music, running, and even xBox; you have to do something a lot in order to get good at it :) And I developed friendships that were the most meaningful to me so far in my life. You, Ben, Matt, Lisa...even though I thought I was wasting my years away, I gained something that was more important than college...
So that is all for now...just wanted to let you know that I have started reading your blog again...keep it up...it is a good way to get your thoughts straight...
Also, I am going to start writing part of the graphic novel tonight. I will send it to you for suggestions. Hooray!
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